• -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "never will i stop loving draco. despite some hardships he loves me as i love
    him. though i have to keep things from him, my intentions are for his sake."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Dear Diary,
    December 29th, 1998


    As this is my first entry, I will introduce myself. My name is Astoria Magdalen Greengrass, I’m fifteen, and I’m a Slytherin at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Life doesn’t feel as dull as it once was, no, where I use to only have Daphne, a few friends, and my parents in my life I’ve now added another someone. A man: Draco Malfoy. I should start from the beginning though, otherwise you’d just think that I have only a one sided school girl crush on him – it’s grown to so much more. Before I never thought much of him, Daphne always complained of what a coward he was, how he was a Death Eater; she called him a blond twit and warned me to forever stay away. So, naturally I listened to her. I trusted she was right until I had the chance to find out for myself. Our first real interaction was nothing, hardly just a greeting, but I have to admit it had my interest sparked. It was only a week ago, this winter break had just started so Daphne and I went out to a café to catch up. We sat outside at a small table in Diagon Alley when I spotted him walking. I didn’t think he had seen me until he started heading toward out table. I could feel Daphne scowling, but he was simply being polite, yes? He greeted us with a polite nod, but instead of talking mostly to Daphne like I thought he would he instead introduced himself to me. Of course I told him my name – then there was the gauche pause and promptly Daphne told him, ‘Well, I’ll see you later, I’m sure, Draco.’ In Daphne that meant ‘leave us alone.’ I felt sorry for him though, she had been rude and I found myself actually worried that he thought me rude too. Or, I was worried about that till tonight.

    Tonight there was an engagement ball that father and mother forced me to go to; they had been complaining that I wasn’t socializing enough. So I went with Daphne, but she left me for some new beau as soon as we arrived. Really I’m accustomed to being alone – I got myself a plate of fruit and sat down at one of the table provided right on the corner of the dance floor. I didn’t mind just watching people dance and talk, it was entertaining just to see them having fun or causing drama. I thought that was going to be my entire night until I saw Draco walking towards my table. I nodded to him and gave a small smile thinking that’d he do the same and just walk past, but then he didn’t. He sat down beside me. Then, not only did he sit down, but he engaged me in conversation. Actually, we ended up talking the rest of the night. It was unimaginable. Daphne had to pull us apart at the end of the night, but not before he told me he would soon owl me with plans to see each other again. Of course my sister was disappointed, she only just stopped bickering with me about how I should associate with him, but I don’t care what she says any more. I’m sixteen now and I can make my own decisions.

    Astoria Magdalen Greengrass

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Dear Diary,
    September 5th, 2000


    I’ve forgotten about this book, I knew that I’d never be able to keep up with it. I have to write tonight down though – and I promise that I’ll write more. But tonight I’m not sure if I can describe it perfectly. Draco and I have been dating for two years now – just so that’s clear. He told me he loved me tonight and I said it back of course, for I love him, I do. We love each other. Before tonight I didn’t know so much about the feeling, about love. I know now that it’s too complex for me to understand. It comes with so many more feelings and with so many new doors. I hardly remember how I use to live without Draco, I realize now that I was dependent on my parents and the Daphne and now that dependency has leaned onto Draco. I know that isn’t healthy, but I can’t get myself to change, I can’t make myself care. I’m leaving the entire point of this entry though; I’m forgetting the even I must write about for fear I’ll forget.

    We sat on his couch just murmuring and recounting horrors about our lives when he looked at me and told me he loved me. I said it back. I thought that we’d kiss maybe, but we didn’t. He stood up and took my hands and pulled me up after him. His parents weren’t home, out to the opera I think, but it doesn’t matter. It didn’t matter. Clinging to his hand, I followed him upstairs in silence. I was innocent then, I had only a sliver of an idea what we were about to do. Once we reached his bedroom he gave me a kiss – considering that I had started to shake a little it was very reassuring. Then we went in. I don’t remember breathing, just shuddering, as I lay on his bed and looked up at him crawling over me. I wasn’t sure what to do exactly. He unbuttoned my blouse and then undid my skirt’s clasp. I could feel myself blushing at least as well as my heart racing, I thought for a moment it was going to explode as I watched him take off his shirt and pants. Then his bare chest was against mine again – my breast to his cold skin. I’m sure he could feel my own heart as I could feel his. I didn’t know what to do. Mother never taught me about sex, I didn’t learn hardly anything about it until my fifth year in school when my roommate explained it to me. People had always told me I was as innocent as they came. Draco seemed alright though, he knew what he was doing, I just kissed him back as well as I could and let him pull down my underwear. I trusted him. Then he took off his own and looked at me as if I knew what to do next. I could only close my eyes and press my lips back to his. Thank Salazar he then took us underneath the sheets. After only moment of kissing him he stopped. Again I opened my eyes to see he had just moved to kiss my neck – then, suddenly, I felt him go into me. I didn’t know what to do; I wasn’t able to articulate anything; I could only let out a small shriek of pain. He went further and further in and only gave me more and more pain, screaming, red pain. I didn’t tell him to stop, even when he asked if I was alright I only nodded despite the tears streaming down my face and the blood that had gathered in my nails from his own body. Yes, I had dug them so deeply into his back I had pierced his skin – I don’t think he even felt it. Then, what happened next, I don’t know what it was or how to even describe it. Draco seemed to have slipped into some other world as he carefully ran up and down my body over and over again. My heart had stopped long again, I only shook and made sure to keep him as close as I could to me. Though I kissed him whenever I could find his face he had stopped, he was just shuddering and enjoying me. Then there was something wet - again inside of me. Draco slowed a bit and finally he stopped. He gaped at me with a worried look, I still haven’t figured out why he looked so distressed. Though I had stopped crying he wiped off my dried tears, grabbed my wrist, and then pulled me off his bed and dragged me to the shower. I glanced back at the bed only to see it strained red and white. At this point I was so unsure of what was going on or what had happened. Draco seemed so troubled still and pushed me into the shower and proceeded to clean me and his own body, as if I was some little girl who couldn’t wash her own body. I needed it though; I was still shaking, still in pain, and still bleeding. We dried off and got dressed again in silence and then he took me home.

