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I fear that I must sober from my pathological excursions this time.
I don't understand what makes me so invested in matters that don't concern me.

her actions and emotions, although radical, are predictable as the tides.
she gets angry or saddened and reverts back to a dainty deity of normalcy in no time.
I, as a fool am dragged into these mood swings every time, knowing full well of the outcome.
she is troubled, I offer to help, I am treated as s**t, she gets over it, and I don't know when she does because she doesn't give a thought for me as she moves on to her next adventure.
I know that this is just a passing phase as always, but I will still offer her myself as I always do and she still takes advantage of me, even when she pushes me away.

I would love to say that I am completely cold hearted, but in the end, I must face the facts. I care for her, she does nothing to help me, but even so, I never want to see her cry again. even if it costs me everything, I will gladly be trampled as she walks farther and farther away from me, than let her stay and dirty herself in her own emotional pit.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

does God have a plan for me? will this lead to something that, actually rewards or helps me? Or is this thinking too humanistic?

in truth, we are not punished or rewarded for our actions, Karma, God's divine plans, predestination? these are man made ideas, don't believe them unless you are truly to weak to see that not all things are even, and not every action has a consequence. I will continue to hold her up, she will continue to pass me by, I will not get what I deserve, she will not get what she deserves, I toil in obscurantism knowing full well, that what I do makes no difference.