• It was as if I was staring down the barrel of a gun. I couldn’t look away, why would anyone look away from the gun in their face, even to look at the person holding it? It caught my eyes, and now I couldn’t avert my eyes. It was as if everything had melted behind the sleeping figure in my eyes and I. Warmth radiated off of him, in fact I could’ve sworn his body temperature was higher than usual. That barely caught my attention as my eyes suffered their infatuation with how his chest bobbed up and down, he was breathing so steadily, sleeping so soundly. It was taking my breath away. His face never looked more tempting to touch, a feeling I found disgusting within myself. We were both the same, it was unnatural, I felt disgusted I would think of him like this. Yet peering at him like a love-struck fourteen year old girl felt so right.

    I could hear him breathing; it was so soft, like a sleeping child. The last time I had ever seen a sleeping child, it must’ve been forever. Back when I was one myself, my baby brother slept soundly once before. But he wasn’t as endearing, as maybe even adorable as this. My hand quivered as did my lip; I stared at him, just wanting to touch him. Needing to touch him for an impossible reason. Finally I’d lost it; my hand strived to just lightly touch his bare chest, right in the middle. I almost jumped in fear when he shivered underneath my touch. He’d let out a soft sigh and did not stir after that, his breathing returned and I was finally able to pay attention to the touch. I could feel his heartbeat, and it was nearly beating out of his chest! It pounded hard but beautifully, almost melodically against my hand. I felt myself melting over him; I didn’t understand this horrible, disgusting, arousing feeling.

    “Mm.” the sound was rather audible, escaping his beautiful closed lips, and just like that they parted and let out an “Aaah.” Gorgeous sounds were eluding him, they sent shivers down my spine, and I found myself wanting more. I wanted to hear him sigh like that again! I craved it. “J…oh Jin!” I heard him mumble under his sleepy breath. His heart rate seemed to suddenly increase. Why was he saying my name? Was he dreaming about me now? I couldn’t comprehend what he could’ve possibly been dreaming of. My lids lowered over my eyes slightly when something caught my eye. That slight bump in his long pajama pants, right there. It was very subtle. I couldn’t look away; I blushed a deep heated shade of red, feeling disgusting yet again. “Jin!” His eyes darted open and he sat up his legs suddenly closing tightly. He stared at me strangely his breathing heavy.

    “You appear to have a fever Walter.” I excused myself, reluctantly taking my hand off of his chest. “So I do…so what are you doing here?” Walter nodded. “It’s time to get up, don’t want to be late for class eh?” I explained myself. That didn’t much explain why I had climbed onto the foot of his bed and put my hand on his chest, listening to his subtle sighs and mumbles, without bothering to wake him up. He didn’t question my motives though. “Right then, I’ll just get dressed.” He shooed me off, like I was some sort of fly. Somehow I had a suspicion about his actions this morning. I would just be a hypocrite though; I was the one acting suspicious. I remembered the look on Walter’s face, just after shrieking my name like that and springing up from the sheets. He was blushing, he seemed embarrassed and stressed. My heart skipped a beat for an impossible reason to reach, remembering him like that made me feel strange.

    I was entering the kitchen; I was already dressed in my blue jeans and white T-shirt and black leather jacket. I usually just waited for Walter to get dressed and walk with me to school. We had been living together in the same apartment for awhile now, probably since the beginning of college. It felt better than having a dorm, there was more “freedom” behind it. Couldn't sneak women into a dorm without getting ratted on by Gunther back on campus.

    Women were far, far in the back of my mind at this moment though. My mind couldn't help but linger there...where I was just a moment ago, listening to him. I could hear a click as his door opened again. He was dressed in jeans and a button up shirt and a light blue jacket. He picked up his bag and threw it over a shoulder and tied his long brown hair that twisted in curls past his shoulders, behind him. He rubbed his eyes again before staring at me and raising his eyebrows.

    "Are you feeling okay?" he asked me. "Didn't catch whatever I've got?" he asked. I'd snapped out of my daze, (I'd been lost in his eyes and the twisting chocolate curls tucked behind him), and noticed that I'd probably looked awfully red. "Yeah I'll be fine...just not looking forwad to school." I groaned in response standing up and opening the door. "You aren't hung over again are you?" Walter tilted his head to the side, giving me that questioning look of his.

    ------

    Class was awfully short...too short for me any ways. I was staring at him. He had his eraser inbetween his lips, tapping his foot on the floor. He seemed to be listening very intent to the Psych lesson being taught. It had all melted away in the background to me.

    I had English I believe. Reading a passage from this crappy novel we were being forced to read I suppose. I barely remember it. My mind was trying to sort itself out. I was just registering the fact that...I was actually enjoying the curve of Walter's face. His smile and the spark in his eye when he got the chance to talk to people at school, when he got the chance to speak at all. I felt wrong. I tried to shrug it off, I tried to argue with myself about it.

    I tried to wage world war three on this emotion taking over me when ever Walter walked backwards into a room. I didn't want to fight it though. Somehow I wanted to hold onto it, harbor it, enjoy it while it was here with me. I didn't sense it leaving or fading soon. I just felt the need to savor the feeling. I hadn't felt this way about anyone in the longest time, or at all really.

    ------

    "White roses." Walter suddenly broke the silence I was sure was my fault on the way home. The sun glowed orange eluminating the sky with warm colors, brightening the clouds in the sky with a purple and hot pink tint. The sun was due to set soon. It was October after all, the days were much shorter. Leaves of several colors danced on the wind, I felt as if I were in a painting, it was Walter's voice then that called me back from the feeling of absolute stillness.

    "What?" I asked him, I didn't quite follow the random remark. "In Psych class, they were describing funerals, how because everyone wears black everyone gets even more upset. It's so grim...and it came to me...there's something else I always see at funerals." Walter continued.

