What makes a person lovable?
Today at my Alateen meeting we had a joined meeting with the Al-Anons. The Topic was: What makes you lovable? I and I really had to think about it for a while. I mean, what really makes me lovable? I put up a big front that nothing is wrong in my life, when really that isn't true. I pretend that I'm happy and have no care in the world, but really those are just my walls. I try to be strong and to put on a brave smile, but really that's just my way of keeping people at bay. I'm so scared that if people knew the real me, then they would hate me so I try to please everyone around me.
My whole life I was told I was worthless, and for a long time I believed it. I've always feel like I didn't really belong in my family, because they all always seemed so perfect. I've never really felt like there was any room for me. I've always felt that everything was my fault. That just maybe if I was smarter, or prettier, or more out-going, or if I just changed one thing about me, everything would be better. Sometimes I even felt that if I was never born, everyone would be happier because then they wouldn't have had to known me. I've even tried to kill myself, or run away. I really just wanted all my feelings of hurt, and sadness and chaos to go away.
The first time I thought of suicide was when I was six. My dad had always been abusive to my family, and I really couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes I still get urges to hurt myself, but I know that it isn't worth it. I think it would hurt the people around me too much, and I don't want them to regret my actions. And that's really the truth of it all. I've spent so much time hating myself, and wishing that I was a different person, that if other people don't love me, I will probably just die. All I really want in life is acceptance. But to attain that I need to accept myself first.
To be loved, you must first love yourself. It's a sentence I've heard time and time again. I've never really understood what it meant. I've always thought that the only way I could love myself is that if others loved me first. I mean, why should I waste my time loving someone who can't be loved by others? Or that's what I thought.
Recently I've started seeing someone. And this person is very special. She makes me feel like I belong somewhere. And even though she may not realize it yet, she has made me feel so different. For once in my life, it's not all about me, and I could really care less. Before, I always had to be the center of attention, I felt that if all eyes weren't on me, then I would never be noticed. But she's taught me that I am a worthwhile person. I am someone who deserves to love and be loved. I'm really glad that she came into my life, and even if we only know each other for a short time longer, I will always be eternally in her debt. I just wish that I could show her just as much love as she's shown me. I wish I could make her feel as great as she makes me feel. I know that I probably don't deserve her, but I think that for just right now, it's OK to need her. I love her more then I care to show, and I see her as probably the most caring person I've ever met. And I just want her to know that I truly love her, even though some people beg to differ.
She's given me the gift of self confidence, and self love, and hope that someday, I might be able to repay her. I love you dearly Sam!