weird feelings. y'know when you think back on something and realise 'what the hell way i saying?!' or 'why did i think that?' liek not talkign to someone because you figure you're not cool enough, or they'r enot worht your time, or not wearing a colour just because it's in or out? it's liek the feeling of being wacked in the head or waking up or something. i keep getting it. actually. a bunch of times in the past few months. like every time i realise a little of myself that i blocked off i've just regained access to. i looked in the mirror yesterday after i got home form square one with my sister and mom. well it was weird. like it wasn't me. or not the old me. but this time in a good sense. i think. somethign about my reflection, or the way i was precieving things around me and people. funny now. all i can remember is my scarf and the face i was wearing turquoise, red, black and white. but it all seems different. i was good though. after the last show, felt liek i fit in with people. friends. liek i wasn't "cooler" or more of a "loser" that i fit in just fine. i was being myself or something. all beit, there was a little personal gain in mind [has a girlfriend though :[ ] but it was 92% for me. just to be myself. i really liked it. if it was me anyway. [having problems telling what's real from what's faker than pamela anderson in a bikini.] but no, it was good. good for a while. somehow i got lost in old thoughts though. i lost two months of time and started over, but somehow i got tossed back in. guys, please, i've forgotten, let it lay. i don't care anymore [i don't mean that negatively]. i'm happy where i am, or was, or might be tomorrow. the past is over, so forget it. look around. that's where you are and will be for about a minute. we're only 14. we don't even have all of our adult teeth yet [i think]. we're nto going to remember who was going out with who, or why so and so's a b***h, or he's a slut, or she's a dyke. so why bother? think i lost what i was saying. actually, i think it's almost stamped out anyway. please can we all stop talking, or at least admit to it when we are? when you say things, don't you think 'hey, what if when i say this, the person's going to tun around and say the same about me?' i do. i freak every time and i relaised it actually happens. you say something, i say something. i say something, you say something. i guess there's no way to end stuff. and i mean this to no one in particular [everyone]. man i feel stupid. and a little lonely. because i relaised there are some low people out there. but i just may be worse.
.!conoclast. · Mon Dec 25, 2006 @ 04:23am · 2 Comments |