------You said, "It might be cathartic to write through, uhm... Ray."
------And to be honest I have been, for a while. Ever since Ani left my mind. Of course I'll still be waiting for her on the other side of life itself. Honestly I've been thinking about our chat at September 13th, about the processes and learning and the passion of learning and what not. Because of that, I've been thinking about on what to actually do with my life. I already told you I'm riding someone's dream; Its not that bad actually and I can see myself there with him. He also loves learning, did you know? So maybe I can move the both of us and maybe we can both do stuff on learning and environmental science and mesh them together. I can see myself do that actually. And maybe that's what I'll talk about in the future if I do get a chance to talk on TED, which is actually something that I can see myself doing.
------Yet, Solara, not sure if you remember her. Told me to pursue my dreams and what I actually want. Ever since I was younger actually, I've always wanted to like tour and have that "rockstar" life. Based on the industry today, that "rockstar" life is dead. In order to succeed in the music industry actually, you'd need to have connections. And I don't mind networking, I do it for business transactions I do when I buy and sell instruments and music related gear. And I think life in general is about networking, about the connections we have with people and what not. So I've been trying to expand my network actually, Its pretty hard. I've been also thinking about music production and how many successful artists these days (that I like, you know metal and its sub-genres.) are producers. They produce their own music and market it through their network. In fact I actually seen some of my friend take the same route hand have local successes. I have big expectations for them in the future actually. And I've been thinking about it, as maybe something to do with my life. I already possess some skills in production actually, albeit amateur wise. I also have a tiny-workstation/studio-setup in my room. So maybe I'd take the production route.
------Of course, there's always the military route just in case I don't find a job and everything else is not working out after I graduate. I'd find myself swimming in the interests of my college loans. I don't mind actually. Maybe I'd get shipped of to some other country, like Korea. I heard they have a lot of bases there. At least I know that if I do die in combat. Ani will be on the other side waiting for me. No regrets here!
------My mother actually asked me what I wanted to do with my life, and for once I think I have found the answers. She and I have actually been doing good in rebuilding ever since she came back from the Philippines. She also asked me if I'm going to stay in the city in the future future. I told her that I don't know because of the unpredictability of the future, but I do want to stay. I probably perhaps will find myself living in "a" city other than NYC as I don't think I'd like suburbia. Maybe perhaps we'll meet somehow in the future... Yeah... The future is a big cloud of "Maybes", and there's so much uncertainty. That its actually pretty hard to figure out what you wanna do. But I feel as if for the first time. I actually know, even though I have three options here. More may open up in the future, I won't know. But for once, It isn't looking as dark as it was compared to how I saw it a year ago.
------Thank you for helping me I guess, open my eyes a little. Though I feel as if I'm using the wrong combinations of words to actually describe this feeling of gratitude mixed with admiration and mixed with among other feelings which are hard to describe... Thank you.
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------Forgive me, the rest of you who have no idea who the ******** I'm talking to, as this entry is actually voiced towards someone specific. She's been on my mind as of lately, like that inspiration that's there. Yet I seldom talk to her, I think its cause I'm a bit shy and afraid. I have so much admiration for her and I don't wanna suffocate her with it you know? I already have done that to someone once. And I know that attraction based on admiration is suffocating. Maybe I'm also a bit afraid to actually to get closer because I don't want her to think less of me, and I don't wanna think less of her. Where she is right now is sorta perfect, despite me sorta yearning that 'I kinda wish that I knew her better'. Even though, I know that love itself is based on imperfections amongst individuals and how much they connect to one another. Maybe I'm afraid that our imperfections won't be a nice fit, as I know that I'm super flawed. Sorry for the big post also, Its been a while since I had one.
But thanks for reading! This is Anikacy, Signing out.