    That’s where I am now. He told me he’d come over tomorrow and he’s sorry about the soreness that I now feel. He also told me he still loved me. I can never forget this night. It means too much to me. I’m in love and I’m no longer ‘as innocent as they came.’

    Astoria Magdalen Greengrass

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Dear Diary,
    September 11th, 2000


    I’m sick. I have a small temperature and I’ve been throwing up the past two days. My back is aching. I told mother I’d go shopping with her, but I suppose I can’t now. Hopefully I’ll be better tomorrow. I would love to buy a new dress.

    Astoria Magdalen Greengrass

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Daphne thinks I’m pregnant

    (the page is tear stained – the entry isn’t dated or signed – the entry could not be finished due to the author fainting)

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    September 14th


    It’s two in the morning and I haven’t slept, I can’t cry anymore, I’ve stopped shaking, I should explain my last entry though. I’ve managed to calm myself down, or this wine and potion Daphne gave me have my nerves wound again. She came in to give me some soup yesterday as I was rereading my latest journal entry and she took it from me. At first as she read it there was only a smirk. I didn’t mind her reading it, after all she’s my sister, but then her smirk faded and she was frowning by the end of it. She knew why Draco had been so worried and she explained it to me – with plenty repulsive details. There was a pause as I didn’t know what to say, but things didn’t get better for she only went on to tell me the symptoms of pregnancy. I’m not sick. I wish I was. I wish I was dying.

    If it is true I’m not telling Draco, I don’t know what I’ll do. Daphne says there are ways to hide it all or to make it go away. I don’t want a child, I can’t handle one. I’ll be a disgrace to my parents, they’ll kick me out, and they’ll kill me. Father will kill Draco. Draco’s parents will - This can’t happen to me. I’m not telling anyone until I have to, only Daphne will know. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Oh Salazar, let me die. This can’t happen. I’m eighteen. It can’t. I’m so scared.

    Astoria Greengrass

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Dear Diary,
    November 7th, 2000


    I think Draco’s started to suspect. It’s been a month and a half and it’s true – I’m pregnant. No matter how much I wish, I’m not dead yet. Still Daphne hasn’t said a word to anyone and she’s being the best sister anyone could want, but still I’ve never been so unhappy. I still throw up, my back still aches and I have to pee for what feels like constantly. But the point of this entry, I hardly think straight anymore: Draco’s suspicious. We’ve had sex again, it’s gotten much better, there’s still pain but now it’s easier and feels much better to me. At first I was unsure if we should, but I had such an urge to again. Lust? I’m sure that’s the right word for it. I have this uncontrollable lust for him despite how because of him I’m pregn like this. So today after we, well, did ‘it,’ we just lay in bed – for a moment I forgot about ‘everything’ and was actually happy, I think – then he looked over at me and frowned. I frowned too and of course asked him what was wrong. He only shook his head, put his hand on my stomach, and murmured something about my breast getting bigger. I could feel sickness coming on at soon as his fingers touched my bare stomach. Luckily, leaving him on his bed, I ran to the bathroom and made it to the toilette in time. I even managed to slam the door so he didn’t see me. He’s too smart though, he knew I was throwing up. He gave me a horrible look when I came back out and hardly talked to me as I laid back down on his chest and closed my eyes. He couldn’t know though, I have no stomach still, just I have gotten larger breast and I did throw up – but those two things can’t raise suspicion for a boy, can it? I’m not telling him, if he figures it out, I still don’t know what he’d do. When I left his house he told me he loved me and I said it back. If or when he does find out, I hope that at least remains the same. I’m so scared, I need help.

