Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

------I'm tired. For the past few months really. There are certain days where I wake up in the morning and I'm not recharged. I just wanna lie down and go back to sleep. And because of the state of the world right now, I've been doing that more often. Twenty four hours worth of sleep yet, when I wake up I still feel tired. I feel like s**t instead of feeling recharged. I just wasted a day doing nothing, not even reading or creating art or living. Right now, I'm just existing. I'm tired of just existing.

------I grew up suicidal and, I often joke about how I never planned to live this long. To this day, I'm still fighting it; my depression that is. Sometimes it whispers to me to attempt ending myself but I know that there's people that care for me. My cats also help. But, because of my tired state there are times that I just want to not wake up at all. Even now, as I'm writing this I feel lethargic. I want to feel alive again.

------I have this idea that life and living is like a wave. It's kinda poetic actually, whether that's a sound wave or ocean waves. Life is a wave, there are and will be high points and low points in your life, peaks and notches/troughs. It's scary because when you're on your high point you know you'd eventually come down. That all good things have to come to an end. But, I guess you can say that the inverse is true as well. That when you're in your lowest point; things will get better. It's a cute little idea I thought of actually back in high school. The point where your life stops, the wave just becomes a line like it does on a cardiograph.

------I feel like I'm missing something in my life right now. I like to think I'm fine but theres like this huge emptiness inside me. I don't know what's missing. I'm trying to fill it with happiness but I don't know if it's working. I bought a new guitar today cause I sold one, and upon opening it I'm hit with what I call temporary happiness. The emptiness is still there. It's a ravenous feeling. I just want to be happy, but even the things that usually make me happy, doesn't feel the same way anymore. I'm wondering if I'm in a plateau. That my life is in a high point right now but it feels like I'm not going anywhere and I'm confused because it feels like a low point. It's like I'm dead inside.

------I'm not allowed to die. I promised myself that much, but it feels like I'm already dead. Last night I gave myself an ultimatum. If I still feel this hole and this hunger inside before I turn 28, then I might as well do myself in. I'm growing older and I never planned to get this far. Every day I feel like I'm growing more tired, the things that used to make me happy doesn't feel the same.

I think I'll go back to sleep, thanks for reading. This is Anikacy, goodnight.