Sometimes, a mortal crosses the line.
Sometimes, those foolish creatures try to grasp something they don't understand.
Sometimes, mortals strive for the gods.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on that beautiful goddess, and the stupid thoughts that crossed my mind. It all seems like a perfect daydream. Watching her in her rightful place, hearing her voice, witnessing something so powerful, and knowing I had to meet her. Well, she wanted to meet me, something I shocked to learn. She asked my name, which I stuttered stupidly, she hugged me, and we parted. It was the first time I was touched by a goddess, her arms wrapped around me so delicately, it was like she knew how fragile I really was.
She was like a drug.
I heard somewhere I made her day, a phrase I would hear often after that faithful encounter. A phrase I still can't comprehend, but something I long for. After months I finally got the courage to talk to her again.
My greatest mistake that led to the happiest moments of my life.
We talked, never meeting of course. Until 2 months later, I stumbled upon her again.
She gave me more than a hug that time, I had flattered her, in fact, it was exactly a year ago. The flatter led to many hugs, and a kiss upon my head. That kiss seems like a dream, like ever encounter I have with her. Not a bad dream, of course, the best dream I could hope to have. That night she sang, and I was lost. Every now and then our eyes met, and she smiled at me, and my heart fluttered. That night I was pulled away from my goddess.
I was torn, but I was not surprised. It was something I had to get used too, for at that moment I thought I would never see the goddess again, that it was through. She wouldn't talk to me.
I was wrong.
The goddess stayed, and talked, she made me smile in times of pain, she lifted my spirits, and she sparked my inspiration (and yet she says I am hers). Little complements left her lips, compliments not even the love of my life would tell me. And though she gave me a little pain at some points, she was, no, is like my drug.
Feeling her hand on my head.
Closing my eyes in total bliss.
Wishing to never wake from the dream that has graced me against all odds, but knowing that I would be parted again to my reality.
Was it real?
I once realized my mistake and tried to fix it. "I'll stay away if she doesn't want me" I promised myself, that night believing that she would shoo me off while she immersed herself work.
To my surprise, and to my horror, she kept me that night.
She beckoned me to her as soon as I entered the room, as soon as she saw me.
She sat me down and talked to me, she gave me a gift, and even she broke my heart.
Because that night I knew she was with another.
And that night I made a promise that I would not touch her.
A goddess should be with a god, not a simple young, foolish, mortal girl.
But she stayed with me for hours, more time than she spent with her god that night. That night is special to me, another happy dream.
And it was then it seemed something sparked.
Her little flirts drive me insane.
Her compliments make me wish for something more.
Spending all day in pain, knowing I'm alone, until she talks to me.
And everything is ok.
I have caught myself in a dream when I am with her, for now I realize it is the only time I am happy. When she jokes around with me, or tells me how important I am (something I would never think to hear...), or when she holds me, I know I feel so happy, so perfect.
But then, I fight with myself.
For, I know I am to loose everything if I make the wrong move, and I know if I give her my own kiss she'll banish me to the hell I fear.
Though I am more open with her.
And though I am less cautious with her.
I control my movements, I don't touch unless she initiates it (though, I have been brave enough to be the one to give her a huge twice), and I don't talk unless I am spoken too. Here, I wonder what she thinks of me.
And yet, somehow, I already know.
Maybe she does love me.
I wish she wouldn't...
How many times how I have wish for my goddess to banish me. So I can maybe live a day with out longing for her touch, her voice, a silly compliment, or stupid joke. How many times I have feared for just that to happen. I cannot count how many times I have replayed the scenario in my head.
Don't love me.
Stay with him.
You're happy with him.
I'll hurt you in the end.
And for another reason, which even in my dreams I can't admit to her.
Not of her, for I know she would never hurt me on purpose.
But of those accidents.
I have grown to fear any love.
I have grown to fear the craving I have for these small little things from her.
I have grown to fear how much she cares for me.
But, the most I can do is keep my distance, even as she refuses to keep hers.
I'll bite my tongue, as she urges me to talk.
I won't touch, as her soft hands trace my skin.
I'll pray she stays with him, and that she never makes that move.
For when she does, I regret to say that will be the day I leave.
I do not deserve the goddess.
I did not deserve what she has given me.
And yet, day-by-day, I fear I receive more from her.
But, I'll return the favour.
With my silent love.
With my open friendship.
I'll never leave her.
(Mentally, at least)
It is all I can give to her.
Though she has given me so much more.
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