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well, today i say....
I am pathetic. Am I real? I spend all day online obsessing over creating a character that is intricate and historically accurate. I spend my nights groaning over the way his relationship is going. Eveytime I post I think 'do they hate me? Am I annoying?' I barely talk to friends in real life. Unless you count arguing and evading getting close. I think im afraid of real relationships. So terribly frightened by the thought of it. I can flirt with just about anyone with ease, but not get closer. I dont want to see them cry. I dont want to be there when they realise how worthless I am and leave me. They'll be disappointed in me. I cant handle that inevitability. Do you know how hard it is to imagine living a domestic life with someone who loves me? How haunting intimate memories are? How strongly I want to live emotionlessly? And yet how I mournfully long to have someone reaffirm my existance? I'm not funny. I am not really smart. I have no qualities to draw people in.

She was on the stairwell, crying. Sobbing out how terrible her abusive relationship was and I stood there to listen. But when I got sight of her face in that dark corner of the castle, torn between love and self preservation, I had the overwhelming urge to kiss her. She was beautiful in that moment. Did I want to console her? Did I find pain attractive?
year later she touched me. She had a beautiful girlfriend-still does. I dont know... Her kisses relax me, she knows almost everything; she knows my lies. When she touched me, I felt fire. But I said no. I turned her down even though I wanted it. I did want it. I refused partially because I wanted her to stay with her girlfriend who is a wonderful influence that showers her with happiness. Just not with me.

Another friend, who stayed at my house a night after a confession while I was in a long distance, attrationless, failing relationship. That kis tasted sweet, the close proximity gave off a high, and I just wanted to hold em all night. but that night was our last. We barely talk. I wish we did... But that person has so many cool 'friends' that I cant compete. I cant buy all those gifts. I cant drive everywhere. Just not with me.

I used that one boy, and inadvertently fool so many more. Am I lesbian? ... Or asexual panromantic? I thought I was a bigendered gay. I... Cant do it. The labels dont matter, its me. Am I too afraid to live? I dont even know how I feel anymore, really.

I dont cut anymore: the scars and moment of realisation arent worth the fear of being found out. But fear is emotion.
i swipe pain medication. But it hurts my best friend so much. It hurts me too.
I dont want friends, I dont want to talk to them. But I desperately want them to know me.. Without knowing me.
i'm afraid, yet I am so ready not to care.
i am so useless, yet I dont want to change.
i want to change, yet I am afraid.

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