• Bill and I were walking the streets by our home. It was dark and we were alone. It felt nice just walking beside him, no words needed to be said; everything was calm. We just kept on walking, every now and then Bill stopped, looking at me. I glanced at him, smiling. We were so alike, sometimes when I looked at him I could almost see myself. So alike – yet so different, I thought.

    As we walked, I watched him from the corner of my eye. His long hair dancing gracefully around his angelic face, his dark eyes directed to the direction we were going. He noticed me watching and turned his head, grinning. I couldn’t help but grin back – his eyes sparkled so beautifully, so alive.

    As we rounded the corner to our house I felt Bill getting nervous, it was that kind of connection we had. I felt his emotions as if they were my own.

    “What is it?” I asked and turned towards him.

    He was looking at our house with a ghostly expression. “You go in,” he said to me. “And I’ll be right there.”

    I observed him, worried. But I nodded, and with a last glance at my brother I stepped inside.

    After closing the door behind me, I threw my jacket on the floor and went to the living room were my mom was sitting curled up in the sofa, a cup of cocoa between her hands. She was watching TV, some old black-and-white movie.

    “Hi, mom,” I said before I started the way up the stairs to my room.

    “Where were you?” she asked.

    “Out with Bill,” I answered. “He says he’ll be right in.” And I closed the door to my room without waiting for my mom to respond.

    I lay down on my bed, exhausted from our walk. And within fifteen minutes I was fast asleep, but I felt Bill come in right before I dozed off – I was glad he didn’t stay outside long enough to catch a cold.

    When I woke the next morning Bill wasn’t there, I checked the clock. The red numbers showed 12.34. Why had I slept that long? I wondered as I quickly got dressed and ran downstairs. In the living room sat Gustav and Georg, they were talking with my mom in hurried whispers.

    “Why hasn’t anyone woke me?” I exclaimed angrily from the doorway.

    The whispers stopped immediately as they all turned towards me. “Good morning, honey,” my mom said in a soft voice. I winched, how dared she call me that in front of my friends?

    “I’m sorry,” she said calmly when she saw my expression. “I sometimes forget how old you are.” Gustav and Georg exchanged looks behind her back. They were probably going to laugh about this later, I thought – annoyed. I ripped open the fridge and made myself a sandwich, all the while I felt their eyes burn in my back.

    “Where is Bill?” I heard my mom say. It sounded like she was getting a cold. I told her she shouldn’t leave the windows open at night, but would she listen?

    “I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Probably in the studio recording something again.”

    I heard a chair being pulled back from the table and I turned around to see my mom leave the room, her hand in front of her mouth. Maybe she had to throw up, I thought. I really had to talk to her about those windows – I shook my head as I sat down with Gustav and Georg. They stared at me.

    “What?” I asked, they didn’t look away.

    “It’s just…” Gustav started, “I don’t know… have you – talked to Bill lately?”

    “Yeah?” I said, raising an eyebrow. “What? Is something wrong?” I took a bit of my toast, swallowing it with some orange juice.

    “No, no.” Georg reassured and I nodded. “But have you noticed something strange about him?”

    I narrowed my eyes at them. Did they believe they knew my own twin brother better than me? When I told them this they shook their heads in unison, apologizing.

    “Great, so let me eat in piece.” I growled and finished my toast.

    The hours ticked by and Bill still wasn’t back from the studio. I started getting bored without him. I fished my phone up from the pockets of my jeans typed Bills number.

    “Hello?” I said. “There you are!” I exclaimed loudly. “Where are you?”

    I didn’t see Georg standing in the door behind me, watching me.

    “You’re recording?” I continued. “Yeah, that’s what I told the guys too… Okay, come home soon, I’m bored of my a**… Bye.” I hung up.

    “Who… who were you talking too?” Georg asked and I jumped five feet in the air.

    “Damn it, Georg!” I yelled; a hand on my heart. “I was talking to Bill. Why’s everyone being so nosy?”

    Georg sighed, looking down with a worried expression on his face.

    “I think he has a new song,” I continued. “I hope he shares his idea with the rest of the band soon.” I dumped down in the sofa, and put my feet carelessly on the table.

    Now I felt Georg sit down beside me, he laid a hand on my shoulder. What the f**k? I looked at him, an eyebrow raised. “Tom,” he said, looking me in the eye. “There is no band anymore.”

    I laughed, “Really?” I said. “And why not if I might ask? Tired of me getting all the ladies?”

    “Tom,” Georg said, his tone not joking. “We haven’t played in over a year.”

    My mouth opened as I stared at him. “What the hell is going on?” I asked, “and why are you saying we haven’t played… we just had a concert!”

    Georg sighed, his brown slightly lined. “There is something we want you to see.” Gustav came in the room; touching my other shoulder.

    “What - ?”

    “Please, just come with us Tom.”

    Hesitantly I went with them, getting in Georg’s car and we drove in silence. I had no idea where we were going but I had a bad sensation in my stomach, there was something about this that felt wrong. And why were we doing this without Bill?

    Suddenly, the car stopped. We sat in silence a while, just staring out at the surroundings outside. After a while I spoke up, “The… cemetery…?

    “Come on, Tom,” Georg said as he unbuckled his belt and went out of the car. I reluctantly followed.

    As we walked though the graveyard I felt something rise in my chest; panic. I had no idea why, but my breathing turned to shallow pants and my heartbeat increased.

    Then Georg turned to me, “Tom. Do you know what date it is today?”

