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  • Artist Info: User Image<br />
    made by Kyo[warumono] :><br />
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    Twilight<br />
    The first book in this train wreck. Bella moves to a place no one cares about called Forks, which is a primarily Redneck logging town and meets a vampire named Edward Cullen. Somehow, Edward finds Bella's incessant bitching and moaning attractive, so they fall in love during the space of a chapter and a half. After three hundred and something pages of nauseating flirting and Edward's family somehow enjoying their secret vampire identities being in jeopardy, a plot finally falls from the sky; a group of hobo vampires show up and want to suck Bella dry. In the end, the Cullens try to protect Bella, but her mom gets kidnapped by the vampire villain, James, and demands Bella comes to him alone so he can kill her. Bella throws logic out the window, and rather than coming up with a plan, decides it's best to confront James alone, ditching the two friendly vampires who were protecting her in the first place. Blindly obeying the villain's demands results in Bella getting the living snot beaten out of her, breaking her legs and ribs and almost turning into a vampire, but all is well: she heals just in time for Edward to take her to the prom in the epilogue.<br />
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    New Moon<br />
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    OH NOES! EDWARD LEAVES BELLA. Why is never really explained. Oh, wait, he wants to PROTECT her. How Meyer comes up with this shit I'll never know. Afterward, Bella becomes super emo. So emo, in fact, that she doesn't do anything for a while, which makes for a super exciting sequel. Jacob, a Native American who totally wants to RAPE be BFF's with Bella fills in during Edward's absence, fulfilling Bella's need to be a complete attention whore at all times. Bella also has a dream where Jacob becomes a wolf-- WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN?! Eventually Jacob tells her he's a werewolf. A OLD new vampire villain, Victoria shows up and wants Bella dead because the Cullens killed her boyfriend James in the last book. This gives the werewolf tribe a reason to make Bella the center of attention as they try to protect her. The book then takes a page from "Romeo and Juliet" and Bella tries to become a hero but fails hard. Rosalie 'accidentally' tells Edward that Bella is dead, so Edward goes to Italy to become an hero, but he also fails as Alice and Bella stop him just in the nick of time. The Cullens and Volturi debate over whether or not Bella should become a vampire, and Jacob is extremely butthurt now that he's just friends with Bella. Oh yeah, and Edward proposes to Bella.<br />
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    Eclipse<br />
    A love triangle ensues between Edward, Bella, and Jacob. The furfag Jacob is now purposely acting like a douche to all vampires because he's jealous of Edward. It's also here where Bella's primary objective in life is to get sex from Edward, but he wants to wait until marriage. Victoria, the evil vampire bitch from the second book comes back and masses an army of vampires to overkill Bella, probably because of the precedent set by Peter Jackson that the third story in a trilogy should always feature an epic battle. Rather than asking, "Why the fuck should I risk my life and fight an army of vampires for this bitch?", all the werewolves and vampires in Washington join forces to partake in the battle. Before the siege, Jacob considers killing himself if Bella doesn't kiss him. Frenching ensues, and Bella, the cheap harlot, realizes that she loves both Edward and Jacob, because she is completely inept when it comes to making decisions for herself, and Stephenie apparently can't think up a better conflict which would make Bella seem less retarded. Bella eventually decides to go with Edward instead of Jacob because who wants to marry a furry? Conveniently, the vampires and the werewolf pack suffer absolutely no casualties during the battle, deus ex machina much? And ding-dong, the bitch (Victoria) is dead. <br />
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    Breaking Dawn<br />
    Thousands of masochistic fangirls swarmed Yahoo Answers! rabidly defending Meyer's intelligence and denying that Bella gets knocked up after the wedding with Edward's death-defying sperm (living sperm in a body fluid-less guy who's been dead for 90 years.. lol wut?) and gives birth to a demon spawn that tries to kill her from the inside out, drinking her uterus blood and breaking her ribs, spine, and pelvis. Insert Meyer's anti-abortion diatribe here. To save her life Eddy gives Bella a cesarean section with his teeth-- no, I'm not making this shit up. Oh, and this was Edward first time having sex even though HE IS NEARLY AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF and TEH HAWTEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE! <br />
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    Further reminding us she is Mormon beyond belief, Meyer named the baby Renesmee (Mormon tradition often combines two family names to create one fucking retarded nonsense name). And the middle name is Carlie (Carlisle Charlie). Renesmee Carlie Cullen. Proving she is a big fan of pedophiles, Meyer has Jacob "imprint" on baby Nessie (the LochNESS Monster) who will be grown in the span of six years (convenient.) Yes, people: the 16-year-old spurned lover wants to sex it up with the mother's newborn mutant daughter. Now Jacob put past transgressions behind him, and Bella and Edward can go screw each other while Jacob babysits/fucks their daughter. <br />
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    Also, Bella got married to Edward, became a vampire, and the rest of the book was preparing for a battle to protect Nessie from the Evil Vampire Gang, a battle which anti-climatically never happens. The book ends in a magical field of sugar-plum fairies, gumdrop rainbows, and orgasming unicorns with "and then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."     <br />
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    special thanks to Encyclopedia Dramatica.
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