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I am having huge problems trying to figure out what to do know, and so hopefully journaling will help, because very few people actually comment in my journal.
So, I met this absolutely wonderful guy...what...five weeks ago? Well, remet, actually. We'll call him...Jon. So Jon and I started hanging out a lot, though I didn't think Jon would ever be interested in me. I have a self-esteem problem, brought about by the 12 guys who previously have screwed me over pretty badly. And I knew Jon was interested in my...well, she was kind of my friend. But I started to talk to Jon online and we arranged to meet for dinner. I had a lot of fun at the dinner and we continued to spend a lot of time together. Thursday evenings, they show a free movie on campus, and I invited Jon to go. He told me he was going with a group and that I was welcome to join, so I did. The group included the girl he was interested in...who we will call Sarah. Sarah, I heard commenting at one point, that I had called Jon and asked about the movie, and not her. Which is a little weird, becuase I was alreay pretty mad at Sarah and hadn't spoken to her in a while anyway. So I went and sat next to Jon, which I think pissed Sarah off. Well, Jon later asked me to go to a coffee shop with him the next Friday. And I agreed and I wasn't sure if it was really a date, or if we were just going to go hang out as friends. Well, I ran into him and a friend of his who we'll call Adrienne, that Tuesday having dinner. My friend and I joined him and his friend and we were all talking. And when Jon had to leave for a meeting, Adrienne asked me if there was something there between Jon and I. And I told her I didn't know and that we were going to this coffee shop Friday and I didn't know if it was a date because I wasn't sure if he was interested in me like that.
And she said she thought he was.
But I didn't know.
So, Friday came and he came to my place to pick me up and we drove over to the coffee shop. While there, we talked for forever and found that they were giving a live performance, and went back to listen to it. After the intermission, he grabbed my hand and then later put his arm around me. It was so awesome.
We went for a walk after we got back to campus...a walk that lasted about four miles and a good three hours. And he kissed me! It was so awesome.
But there was the problem of the other girl, who he was no longer interested in, but was very definately still interested in him...
Plus there was the fact that neither one of us knew where we wanted to take this.
Sooo...
We kept seeing eachother every day, whether to have dinner or walk to classes or talk online. And I am finding myself falling for him more and more.
And if you've read to this part, you probably are just waiting for me to get on with the story.
Well, eventually Sarah found out the two of us were dating...I don't think she's okay with it, but she seems to be. At least, she hasn't tried to murder me yet.
The thing is, Jon and I don't want to just jump into a relationship, and everyone keeps pairing us up. But I don't know what we are actually doing.
Here's where the problems come in:
Never before have I felt like someone actually cared about me. I had told him I didn't want to take our relationship too fast, since my ex and I had gone too fast for my taste and after you've done stuff, he just expected me to have sex with him, which I wasn't going to do. Hence the reason we broke up, among other things.
But Jon and I were taking things fast, as we ended up "dry humping" at one point. The thing was, I didn't feel like I was just something he could use to "get off" on. I cried out at one point in time and he stopped, checking that I was okay. It was so special, because no one had ever done this before. (I can't believe I am writing this...)
And afterwards, I had mentioned that we were definately taking things slowly. And he was upset because he realized he hadn't been listening to me. And we talked about it, and he told me he really cares about me. The thing is, he is this awesome guy...really mature and amazing. And everyone I have talked to really likes him and approves of me dating him. My roomie is a huge critic of guys and she was even pushing for the two of us to start getting serious about eachother. I think it's a good idea to wait to get into a relationship, since then you don't have to deal with there being an end, because that can create huge problems.
Thing is, I can tell I am really falling for him, and I just wish there was a way to know if he is the right guy.
He is the second guy I've dated, but I've never felt this awesome about anyone...he makes me feel so wonderful just being with him. There have been some problems, but I don't know...
I just really am falling for him, but I don't know how he feels about me. I mean, I know he really likes me.
And the thing is...I don't know. I don't want to lose him

But now there is another guy, who I actually am not really that interested in. He's fun to talk to, but I don't want to hurt Jon by hanging out with him. Especially since he had to go out of town and I'd hate for him to think I was hooking up with someone else while he was away. But he wants to get together sometime and just hang out and mess around with music. Which sounds like fun. And since Jon and I aren't in a serious relationship, even if I go on a date with this second guy, who we'll call Jake. Because I wouldn't want to marry anyone when I had dated only one other guy. But I can't figure out what to do.
I really, really like Jon. But I don't even want to be thinking about marriage, since I am only 19. I want to graduate before I get married...
And Jon isn't even sure if he wants to get married. (He's a year older than I). So it really isn't even an issue, but I've seriously never felt so...well, loved and cared for, before. I don't know whether it is just a delusion from the fact that it is a new guy, or if it really is true.
Any advice???
Thanks for reading this all, if you do.
If you do comment and it's helpful, I might be able to reward you with a bit of gold or something.