    I thought for a while, “January 15th?”

    “That’s right,” Georg nodded. “Do you know what… year?”

    I looked at him as if he were stupid, what did he think about me? I may be a little behind sometimes, but come on!

    “2008.” I said as I rolled my eyes. But the look Gustav and Georg gave me scared me, I was scared to see that Gustav’s eyes were glistening, and Georg had clenched his teeth.

    “Actually Tom, it’s 2010.”

    I just stared, not knowing if I should laugh or be angry.

    Gustav grabbed my shoulders and slowly turned me around on the spot so that I faced a gray tombstone, a white angel placed on the top. My jaw dropped as I read the name, my knees gave up under me and I hit the cold ground with a hard thud, my eyes never leaving the name carved in the stone.

    “It’s over a year ago, Tom,” Georg said, sitting down beside me, carefully placing a rose underneath the stone. “Don’t you remember?”

    My hand reached out to touch the cold stone. My finger traced the outlines of the golden writing.

    Here lies Bill Kaulitz
    Beloved brother, son, friend and idol
    09.01.1989 – 24.11.2008
    May he rest in peace

    My breath caught in my throat as my finger followed the ‘B’. But… It couldn’t be. I’d talked with him; been with him.

    I continued to trace the name while I checked all the stuff that had been laid on the grave. There were flowers, drawings, pictures, poems and toys. A tear slid down my cheek.

    “Don’t you remember?” Georg asked again. Forcing me to meet his eyes, but I looked through them. It was as if a movie played itself in front of my eyes. It flashed before my eyes and soon I could no longer see Georg.

    I was in my mom’s arms, she was crying; shaking. I stood still, limp in her arms.

    I was sitting in a big room with loads of people. There was music, and the sound of people crying filled the room. In front of me was a large white coffin, flowers cowered both the coffin and the ground before it.

    I was alone in a room. No, wait. Not alone. There was a man, a middle-aged man in a chair. He was writing something down in a notebook as he nodded and talked; I didn’t speak a word.

    We were driving a car. The four of us – driving. Out of nowhere there was a loud shriek; a very bright light blinded me for a second before the car started spinning around. The world went black.

    I was crawling out of the wreckage; my first thought was that I had to check the front seat, I had to do that first. I crawled over and ripped open the door. “Bill?”
    He moved his head slightly towards me, blood running down his temple. “Bill.” I breathed, relieved. “You okay? Can you get out?”
    He shook his head, “I’m stuck,” he whispered. To my horror I saw that his feet were crunched under the dashboard, I panicked. “I’ll get you out, okay?” I unbuckled his seatbelt. He was looking at me with a glassy look.
    “I don’t feel my legs,” he whispered. “I can’t move.”
    “Just try to relax,” I said. What scared me was that he actually seemed to be relaxed, I was the one panicking. “I’ll call the ambulance,” after a few hysterical minutes talking to the way-too-calm-to-be-allowed woman on the hospital, I went back to Bill. He was watching me, blood still running down his temple.
    “Gustav and… “He breathed heavily. “Georg?”
    “They’re fine,” I said, as I glanced over to where they were crawling out of the car. They seemed to be all right, a few scratches and some broken bones maybe, but none as bad as Bill.
    “Good.” He smiled, and his eyes found mine again. “I love you, Tom.”
    “I love you t – what? No, Bill.” I said, grabbing his face, his eyes struggled with keeping in focus. “No, stay with me.”
    He nodded, but his eyes closed. “Tell mom that I love her too, tell everyone…” a raspy breath escaped his lips and he squeezed his eyes in pain.
    “You have to keep awake.” I whispered, tears running down my face. I struggled to find a way to keep him remain conscious. “Sing to me,” I whispered. “Sing to me, Billa. Please.”
    “Sing what?”
    “Whatever you want, just sing to me.”
    And then he sang; his voice raspy but it at least kept him awake. “In mir, wird es langsam kalt” I felt my heart break by that sentence alone; it spoke the truth in a way I didn’t want to admit.
    When he hit the chorus his voice had dropped many levels and I could barely hear him, but the meaning of the words were still strong.
    “Ich will da nicht allein sein. Lass uns gemeinsam. In die Nacht,” he stopped for a second, smiling at me; before he jumped right to the ending of the song; our song. “Du bist alles was ich bin… und alles was durch meine Adern fließt,” his eyes found mine. “Always, Tomi.” His eyes closed and again, and I panicked. But this time; he didn’t open his eyes when I shook him.

    My eyes shot open, I was lying on the ground shaking violently while painful sobs wrecked through my body. I remembered.

    “After the… accident,” Gustav said, looking at me. “You went into yourself; no one could get a word out of you. Not us, not your mom, not even the shrink. We couldn’t make any contact at all. You were just… staring off in to space.”

    My body still shook with sobs, and I could barely get enough air in my lungs.

    “Not until two weeks ago,” Georg continued, staring at the tombstone, “when you suddenly, out of the blue, started acting normal. Like nothing had happened, like no time had passed at all: like the accident never happened.” He shivered. “And you talked with Bill, with someone we couldn’t see. It really upset your mom. All of us.”

    “He’s dead,” I whispered. “My brother is… dead.”

    “Yes,” Gustav said, sounding almost relieved. “I’m sorry, Tom.”

    I raised my head, touching top of Bill’s stone. I tears ran down my face. Gustav and Georg walked off.

    “It’s time to say goodbye.”