Around my freinds of course ill "act." happy i dont want them to worry. B/c when they worry it annoys me with all there questions and crap.
Some people think ive changed. An they dont want anything to do with me anymore... wel oh well if, Its ur loss Not myne.
Uaslly I dont care what people say to me, but For some reason im giong soft like everything gets to me these days. Its starting to worry me. My anger issues got worse ._. My best freind Ricardo in rl his foster Bro David... Well me and David dont get alond he is a jerk and just cusses at everyone and is a perverted jack a**. And one day I couldnt take it anymore. I turned around punched him, kicked him three times and choke slammed him. He deserved it in my mind But once it got brought up at the dinner table at my house. I practicly got in trouble. For beating up a freaking boy. rolleyes
To me thats retarded. Its not like he wasnt hitting me first and My mom was angry -.-
No one gets me, No one cares so whats the piont of living?
I mean I love my family and all but it doesnt seem like they understand... If i where to tell my mom was Bisexual she would disown me. Even though she always says she would love me no matter what. I freaking doubt it. Which is why ive only told my freinds in rl and not my family.
Ive told my cuzzin Joe.. But I trust her and she is my fave cuzzin and i know she wont tell anyone.
Or atleast i hope =/
Well anyways It seems like the only reason im living right now is my best freind Jagreet in rl, My gf and my other fwend in rl Shay.
They didnt let me kill myself like i wanted to in summer time. Alhtough my gf went through a lot of stuff. and at times I felt like she wanted me to kill myself.
But we got over everything that happend this summer. Its the past...
But I cant axactly get over everything. Its always in the back of my mind and I will forget it. But I wil never say anything. It could start it all up again.
And thats the last thing i need. I mean I have my moments and all and uaslly when im alone or im dis agreeing with my gf or my fwends.
Or im being made fun of at skool...
I just want to die, and I think the worl would be better if i would have died this summer x.x
But my gf wont let me kill myself and i know my fwends would be sad.
But i think they would move on =/
This summer everyone hurt me i was cut off from the world and no one cared. I become anerxic, I didnt sleep (and still barely do.)
Im not re-covered from this summer. Its been the worst summer I have witnessed.
So much happend its hard to keep track.
Heart break, Anguish, Tears, Pain.....
My soul is gone and so is my abilty to deeply, trully be happy.
But The thing keeping me alive is my Girl Freind and I will never let her go. I admit i had doubts this summer but I think she did as well...
And Its all better now ._. For the most part i mean.
Between me and her where awshome. But as i told you im ginog to therapy for this summer. Im depresed and some would say....
But oh well beats the loony house xD.
Anyways I can only hope things between me and my gf keep running smoothly.
Yeah and funneh thing yesterday Her best freind in rl Robert is now giong out with my best fwend in rl Jagreet lol.
So ill have to see how that works out, It should be interesting i guess...
Like ive probably said b4 Ive lost my best fwend jorge which ive known for a long time v.v
It makes me sad to know he betrayed me when he was the one person who said wouldnt.
I think htat a lot of my depresion os from my fwends, which is sad to say the least..
At skool i get made fun of all the damn time.
ppl Calling me a lezbo and everyone thinks i asked out this 7th Grader named Alison( which i didnt.)
Gawd i hate the world ._.
It seems like for them to not be an outcast they have to make me an outcast. Ill never be good enough for the world. Ill never be what ppl hope to be. Ill never be like anyone else. Ill never be delightfully happy.
I live and I die for my fwends. My Gf, my Family....
Ill always be what I am...
But truthfully I dont know what "Me." is anymore...
Taken so many turns, Made so many bad chioces, And done so many terrible things Ill never know what really is "Me." anymore...... v.v
To my GF:
To Jagreet:
To my fwends:
To my family:
Poem..
Il never be what you need me to be...
Ill never be what you hoped for me to be...
I hope that you see the way i cry for you..
Im so sorry I cant help you,So sorry im hopeless..
Crying,Fighting,Bleeding, Inside im slowly dying.
I dont want to go. But I must.
Your my only strength, my only breath.
I want to be yours for eternity.
But I let you down..
Im sorry I cant help you, Im sorry im a lost cause.
Im running away from my feelings, Trying to leave you be.
I dont want to cause more pain.
As my heart bleeds black Because of the metal strain.
That some call love and i call death.
Im lost and and Im alone. I cry and Ive given up.
You are In the light and Im in the Dark.
Ill Stay here, let u live your life.
Show me the shadow life...
I wipe my blood stained tears on my sleeve...
Are you happy now that ive taken leave?
You might be sad for a few days a few months a few years.
But in and out of your sadness you only shed one tear...
And that tear... Was the one tear I didnt see.
That was telling me,begging me, screaming to me....
To...
Not leave...
