what if i don't want to be logical? i don't. [which is probably a really stupid thing to say.] but really, i want things to get neatly rapped up in thirty minutes, with commercial breaks so it's not all drama all the time. i don't want to have to think, i want the script delivered two weeks prior so i can read over it and fermiliarize myself, to avoid any little mistakes. a loveable yet slightly clueless character that you just don't hate. i'd even go along with the overexadgurated highschool stereotypes. cheerleaders, skaters, jocks, stoners, gangsters, prep-kids, goths, etc. all the classics we grew up on that you don't actually see in real life. the lies about highschool we were fed as little kids who watched tv. Where break-ups didn't hurt that much and there was always some too-good-to-be-trueguy who was pretty cute but slightly dorky that liked you and was there to cheer you up. but yeah, you didn't have confusing situations, or people who are just different from what you thought. and you don't just sit there like.. "what was that about?" or "why are you saying THAT? i'd have thought you'd try to cheer me up and you're talking about your hair, or telling me that you have it worse." it's strange. maybe you are doing things normally and i just see it weird now. or maybe i'm the weird one. that this is just so abnormal and it's just getting the semi-normal point, but i've been strange with it so long that i think it's weird. i just dunno. i think i am abstract. i mean i'm not un-'normal'. but i'm not generic brand. i'm a little tainted, and not in a bad way. or at least from my way of see it. wow. i just reliased how subjective everything is. i mean i spend so much time adding in "in my oppinion"s or "but that's just how i see it." to things and i really don't need to. anything i say or do is because that's how i precieve it, and that's nto right or wrong so why do i appologise? i guess i just don't want to offend, but it's the way i see it so why shoudl i? i'm not going to change your mind, and i'm not going to change mine. maybe i should find another person who thinks liek i do? i only realised a couple months ago that i'm one of the few people who think like i do. and you're one of the few who think like you do. and so on and so on. but if you think idfferently then i do, and i get how you think, does that mean i think liek you? i'd have to to understand you. but i don't, so maybe i'm just trying to make myself feel superior by saying i understand how you're thinking of something. but really i don't. i don't understand people going out with someone for the sake of going out with them, guessing they might find feelings for that person, but in the mean time it's just conveniant i guess? i don't know, i do't get it. i think it's a pretty shitty thing to do. wouldn't it be better to let them down easy? insted of saying "yeah sure" and then "no, ******** off" a couple days later. it's mean. i also don't understand trusting someone you clearly can't. why do it? it's one of the most selfdestructive things you can do, you're setting yourself up, and it's stupid. so i should stop setting myself up. though i honestly don't know weather i am or not. being happy where i am's good right? and i am. or would be more so if i didn't keep dropping the mirror i'm using to keep watch of what's happening behind me. i'm walking around with headphones on to block out what i don't want to hear, but just in case i'm watching my back so i dont get hurt too badly. and you're just walking in and out of my vision, smiling, pretending nothing's wrong, but i'm sure it is. i know it is. with me anyway. though my oppinion changes daily. happy. sad. doubtful. angsty. paranoied. laughing for beign paranoied because everything's perfect. but as soon as i get there it melts away and i'm screwed. i need to get over this. [all of this.] it's somethign that i can tell i'll never miss and it's true. but i don't want to? i think. or maybe it's something i will miss. i did,but i got over it. so i can again, right? and i should. i'm not very confident right now. not sure what's going on. I am heaven sent Don't you dare forget I am all you've ever wanted What all the other boys all promised Sorry I told I just needed you to know I think in decimals and dollars I am the cause to all your problems Shelter from cold We are never alone Coordinate brain and mouth Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out I wish I knew sigh. and yeah, i actually sighed there. but whatever, i'll get over it. one way or another. As if it happening wasn't enough I got to go and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked Ignore the sun, covers over my head Wrote a message on my pillow that says "Jesse, stay asleep in bed" Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die!) Search your cell for something which to hang yourself They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to Hell!
.!conoclast. · Mon Jan 29, 2007 @ 07:40pm · 3 Comments |