• Maybe life is pointless.

    They're pounding on my door now. I think I frightened them, running off in tears. They've never seen me cry before. Every time I think I'm calming down, that my breathing will go back to normal, the battle flashes in front of my eyes, and I start sobbing again.

    I wonder if this is what a suicide jumper feels like at the top of a building.Wondering if they should jump. Wondering if they should take a step they can never take back.

    This gun...it feels weird. I don't know what kind it is, but it fits in my hand. It's my edge. The decision I can't take back. Except that even if I step away, even if I get up and put the gun back in the dresser drawer, it'll still be there, waiting for me to finally pull the trigger. The only time I can't take back my decision is if I jump.

    Natasha is dead. That's why she wasn't there yesterday. She's dead. So is Dee's family. Natasha killed them. So Dee killed Natasha.

    Marco is dead. So is Tyler. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. I think they thought they were doing something important when they saved me.

    They pounding is gone. I think they're trying to give me space. Or they might send Sihiri in. Walls don't stop her.

    So that's it. I have to make the decision before Sihiri gets here. Do I stay or do I go? Do I go back out there and pretend everything is alright, or let them lose another leader in a struggle that's already seen so many die? My choice.

    They want me to save them. I don't think I want to save anyone.

    So maybe life is pointless. Maybe life is that smile, that bubbling warm happiness when you feel like there's a sun inside you, shining bright. Maybe that's life.

    My sun is gone. I thought when this was over, I could bring it back. But I don't think it's worth it. Not anymore.

    Sihiri will come soon. It has to be now.