• Happy Lesson is one of the many harem animes that debuted in the early years of 2000. Adapted from the manga by Mutsumi Sasaki, and Shinnosuke Mori, the story follows the life of high school student Chitose. But Chitose isn’t any ordinary high school student. He’s a high school student orphan, as is the case if you want anything awesome to happen to you in anime. Starting high school, he moves into the house his parents left him. But- and here comes the twist! Five-of-the-most-beautiful-female-teachers-at-his-school-decide-to-move-in-with-him. Did I mention all these women want in his pants? Did I mention they make him call them mama? Did I mention that they are [******** insane?

    In the first episode of the OVA, two minutes in and I am angry. Chitose is at the door to leave. All of the beautiful female teachers are there to wish him good luck and see him off to school. Most of them in robes, or underwear. Because, of course, being women they have nothing better to do. They are crazy-obsessed with him. But I’ll come back to the crazy later.

    To give a brief summary, the first half of the episode reveals just how stressful Chitose’s life is because of these five women. At first, this show actually looks like it could be a parody of a harem anime. Because there are so many tenants in the house- his house- he has to sleep on the couch. Just trying to get dressed, he gets harassed, abused, violated and altogether traumatized by his ‘mamas’. All before school starts. To anyone watching this, you feel this character’s pain. His life is terrible. These women are freaks.
    And when Chitose has had enough and tells these women to get out of his house, I rejoiced. Yes! That’s what I would do! This character is realistic! This show is amazing!

    Unfortunately, this feeling doesn’t last long. After all these teachers have left the house, Chitose spends a night all alone again. The house is quiet, and feels empty. He plays video games by himself and he goes to bed alone. For some reason, still on the couch. But Chitose cannot bear any more. He goes back to school and asks his mamas to come back to live with him, and they become a family again. And I showered for hours, but the dirt would not come off.

    The one thing that really separates Happy Lesson from most harem anime is that all the women are crazy bitches. They’re not quirky or particularly interesting. They’re just insane. Each mama is a different brand of crazy b***h though.

    First, there’s violent b***h. Also known as Satsuki Gokajo, the athletics teacher. Chitose comes to class with any black eyes or sore bones? Most likely due to her parenting methods. She carries around a kendo sword in the house for whatever reason, forces him through ridiculous exercise work outs (although she puts her regular students through those as well). Rough night of sleep? Also due to her, because every so often, she pops out of the couch where Chitose sleeps and molests him. While wearing lingerie. I-cannot-make-this-up.

    Demon b***h walks through the house with a real sword. Why? Because she’s a priestess. You know they double as samurais too, right? Demon b***h was dubbed so because every characteristic point in her dialogue brings up spirits, charms, or demons. At this point I think she just makes it up along as she goes. My guess is that demon b***h, after years of working with teenage boys as the school nurse, had a mid-life crisis. She’s not really a priestess, she just likes to pretend to be one. Because it’s wacky, and actually a popular fantasy in anime and manga.

    Scary b***h is actually an alien.

    There are no words.

    Hyper b***h brings to mind the phrase ‘if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and acts like a duck; it’s a duck’. Only replace ‘duck’ with ‘twelve-year-old girl’. Hyper b***h brings home the loli shota fetishes. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, it’s essentially the attraction of younger characters. However, if that was their goal, they screwed up. Loli shota characters are usually cute. Hyper b***h is about as cute as a teenager having a tantrum attack in a parking lot. She doesn’t talk, she screams and shouts for attention. There aren’t really any redeeming qualities about her. Her only hobby is cosplay, and she’s either a giant robot or a school girl. Annoying as all hell, I find myself grinding my teeth whenever she’s onscreen.

    Then there’s just crazy b***h. Crazy b***h is essentially the female protagonist of the mamas, and looks the exact same age as Chitose. To ignite my feminine fury further, crazy b***h likes to dress up in a maid costume and cook all the meals for the family. Because, you know, that’s all a woman’s really good for right? Taking care of the family. Hell, let’s make things even more awkward and toss in the fact that she makes out with Chitose in the final episode. That fact is probably the least surprising, considering everything else this plot (and I use that word tentatively) has thrown out.

    Happy Lesson is just one more title added to the Harem Anime dump that came in the early 2000’s. It’s also another title added to the Feminist’s Assassination list. Why does Happy Lesson anger me so? It could be the mind-numbing storyline, sloppily stitched together just to target as many fan boys’ pants as possible. Or the ridiculous characters that are impossible to understand or even tolerate. It might even be the fact that the first episode started off with a little bit of hope inside me- then tore it away, drowned it and then smacked it around with a magic wand. It could be all those things, but what disgusts me most is the end of Happy Lesson. After Chitose and crazy b***h kiss, the other mamas get jealous. They all pop on wedding dresses and make grabs to molest the poor boy. And I showered for hours, but the dirt would not come off.