Freshman year.. Everything was new to me, I was used to being that elementary girl in school.. I never did feel the essence of being a high school student, it never occurred to me what changes are going to happen. During my elementary days, I've had a few crushes.. But never did fall in love.. I was a kid for crying out loud why would I ever get the sense to fall in love? I played this online game that allows you to be a couple for someone when I started high school.. I finally found the consequences of taking someone seriously.. I really liked the guy I became a couple with.. So what would you expect if he leaves me? Yep.. It hurt and it repeated over and over. I got tired of the game and stopped playing. I never really thought of actually looking at the people around me, the real ones not the virtual people. There was this one guy that for me, stood out of all my classmates. He was as simple as he can be, pretty cute, nice, smart, and pretty playful. For me, we became best friends.. At first, I was content with that, because he gave me something I searched for.. True friendship. But as time went on, we became closer and closer.. And I couldn't have help, fall in love. He was a great guy, people messed with him and called him gay.. I don't believe that..
I decided to tell him what I feel but not personally.. Dad died on March '08.. I didn't go to school since before he died I looked after Dad in the hospital.. Every day, waiting for him to wake up from his, what I believe, endless sleep. I got hope when he woke up a week before his death. We took him home believing that he was fine and all he needed was the comfort of his own home... It was all a lie.. A huge lie. We took Dad home because my brothers and sisters thought we were wasting time and money.. He wasn't going to survive they say. It crushed me knowing that my own brothers and sisters lost hope of Dad still living.. Dad's own sons and daughters.. I was a child from another wife.. A wife whom Dad did not marry. But Dad loved me with all his heart, hoping I was different from his other children.. And I was.. When Dad died, my sister wanted me to continue my studies in America.. I currently live in the Philippines. It was against my heart, leaving each and every one of my friends. So I finally told him how I felt. He never talked to me after that.. And my move to States was canceled.
I tried to continue my life without Dad. And continue it thinking that he'll never come back.. And so will the guy I love which we'll name, Jason. So being a sophomore was great. It made me feel like a high school student. My circle of TRUE friends expanded.. We got separate classes so, I never see him often. But my feelings for him never faded.. It continued to live in my heart, hoping that he'll come back. And he did. We became friends again and I didn't expect anything more than that. I never will.. At least, that's what I thought.
We became Juniors the following year and we got same classes again. We became close friends, teasing each other, being together.. It was all normal. Until rumor got around that he liked me. I didn't believe it. He was showing a few signs. But I was to dense and hurt from the past to notice. So, one night I greeted my cousin then somebody else answered.. Here's how the conversation went on..
Jason: Your cousin says he's too busy,,
Me: Who's this?
Me: So this is a guessing game now?
Jason started putting a status message saying: If I had to choose between loving you and breathing, I'd use my last breathe to say I LOVE YOU..
I was to oblivious to believe it was for me..
Me: Nice status message
Jason: What if I meant to make that my status message because..
Me: Because wat?
Jason: Never mind I'll tell you some other time..
Me: When? When I leave the Philippines?
Jason: That's not till you're 18..
Me: But what if it happens earlier..
Jason:Fine I'll tell you..
(After a few seconds)
Jason: Sorry GTG..
(HE goes offline)
I waited long for him to tell me.. I decided to get it out of him myself..
August 21, 2009.. My classmate told me the reason of the status message..
Jason did like me back..
We talked on chat for a while and I opened up the topic:
Me: So when will you tell em about the thing?
Jason:Why should I tell you when you already know?
Me:Just wanted to hear it from you..
Jason: Just noticed that your Mom is strict..
Me: Will you wait?
Jason: I guess..
It made me sad not knowing if he was actually going to wait or make me look stupid and hope he'll wait.. HE promised he did the following day and it made me feel complete. Like my broken heart got recovered, but for some reason.. It felt like it was just covered up in bandages.. People told me that it might be bandages of lies.. or bandages of love that in time will melt my heart to form a new one to stop it from breaking.. Only time can tell..
So our class field trip came and I did the most stupid thing ever..
I fell down the small mountain at the park.. I sprained my ankle taking away my ability to walk for the day.. I couldn't walk back to the bus then my friend offered to carry me.. He was a guy. I didn't want him to carry me because I was afraid of Jason's reaction.. He carried me because my classmates were also worried about me.. Reaching the bus, the guy held my hand.. Jason saw it..
He never told me that day that he was mad.. He told me two days later..
Jason: Why do you keep doing things that push me away from you when I try to pull myself closer?
I never got the chance to say anything but sorry..
I walked without ever noticing if I was going to bump something or if something was going to bump me.. I never really cared that day.. I went to my classmate's, Annaliza. We went to her room. I was looking at the ceiling and she suddenly said, "Are you crying?".. Tears started rushing through my eyes, down through my cheeks.. I told her everything Jason said.. I was even dedicated to cutting myself that day.. Just to take out how much I hate myself for what I did.. I went home and my cousin talked to me.. He was even madder at me. I didn't reply to his messages, I just starred at the screen.. My heart was falling into pieces.. I was reviewing for the exam the next day when I received a couple of messages from him. Saying he was sorry.. Saying that he's worried.. Saying that he loved me. "I love you.." Those words were, what I believed, the bandages that started putting my heart back together.
We became OK after that. But hearing the song "Before I let you go" always brought me to tears. Whenever they remind me of what happened during the field trip, I would cry and when he asked me "What's wrong" I say "Nothing"..
That's how we went.. I hid every depression, disappointment, and anger from him.. Showing only my smiles, laughs, and happiness.
We were seatmates and I became comfortable with that. I ignored every time my classmates teased us.. When they asked him what he liked about me he just answered " Secret" and blushed.. I hid my face, knowing I was blushing too.. A close friend of mine said "Maybe it's the personal computer, the large property.." They all laughed knowing it was a joke, I laughed too.. Hiding the face that I thought it was true.. But, that doesn't matter. I love him too much now to let him go.. Being in his arms for even just a few seconds meant everything to me. Him holding my hands gives me butterflies.. My heart skips a beat when his name pops up on messenger.. And if you ask me what I like about him.. I'll answer.. "It's every little thing that he does, every little thing he is, and every little thing he did for me,,"
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