    "White roses?" I asked. That was surely something I'd never seen at a funeral before. The breeze suddenly blew, sharp pain from the cold hit the tip of my nose. I furrowed my brows and tried to ignore it. Crunching noises...I was stepping on so many leaves, the stillness of the painting was most certainly disturbed..and it was dreadfully awkward.

    "No. Carnations. Jin if I ever die before you...promise me you won't let any carnations get near my funeral, my coffin, or my grave for that matter?" Walter asked. The thought sent a shock down my spine. Was Walter assuming he'd die before me?

    "Uh...and what do white roses have to do with this?" I asked with curiousity.

    "Oh...I would perfer white roses, they remain elegant and funerally...only lacking the horrid smell of carnations." Jin pointed out.

    "Oh...that's an interesting thought...I'd never thought of it that way. I really don't care for flowers so much to object to carnations, myself." I said, there I went and made it awkward again.

    -----

    "You're going to bed already?" Walter asked me as I opened the door to my room. "Yeah...I'm beat. 'Night Walter." I said just before closing the door after me. "Yeah okay, good night Jin." he said.

    I took off my jacket and placed it on a lamp in the corner of my room. Then I peeled off my shoes socks and jeans, they were thrown in the hamper carelessly. I then peeled off my shirt and threw that in as well, missing and hitting the carpet, I let it sit there. I pulled on some pajama pants and threw myself onto my bed. I stared at the dragon on a poster across from me on the wall. It stared at me with it's fierce yellow eyes. It was coiled, spiralling. If Walter ever died... I thought.

    That night I had a dream...nay a nightmare.

    I was awake, and in a black tuxedo. I didn't understand why, I rarely dressed up. My black hair was newly cut and very sleek. I felt strange...everyone around me in that parlor was upset.

    The carpet was an emerald green and there were paintings of flowers, and other still-lifes of that sort around the parlor and large vases full of white roses all over the place. My face I could see in a mirror on one of the walls took an expression of horror.

    there was a dark back coffin in a corner of the room, surrounded by white roses and two crying women stood beside it, before slowly walking away holding one another, as if they needed each other to walk. I didn't believe I'd be able to stand it, I didn't want to do it, but I had to know.

    I stepped up to the coffin, my eyes were closed and I opened them in horror, oh so reluctantly. There I stared at the lifeless corpse of Walter Whiting. His lids shut calmly, he was peaceful in a black tux like mine. His hair was cut...how could they do this to him? How could they cut the long brown mane he took so much pride in during his time alive?

    He wasn't asleep, he wasn't warm, his heart was not pounding in his chest...he was hollow. He was not murmuring or gasping. He was not alive...he was barely even Walter anymore.

    I awoke in terror...the clock read 3:00 in the morning. I gave up hope of being able to go to sleep agian.

    -------

    He woke up around 8:00 in the morning. He saw me in the kitchen.

    "What's wrong Jin...you look awful distraught." he said examining me as he walked up to me. He put his right hand on my forehead. I shook my head and he took his hand away. "You're cold." he said to me giving a disaprooving look.

    "I'm fine." I said scooping some of my cereal onto my spoon.

    "So I've been thinking, about the afterlife lately. I mean the Psych text book has been really sucking me in...I think I might be growing paranoid myself you know? I mean anything can happen that'll just end me!" Walter began taking the cereal box and pouring some into a bowl he'd retreived from the cabinent.

    "Walter can you please stop talking about you dying?!" I finally screamed. "But..." Walter began. "I don't wanna think about it!" I finally snapped.

    "Jin...what's wrong?" He asked again.

    "I can't see you dying before me! I don't want something like that to happen...I don't want to even think about it. I can't bear it." I half-assedly explained. "But anything's possible, I just want to be prepared." I'd realized this was his current phaze...the fear of death phaze.

    "Just stop! Walter do you understand how much that hurts...to think of having to see you...dead?" I asked him. He suddenly took on a grim expression. "I'm just...I'm sorry Jin..why does it bug you so much?" he asked.

    "I don't know...I had a dream last night. They cut your hair. You were dead. cold and dead and I was never gonna be able to see you again." I sighed finally giving in, I dropped the spoon a loud clink sounded as it hit the bowl.

    "Lately all I've done was dream of you...since...I heard you..." I murmured.

    "Heard me?" Walter asked in a clueless tone, his face took on a suspicous blush though.

    "Yeah, I heard you crying my name, murmuring...It was interesting." I said. "when I last went to wake you up." I explained.

    He suddenly tensed. "I was hoping you wouldn't...now I'm embarassed...look it's not what you think Jin..." Walter began.

    "Then what do you think I think?" I asked him.

    "I thought maybe you thought I was dreaming of you romantically...." he reluctantly explained.

    "Oh...so it's cleared up that you were convulsing and making those sounds and screaming my name...because...?" I began my question.

    "Okay you make it sound so incriminating...c'mon then. Isn't it just natural?" He asked.

    "What's natural?"

    "To dream about friends...like that?"

    "So you lied to me?"

    "I'm so embarassed!"

    "Walter.." I began "It's okay. I'm actually happy...flattered I guess. I think that's what I was hoping to hear."

    "What do you mean?" he asked me now taking on both a confused and kind of offended expression.

    "Well...I kinda couldn't get you out of my head, the way you'd said my name, the noises, just you." I began. Oh god I sounded so disgusting...but Walter didn't seem to think so.

    He stood up, he was slightly taller than me when I was sitting down at the table. He placed his arms around me, holding my head to his bare chest. I could hear his heart beating loudly and rhytmically. "I don't want to die...because of you." he said, his hands were shaking.

    "If you do then..." I finally sighed giving up.

    "White roses, I won't accept any less luv."