• Insomniac

    Lying there—waiting?
    No, thinking…?
    Or could I be watching,
    As I lie there wide awake in a seemingly endless daze?

    “Could it be a guilty conscience?”
    I wonder restlessly to myself.
    “No, for I have done no wrong—right?”
    Nonetheless, my mind is racing late into the night.

    Could it be fear?
    Perhaps a deep emotional pain?
    A psychological scar, if you will.
    Is it the future?
    Maybe the past?
    The present, even?

    These questions—
    Questions that inflate my mind with torment;
    Questions with answers unknown—
    If any answers at all.

    Questions being pondered
    Hour upon hour
    Night after painstaking, heartbreaking night.
    I lie awake for what seems like forever.

    I become a zombie; chain to the everlasting darkness.
    Chained by the walls of my morbid subconscious—
    Plotting and scheming ingenious exit strategies—
    Yet remaining trapped.
    Remaining my own worst enemy.

    Is it a fear of my nightmarishly horrific, freak shows,
    Almost jokingly called dreams?
    Is it a fear that I may never again awaken?
    Or is it a fear at all?

    Could it simply be the stress of living that is eating me alive?
    “Perhaps an alter ego—
    A nocturnal almost vampire alter ego?”
    I ask myself thinking only of the mirror in which I bear no refection.

    Do I reflect all of life’s evils upon myself?
    Am I an apparition in the dead of night—
    Slowly creeping, almost lurching, yet remaining undetected?
    Is it simply sorrow? Loneliness? Betrayal?

    Is it an illness—
    A defect far beyond repair?
    Or am I just insane.
    Maybe none shall ever know.

    “Maybe I am cursed to live as a creature—
    A misfit; an outcast.
    Cursed to live the night.
    To forever live in silence,
    In hiding.”
    I think to myself as my eyes sink back into my skull leaving blackness.

    Do I look diseased?
    Do I look contagious?
    Do I even look human?
    Am I doomed to be who I am?

    Yes. I am.
    I am doomed to be who I am.
    For I am the one thing with no escape.
    I am a prisoner within myself.

    Is my darker half controlling my life?
    Am I just attempting to escape an inconvenient truth?
    Or am I trying to escape the lies?
    Will I ever realize what I’m running from?

    Or will I forever roam the night—
    Seeking an ending;
    An ending to this torture.
    An ending that will never exist.