• And here I though that the pain would subside
    With the lowering of his casket,
    With the fading of my scars.
    But no,


    It just went into hibernation,
    Waiting with drowsy excitement for the moment that
    I saw his face in those photographs
    To coax tears from behind my eyes

    How can a smile be so lifeless?

    How can the ocean be so calm
    During a storm?

    To say it’s not my fault
    Would be the worst lie

    For that green that locked
    So heavily onto my blue
    Had never
    Been so dull

    I can almost hear him crying
    From underneath my feet

    Scratching at the wood
    His caving ceiling

    Trying so desperately
    To tell me that he didn’t leave me.
    At least not on purpose

    And nothing will block out that sound.

    Day and night
    He pleads for my understanding
    My forgiveness

    But there is nothing to forgive

    Because maybe I never loved him to begin with.
    Maybe it was an illusion that planted itself in me
    When I saw the sorrow,
    The longing
    In his eyes

    Maybe I just wanted him
    To be happy
    Even if it meant I had to lie

    So I should say I’m sorry
    Please forgive me
    Because I don’t mind you being gone

    Guilt is all that squeezes my lungs
    And regret is what keeps these tears coming