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ready for my cry baby post ?
well here it is.
I have have not wanted to cry all day

but i couldn't hold it in anymore.
my face feeling so hot that my tears felt cold

nope. i just wasn't ready to move in with jacob.

i now know that at least 1 person may be reading this...
with that knowledge i want to try to continue this journal without a filter
i mean, its gaia so we're all pretty anonymous here if we choose to be

but this next thing ur about to read here...
i type and even just think with shame.
its controversial &it can be easily taken out of context
i accept i will be judged by some, for this is kind of a complicated thing for people, mostly mothers to grasp.

i regret not getting an abortion
i regret setting up this imperfect family for this perfect baby

let me go into deeper detail for those who care:
1st things 1st- i love my son and nothing else. ever.
but i hate my life with his dad. (jacob)
i hate the idea of having a broken family
i hate the idea of my son having a broken family
or worse -- growing up with parents who hate each other
i hate the feeling of all this.
i hate this confusion
when i guess it could've been ... solved?
(look, i know im being blunt, im just trying to be frank)
obviously i would take the emotional repercussions of the abortion
and i could only imagine its heavy emotional repercussions
but it wouldn't be as bad as my son having to live this unfair life in this cruel world.

anyway, with this new feeling of regret, I've had a hard time ... coping ?
idk, basically im feeling suicidal as fvck.
I've never regretted anything like this.
comparing anything I've "regretted" to this;
i don't think I've ever even known regret until now.
and honestly, it really, really ******** hurts

doesn't help heal anything either when my abuser/first boyfriend/my sons father tells me that im an idiot for falling for all of his manipulation, forgiving him, taking him back, staying with him even after the first time he choked me (we've ben together for 5 years now) and then tells me to get over it
yes. this really happened. almost word for word. about 4 hours ago.

i do love my son. to me, he's literally the meaning of devotion and love.
i just don't want to see a life where i see his father
i guess to rephrase what i said earlier;
i dont regret keeping my baby..
i regret keeping a baby with my abuser.
obviously a know brainer, i know.. now, i guess.

im weak and even a bad parent for these feelings, im embarrassed
but i have nobody to talk to...
i try to pretend im happy to my family so they don't think im still in this abusive relationship (not physical abuse anymore fyi)

idk how to end this entry but id better end it before i go on forever,
sorry, ill try to keep the me ones in my notes.
definitely burn this one