• So being bored, and naturally curious, I started playing a game I call "Questions" with my girlfriend over text. The gist of it is essentially taking turns asking unrestricted questions... As the game progresses the perversion of the questions generally increase, and eventually it came down to both of us asking how far one another has gone sexually.

    Me being a much more conservative boyfriend, and enjoying laying in bed with my loved one, rarely tempted by anything beyond the occasional passionate kiss, confessed to reaching second base, or manual sex. However when her turn came around, she told me she had traversed into territory unknown to me. She had grasped hands in unity with someone prior to I and taken the virginity of third base. Right now as I type this, I have this restless feeling inside my chest, as I definitely did not expect this of her, as she is a 4.5 GPA student, generally follows the rules, does not drink, nor will she ever think about drugs. So as this unsullied part of my safety zone was dirtied, I forced myself into telling her what's important is now, for what has been done, is done. The past is not the present, and what matters is us, here, now. She told me she loves me, and I told her I love her as well. The unfortunate part is I do not know how to handle this situation, this feeling, this unexplainable rhapsody of emotion boiling within the depths of my chest. My heart is unease, and I have none to help me talk through this.

    It's a sensitive matter, and I only trust a few individuals with this kinda of knowledge, only because it serves as a coping method for me. I love her with all my soul, body, and mind, and that is exactly why I have this pain. That someone other than I had done something to her makes me feel an intense disappointment in myself, and withers away at the pure image I upheld of my loved one. I need help on how I can diverge this atrocious feeling eating away at me, and how I can help myself unearth this jealousy from within me. I love my girlfriend with all my being, and I cannot stand myself for housing such a disgust for the action, because I know that in truth, I harbor the desire to love her as well, to make her think of only me, to make sure there is no one else who appears in her mind when she think of the word love. I want her to embody me as love- to be her definition of love. I just don't know how I can do this, for the wall I must climb over is infinitely high, and I own no shovel to dig under it. Jealousy, greed, lust, desire, how can I overcome these symptoms towards the one I love, and myself?