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I am afraid.
I need to change myself again but it impossible to start out with a clean slate if it is already dirtied by prior perceptions.
if I do truly change, will those people who hate me grow to trust me? or will it just be considered a trick or even go unnoticed by those whom I do this for?
how am I able to make it so that people trust me again if they already believe that I am manipulative and twisted?

if I do gain their trust, what then? will I regress? will I still be bored with their lack of imaginative crosses? will I just find it easier to twist them now that they trust me? or will my dream of being a hero fillaly be realized through support where there once was animosity.

I am afraid that I am going to ruin this exquisite darkness, this ability to see beyond normalcy for nothing because there is no guarantee that me changing will make anybody dive a damn.

I take this eclipsing beauty that makes me special,
that I held so deep
I take it out, skewering it with the sword of change
and for what?
the acceptance of the race I hate?
logically none of this makes scene, the likely scinerio creates a world I do not want and even if i get everything I hope for what will come of it is not known. why the hell do I feel that m actions are so wrong? that everything I've done before bared less of a mental strain? why after a short conversation with my friend and confidant after velius left do I feel that I must no longer manipulate reality to make the world interesting?

if logic is agents me and I am truly doing this to make two humans think of me as less of an inconveniant person why do I still choose do do this?

I will change for them. if i think I will only be drawn away from my choice. let me again be a lamentable being, acting a role that is not me because the real me is hated. let me be damned to a life of boredom to make two people actualy recognize me as their friend. at least I know I won't have to deal with it for too long.