Another Tear Stained Page

• Artist: Pit1303
• Description: this is the shorter version, I liked it better.
  i've been having a rough time with feeling inferior and useless recently, so i've been writting alot.
  yes, this is how i'm feeling now.
  constructive critism please?
• Date: 11/24/2008
• Tags: another tear stained page

I open the book
Every drawing,
Every word
Makes my heart sink furthur.
I drop my pencil
Another tear stained page.

Another tear stained page
Another story.
Another time I felt
Like I couldn't do anything

Pencil in hand I write
I let my feelings out
Another tear stained page
Another painful memory
Another bad day.

Broken dreams,
On another tear stained page

Comments

[Pit1303]

alright thanks for the suggestions ^^
I might make it longer if i'm still feeling terrible but for now this is as long as it gets and i'll see about re-writting it but keeping the general idea.
thanks for the feedback though ^^ its really helpful

[tomsdodges]

It's good, however I think you should attempt to make the words flow a little more naturally...

(example if u don't mind) <I open the book; upon another look, every drawing, all the writing seems to be crawling, into a story and another memory.>

just a thought, good luck!

[utterly-smitten]

honestly, this is how I write alot XD.
The reusing of another tear stained page works well, because you don't over use it. The repeating of "another" while it is everywhere adds to the emotion, piling on it one at a time. Personally I think this may be slightly too short, but that's just me.
Over all a good job biggrin