═カラ═╕
It's exactly as it reads. And I need a place to vent that feels public and open to me, so my journal will hold this.
...
The feel of something sharp piercing a barrier, the warm insides rushing out in an uncomfortably warm and wet way, the feel of ripping teeth, of unshakable cold chills, and of someone digging their nails into your back and clawing out your spine and arms...
To me, that's how serious this feeling is.
I was cursed with a depression I can't escape.
I was cursed. This is not something I can just ignore or bottle up. When I try to communicate my feelings, it's hard to appear unaffected and neutral. Of course I'll look upset while trying to talk about how upset I am. But no, I'm just being a big baby. No, ******** that, I'm a crazy b***h. I hardly talk or yell, but when I do I am called crazy.
So I nearly stopped talking altogether, and have been avoiding people.
I'm not sensitive, every person surround me is insensitive, that's all. I don't burst into tears when being criticized. I burst into tears when I'm being told to shut up because it sucks. I don't lose my head because I've lost an argument. I burst into tears when I've lost a reasonable argument against a person who is racist, publicly humiliated for even trying, all because no one would take my side. I don't cry when I'm being degraded or insulted. I only cry when I realize that even at home, I can't find solace there.
People like to assume things about me, and never care to think about the real reasons behind what I do and how I act. I make mistakes, but I'm not always wrong. I have at least the grace to accept when I'm wrong. But with others... anything but admitting they were wrong! I hate that. I abhor those kinds of people.
Instead, they'll insult and attempt to humiliate/embarrass me. But I'm not stupid, I'm not a loser, and I'm definitely not crazy. At least, not yet.
I'm not just being sensitive, emo, or what-have-you. But what happens when someone's forced to bottle up negative feelings and no one around wants to hear him/her out?
Then they go crazy.Damnit, It's not my fault. It's not entirely my fault, but they act like it is. I'm not stupid, and I'm not crazy.
I hate people. I'll never fall in love. People are cruel. Girls and boys alike. All they care about is winning, themselves, and pleasure.
╘═マデ═
