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------I hope the title was enticing enough for you to read this. Its been on my mind now and I didn't really know where to start as there are so many things to talk about. I guess I could start that one of my fish, well my only fish, died. I know, its just a fish and I shouldn't worry about it. Its not like a dog or a cat that I could cuddle, and they show their affection back via purring or face licking. I blame the fact that I really don't have room for pets other than fish, in my place. Sometimes I talk to it, knowing that it can't respond back. Its the perfect listener. Its just there, watching, It dazzles me, that our universes are literally separated by water and glass. The idea bewilders me that you can have affection into something is in another plane of existence... (Ani pls). In fact, my fish just needed me for food and what not, I think that's how our relationship was in its eyes, nothing else, nothing more. I have lost other pet fishes in the past. Its nothing new. Still kinda scratches your soul, you know? Rest in peace Tukmol, (English translation of a European turtle dove).

------I guess that's another thing I wanna touch upon, that I forget that I have lost other pet fishes in the past, or it stays in the back of my mind. And that I forget about people too. My mom was telling me a story about her grandfather's uncle, while we were doing laundry the other day. Little did she know that she had told me this story before, last month when we were also doing laundry. My mother is getting old; Its kinda scary. When she dies and I have my own kids and s**t, I wonder if I'll remember that story about my great grandfather's brother. If I do, that will be amazing. But knowing life, he will probably be forgotten by my children's generation. I should probably write about him to remember his legacy in another entry, he has a great story. Though I feel like I will be summoning his ghost and stuff, that would be so cool though. I guess the point I'm trying to get to is, people forget. I wonder if people will forget me, heh... not like it matters, we all fade away in due time nonetheless.

------Thank you Selena by the way if you are reading this. I'm not sure if I told you yet, but thanks to you I'm kinda not afraid of dying anymore. You have had a big influence on my journey so far, and near a strange event triggered it. I was in the car with my family and stuff, we just came from a party and my dad was partially drunk. My sister has been pestering my dad to stop drinking because hes the one that is going home. My dad is like, "lol k whatever". They get into a heated argument because my sister doesn't him to drive and he feels disrespected. I'm like looking outside with my headphones on listening to Walking Across Jupiter's Right to Life, (Irony) and I'm like #Kermit, "that's none of my business tho." And then my sister starts bawling, cause shes upset. She starts talking about how some of her friends from high school have died due to intoxication on the road. What gets me though is when she said:

------"...I don't wanna die here..."

------And I hear it. I hear that sense of fear, like shaking within her voice. And I look at her for a long time with like a "e___e" face, (I don't know how to express and describe that face in words). I'm thinking in my head that if I died today that would be so cool; least I don't have to pay for my loan debts, I would see Ani in an afterlife, I get to explore life after death, I could go on more. and the other thought in my head is kinda shocked, seeing my older sister begging for her life, and with the dark thoughts of of me thinking of how weak and pathetic she looked. It was a weird moment... My mom ended up driving. But a part of me got scared cause I realized that I wasn't so afraid of dying. I'm not sure if that was the intended effect of the message you were trying to tell me Selena, but I have come to accept it.

------I have come to realize, that life is a fragile thing. And at any single moment, it can be taken away as swiftly and unexpectedly. I know its so cliche, but its so ******** true. I wonder sometimes, that because we're not afraid, if we have devalued our lives somehow. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I wanna know about what you think, but I think this entry just got too long.

Anyways this is Anikacy! Hope you're having a great morning. Signing out.