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Well, This is what i live in, lies and deception. My life turned for the worse when im moved to california. My current home, I Used to live in England. But we moved again. For like the 4th time stare And im not very old so thats kinda a lot to move.. I feel empty for some reason. Not really here or there or anyware.. Invisable in a way thats hard to explain :/


Idk who i am anymore.... I used to be happy go lucky and Always Cheerfull. For those who know me now. U know thats not the case at the moment. I cause pain everyware i go. I get in the way. And mess up everyones life it seems. U may see me happy. But truthfully im not a happy, nice, or particulary good person.. If im in a good mood, its just a mood. But me being sad. feeling alone, Wanting to be alone. That is me, thats not a mood its just Me.

When im in a good mood i might be listnin to rap or R&B. But thats not the music i tend to listin to everyday. I wil uaslly listin to it maybe once a week. I used to be rly rly happy, I loved all my friendz and they loved me mrgreen I listined to Rap, R&B, and Hip-Hop. cuzz dats what my freindz listined to. And for a time i thought i was kool. I mean When ur trying to find yourself u go with what everyone else is. Here The word "Gangster" is thrown around a lot. Well i used to think dat was the koolest thing to be in the world. But its not what i want to be at all. Gangsters arent enything to be proud of. They Glorified Guns, Sex, Drugs, And crime. If thats what u want to be apart of be my guest but im not. So i broke away from my friendz in a way. and Found music that had feeling to it. Important thingz that made sense. Technicly stuff not about B***** and H***. people call the music i listin to Emotinal maybe.

I hurt people and uaslly idc, i lost all the feelingz i have people in this world. B/c Everyone i loved and lived for. Never liked me, they pretended and made me feel good for the time we were together. But as soon as that time is over, and maybe we decide to be freindz. It doesnt work, B/c i still love the person. But they dont love me. And they wont Ever Know how i feel. I uaslly dont say when im crying b/c then they ask why. When they dont really care. They ask b/c they think they have to its required of them (In there mind i guess)

I rather be left alone, Just let me kool down and maybe ill be ok. Most likely not but its worth a try i guess. Im unsure of me, and my feelingz. i Have Mixed feelings about everything. My old account, I left. (diedcameback-forrevenge) b/c the one i love, or idk anymore.. But anyways they told me i was posing as emo and maybe i am. Maybe im not emo. Maybe im just confused again. I listin to rap sometimes but after a while is pisses me off -.-'' . ..

But anywaysi left my account, and oddly i was ok i guess. i cryed for a while then kinda saw what was infront me. i Just wanted the person i loved to be happy. And they dont want me in there life. So i wont ever talk to, or bother the person. The have a gf and seem happy anyways. I just messed it up in the first place. So i got my new account, transfered my stuff over and only told my best freinds to send me a freindz request on this profile. I made this one to escape the people i did not want to associate with. And i was ok, not jumping for joy but i guess i was ok.b4 i left my old account, I sent one last pm to them:


i know im off ur freinds list, have a good life plz.i dont want my bichy, dumb a** self get in the way of ur happines. ill leave u alone. i just want u to know that im sorry. b/c i made ur life hell b/ im a b***h. and i love u, and ill miss u. good bye katie. u will always b in my heart. as long as it can live anyways...

Later that day, they called my house... Saying They Sent me a pm and i checked rl quick to see what it said:

sorry for how i acted earlyer i was kinda mad because amanda made me pissed

After dat, i forgave the person, i mean i cant uaslly stay mad at this person. i love them with all my heart and i dont ever whant to hurt them in anyway. But They had told me durin are fight i was off there friends list, I was a poser, and they said good bye for ever. And i forgave them just like that. even though i know they hurt me really bad.. And now idk what to feel. although i kinda feel toyed with in a way. i took em back so quickly that now they may think that they can do this to me anytime they whant. and i dont want them to get that in there head. B/c they cant, I felt kinda ready to move on. To show that i loved them so much im happy as long as there happy. Im not socialy, or mentaly ready to date again. It doesnt feel right anyways. I could Kiss someone and all i think of is the one im not over yet. I could try to think of good memories, and only think of times i was with them. See a Good looking person and only think of the one im still in love with.

Im not ready to move on i guess, not over them, probably never fully will be iether. but i can try.Although i wonder what my life would be like now if i hadnt taken there apoligy. Let them live there life and me live myne. But i guess ill never know now. Its to late i let them back in. And i im not sure if i want them out or in anymore. Its all so confusing.

Everynight i cry myself to sleep, thinkin of why i cant have you
Knowing its just me, thats its my fault and i need to stop
pause and get over it.
copy over the old times and make room for the new.
But your love is addictive, i cant let u go your love is like the floo
makes u sick to the stomach sometimes but you will be ok in a few days.
All the pain the tears i cry, I never say goodbye.
I cant let u go
I want to be everything u want
B/c u keep my life together. In check, In place.
When im staring death in the face
all i think of is you, and i dont do it
live threw the night to see what morning bringz
I need to quit with these feelingz.
withought you idk what i would do, but ill live for now.
and see what tomorow bringz.
I live for you, i die for you, ill kill for you
b/c the only thing im thinkin of now is
you....