    Astoria Magdalen Greengrass

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Dear Diary,
    November 22th, 2000


    Three days ago Daphne and I went to St. Mungos.
    The only reason I’m able to write now is because of this potion she’s given me.
    She won’t let me have anymore wine though.
    They took him away from me; they said he died and that there was a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage. They said even with magic they couldn’t stop it. They had to cut him out of me and then healed my scar – I screamed too much at the sight of the scar and they removed it. Draco will never know, my parents will never know, no one will.
    It was suppose to just be a check up, they were going to tell me the gender. Then, after laying in the hospital bed I suddenly had more than one healer around me. They told me that at first I’d have to push my baby out, but then they determined that I wasn’t even strong enough to do that. That’s when they cut him out. They didn’t make me sleep, they only numbed me. I had to watch. Then I fainted at the site of it. It was disgusting. Horrifying. I didn’t know where Daphne was and then there was just blackness. I woke up and I was home. She told me how at the hospital I had woken up once and just screamed, but I don’t remember that. She told me that they had found out it was a boy, but it had died. It hadn’t gotten enough nutrients or something. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. An owl has been pecking at my window for three hours with a letter. It’s Draco’s owl but I don’t think I can read it. Mother and father don’t care that I’ve locked myself in my room. They send the house elf in with food but I can’t eat it. Daphne can apparate in and she says that if I don’t answer that stupid owl she’ll kill it. She can’t stand the pecking.

    Astoria Magdalen Greengrass

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Dear Diary,
    December 1st, 2000


    All in three months my life has changed, I’m clean now, I’m pure again. I’m not happy yet, but I’m getting there. I don’t know where I’d be without Daphne or if I had told Draco everything. He wouldn’t still be with me I’m sure, he wouldn’t still love me. If I had told my parents they would’ve at least disowned me. I’m glad things are almost normal. I can think clearly again – but I don’t know how to feel, relieved or saddened. I’d say that I’m happy the baby is gone, but that sounds cruel and it was hardly there in the first place. There is a part of me that had started to get attached; I was beginning to feel a little motherly under all that worry. The doctor said that from the beginning there was no way my body could’ve handled childbirth though – I really would’ve died. I don’t think the baby would’ve been worth death anyways. And think, if it had been born and I had died, people would blame it for killing me. Yes, it’s better this way. It’s a burden of a secret though, I only have Daphne to talk to and I’m sure she’s getting tired of me. I look forward to the future. I don’t think I’ll be writing much anymore. It seems that when I do the worst of things happen. Mother and I are finally going shopping for a new dress; I’m trying not to be so depressed anymore. Even if my spirit is a bit of a guise, one day I’m sure I’ll be over all this. One day my only memory will be this diary.

    Astoria Magdalen Greengrass

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Dear Diary,
    April 4th, 2001


    This is my final journal entry, after today life is complete. I’m happy again, I truly am. I have to recount today perfectly, it’s another day that I’ll never let myself forget. It was just too perfect. I’ve been really depressed the last few months. I did finally come out of my room and I answered Draco’s owl. That was a while ago. I’ve slowly been recovering. But today – I don’t have anything else to recover from. Draco has been forcing me to get out more since I’ve tried to keep to my own house so today I went over to his house. We went out and had a very private lunch and then went back to the Malfoy manor to just walk around his gardens. That house really has the loveliest gardens, there are white peacocks strutting about and it’s just so well kept. When we got to the fountain that sits in the middle I sat down – he didn’t. Instead he got down on a knee and presented a ring. A ring! He said he didn’t want to see me so sad anymore, that he wanted me to be happy again and I am! I truly am again. I’m going to me Astoria Magdalen Malfoy one day. Astoria Gree Malfoy. Astoria Magdalen Malfoy. It’s perfect. After what I’ve been through I don’t know what I would do if I had to find another man. I know, I've been acting like a little girl again, it's a tad pathetic but I'm just too excited and happy.

    I almost told him today. Now that we’re engaged shouldn’t I tell him? I just don’t know how to articulate it. I don’t think he’d take back my ring, I think he’d understand now – since it didn’t actually happen. I don’t know, if there ever comes a perfect time to tell him, I will then. I love Draco, he loves me. We’re getting married! I may hardly been nineteen, but I don’t care. Of course we won’t actually get married for a year or so, but still, I’m engaged to the only man I can ever see myself with. I can’t write down how happy I am. Tomorrow he’s coming over and we’re announcing it to my parents and sister. It’s been a while since we have made love but I think I’m ready for that again. It may be another month, he keeps begging me for it, and he doesn’t understand why I don’t want to. I do lust for him of course, more than anything. But I’m almost scared. Maybe tomorrow we’ll go somewhere and try it. It’s still hard for me, but I do love him and we are getting married. Yes, I’m ready, I just want to make it special again; I have to go now though. Like I said, I won’t be writing anymore. Goodbye for good.

    Astoria Magdalen Malfoy