Sophomore year. My plan was to be a good person with true mature ethics. My mind, instead of being the tortured playground it is now, was the peaceful playground with thoughts taught by the Law of Attraction. I understood more goodness than I did now. This was one day I turned cynical, and became cynical and more realistic for the rest of my life.
This may seem silly to you. You can mock me and make fun of me for it, but this really hurt me.
I have high-functional autism and ADHD. It's hard to believe for most people, because no one can even tell. I looked like a normal young lady who wears make-up and outfits that would've suited the Goth Culture of the eighties. People would say that I'm nice, but I just wear too much eyeliner. I laughed at that, back then and even now. Though, this day never made me laugh.
I was in Drama Club at school, because I didn't have the class and I wanted to be part of the Drama family. I wanted to be an actress, and still do, and I hoped that the club gave me some influence but it never did. There are better options around me, but I didn't realize it then. The club members were all hanging out in the drama room. This girl I knew (whom I will not name, since she disgusts me to this day) and I were sitting on top of a table, our legs hanging down and our feet pointed towards the floor. Our mouths were opening as we sang a variety of Disney songs. Everyone stared, but we didn't care. We were in a trance as we sang, not paying attention to anyone else.
Then we stopped, our conversation began. This was mainly the worst part of the day. This was before Finals, and at the time, we were wanting to have a study group. That was the conversation was about.
"I don't want to invite Cecila to our study group," she said.
Cecila was a girl I knew. She was a kind girl who was nearly two years older than the two of us, and she was a junior at the time. I still talk to her on the phone every weekend. She also had a form of autism, and a speech impairment.
I raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"Why? She's our friend," I asked something of those lines. All I remember was being a bit puzzled.
"I think she's annoying," she said to me.
I remember my chest hurting from the statement. I felt a bit angry, but I controlled it (or at least I tried. Even today I have trouble controlling my anger when it came to her). I tried to explain to her in the most mature way I could.
"You have to understand. She has a disability--"
She cut me off.
"I don't want to understand," she said, either calmly or in a snapping way. I couldn't remember.
I remember trying to leave, and she followed, oblivious to my hurt. I called my mom's fiance (who is now her ex-fiance) to pick me up. He didn't have much work that day, so he was able to pick me up. He did, and I told him everything, and my face drowned in tears as I spoke.
I remember him saying something that I was more mature than she was, but it was still a blur to my mind. I clearly remember him hugging me. I hugged him back. Back then, he was very kind to me. I then told my mom about it, but she thought the opposite. She agreed with that girl, saying that Cecila would be a distraction. I remember being truly angry at my mom, but I never showed it in my face. No one wants to see me angry, especially when it comes to my personal thoughts.
Then further on in my sophomore year. I learned my mother's fiance was cheating on her. He had been cheating on her for months, and none of us knew 'til my mom looked into his cell phone. I remember feeling truly betrayed, and very angry. The man who understood me and comforted me was now an enemy.
It's hard to consider humanity as a friend. It's hard not to consider humanity an enemy.
To this day, this girl still thinks I'm friends with her. I have to pretend everyday to be her friend because she was stupid enough to not read my face or my emotions. She offended with me with other things. We'd argue more often than we did then.
Then again, we're teenagers with very different personalities. It makes me very ashamed to be a teenager now due to this. I felt I was born in the wrong years. Now that we have all this technology, she became obssessed with it and it turned her to someone else. I can't stand her, yet I am a coward.
I am a coward for not telling her how I really felt about her.
About how much I truly hated her.
*Cecila was not her real name. I changed it for her sake and her privacy. I respect her very much, which is why I have done this.
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