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------"Fulfillment, thats what you're missing." She said, "After all, happiness is fleeting."

------My sister told me that. She was crying on the phone to me a couple of weeks ago. She's only two years older than me. She's a doctor. I worry about her all the time because of this covid thing. She was crying because her boyfriend and her broke up. They had been together for about 10+ plus years now. They met each other in high school and went to college together in SUNY Stony Brook. He went off to PA to study for his PHD in biomed sciences, while my sister stayed here in NY to go to medschool and became a doctor. So their relationship became a long distance type in the end.

------They broke up because of this uncertain future right now. I guess they couldn't handle the long distance. She told me that this pandemic gave her a sense of fulfillment because she felt that she was making a difference in making and helping people. She told me that she felt like she sacrificed her relationship despite finding fulfillment. I told her what she found is something more important perhaps.

------I lost my sense of fulfillment in this pandemic ironically. I never realized it until I had this conversation with her. I felt that all my choices have been for nothing. I was just beginning to work in the film industry as a freelance sound mixer/boom op in sets, and as a sound designer/composer on post. Before this I worked mostly as a freelance audio engineer/producer for musicians and artists. I had my whole schedule filled up in march of jobs I was gonna do. I watched it all get cancelled. Those gigs were suppose to help me build my reel and portfolio. This feeling of emptiness seeded itself in march.

------I thought I was just unhappy, and that I'd just find happiness by doing things that make me happy. Things like going on here, hanging out with my friends here because I couldn't hang with my offline ones. I bought like 4 guitars this year alone to fill that emptiness with happiness. I even found a relationship ironically in contrast to my sister. It's a long distance one, I'm still inspired by my friend Sarah who managed to make it work. I hope I could make mine work. Despite all of that though, I still feel this emptiness; This lack of fulfillment.

------I tried working again these past few months, but pandemic is getting worse again. Jobs are hyper competitive and its extra hard for me because I don't have a reel nor a portfolio yet. I do have a huge music/audio engineering portfolio but theres no money in the music industry, and its even worse now in the pandemic. This is the path I chose though, I'm just not sure what to do anymore with my life. Suicide before twenty eight amirite?

Thanks for reading, Anikacy out.