• Attention all teenage girls who think they're poets
    just because they figured out that "love' comes from "above"
    and "Pain" feels like "rain"
    Stop it.
    All you do is get my hopes up.
    "Mildly attractive nameless girl tagged you in a Note on Facebook
    titled 'My Soul.'"
    Sweetie, you don't know your soul from the bottom of your feet
    but I bet you know text-talk like the back of your hand
    I. Can't. STAND when I see emoticons in poetry
    (Greater-Than sign, colon, open parenthese)
    and if you spell "Like" "L-I-E-K" feel free to un-friend me
    because otherwise I'll be commenting on your parents' walls
    and telling them where they went wrong
    Don't tell me you just wrote a song
    if you can't sing, play an instrument, or at least write 16 lines.
    Seriously, I've seen a girl say she wrote a "song" that was 5 lines long
    5. That's it. Just 5.
    Ya know what that sounds like to me?
    Now, before you go thinking I'm sexist
    I have a message for my gender too
    Attention all grown-up twelve year olds whose idea of a sex poem
    is cramming as much vulgarity as possible into two minutes
    First of all, your sex poems probably reflect the way you actually have sex
    so let me take a moment and give my greatest sympathy to your girlfriends
    (Yes, girlfriends. These guys are never married.)
    Now, fellas, what on Earth makes you think the words you're using are poetic?
    I could repeat the words for emphasis, but I have CLASS
    Ya know... class, like...
    That thing you probably skipped throughout high school?
    It's shameful.
    I mean... are we on a ship right now?
    Do I look like a sailor to you?
    Does anyone in this room have a Harley and a handlebar mustache?
    Stop it.
    Your target audience is horny teenage boys
    and the truckers that abduct hitchhikers
    I wouldn't spit your poem to a stripper, let alone someone I respect
    You clearly have a couple of lessons to consume
    Wise up, boys, there are ladies in the room
    who have the very same genitals you make a mockery of
    and don't think you're immune by saying "my poem's about love."
    Love is being perfectly willing to wait til marriage, even if you don't.
    And don't tell these poor girls that you'll rock their worlds cuz you wont.
    You're a Black Cat, and they deserve Nuclear Bombs
    And sure, you may be a Little Boy or a Fat man, but that doesn't count
    ...*sigh* They probably didn't even get that joke.... Google it.
    However, it's not all your fault, boys.
    It falls on the ladies, too.
    because you wouldn't make the same mistakes
    if they would just stop having sex with you.
    It seems my generation is worse off than any other has been
    I can't even write anymore. I need an aspirin.