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Thoughts of an Orphan
Comedy Book Post 1-2
I have been a member of Gaia for almost two years. In those two years, some crazy stuff has happened online with friends I made. HOMICIDAL NINJA proposed to me that I write down all the funny stuff that has gone on, and turn it into an online book. I have decided to do just that. Updates will, hopefully, be often.

Like a Boss
[POST 1]

A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all, a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting."

A long time ago there was this dude who went by the name of Flyboy. He seemed to be obsessed with me. He was always stalking me, and attempting to make me like him. He attempted many odd stunts to accomplish this goal, which, in the end, proved to be of no success without variation. The most he usually succeeded in doing was merely getting on my nerves, or perhaps providing me with a bit of short-lived entertainment. However, there was one thing he did once that most garishly sticks out in my memory.

The reason this exploit sticks out to me is unclear. Perhaps it was the sheer length of the performance that causes me to think of it so, as it did, indeed, take much time. Conceivably it was the repetitiveness of his words. Whatever the reason, I am writing about it here. I am doubtful, however, that it will make very much of a funny story in the eyes of you, the readers. Nevertheless I feel it belongs in this collection.

Flare, Vamp, and I were in HQ when Flyboy showed up. “Ratt,” he said, “I want you to know that I do things like a boss for you!”

He then proceeded to recite the entire song by Lonely Island, “Like a Boss.” No really—that’s the name of the song.

“I…Talk to to corporate (like a boss), Approve memos (like a boss), Lead a workshop (like a boss), Remember birthdays (like a boss), Direct workflow (like a boss), My own bathroom (like a boss), Micromanage (like a boss),Promote Synergy (like a boss), Hit on Debra (like a boss), Get rejected (like a boss), Swallow sadness (like a boss), Send some faxes (like a boss), Call a sex line (like a boss), Cry deeply (like a boss), Demand a refund (like a boss), Eat a bagel (like a boss), Harrassment lawsuit (like a boss), No promotion (like a boss), Fifth of vodka (like a boss), s**t on Debra's desk (like a boss), Buy a gun (like a boss), In my mouth (like a boss), Oh ******** man I can't ******** do it... s**t!, p***y out (like a boss), Puke on Debra's desk (like a boss), Jump out the window (like a boss), Suck a dude's d**k (like a boss), Score some coke (like a boss), Crash my car (like a boss), Suck my own d**k (like a boss), Eat some chicken strips (like a boss), Chop my balls off (like a boss), Black out in the sewer (like a boss), Meet a giant fish (like a boss), ******** its brains out (like a boss), Turn into a jet (like a boss), Bomb the Russians (like a boss), Crash into the sun (like a boss), Now I'm dead (like a boss).”

However, after Flyboy was finished reciting the song, he then proceeded to sing to me his own version, informing me more ways of how he “is like a boss.”

By the time he finished, he had been singing for over 30 minutes (without exaggeration, I do promise). Vamp had been grumbling about him on and off the entire time.

He ended with, “I do things like a boss for Ratt!”

When he was finally silent, Flare was the one who broke the silence.

“That’s all you do for Ratt?”

Vamp played along and agreed, “You are not doing NEARLY enough, if those are the only things you do for her.”

All Flyboy replied was, “…”

He then proceeded to leave.

The Chat Log Sees All, Knows All, and Reveals All

"Jealousy - that jumble of secret worship and ostensible aversion."

I was a very dumb noob, back when I was one. When I first started going on Gaia—and still today—I spent much of my time in towns.

I believe it was my first day on Gaia (at most it was my second) that I met a nice boy named sernen. He was very shy, and was about 3 or 4 years older than me (or something to that extent).

I quickly developed a crush on him, but I did not wish for anyone else to know of this. A few days after meeting him (and creating an account), I was hanging out with him, Flare, a girl named Haru, a boy named Daichikyo, another girl named Chu, and a dude named naruto_7796, in the Barton where I had met them all in (which is now HQ).

I was enjoying being in sernen’s company when all of a sudden this girl shows up. It turns out that she was simply a friend of sernen’s who was just coming to say hi, but I did not know that at the time.

Sernen and the girl greeted each other with a hug. At that, I automatically assumed that they had feelings for her (when in fact, sernen just likes to hug people).

I was internally and mentally freaking out. “Brb,” I said, and then proceeded to exit HQ and go to a different address.

There was no one else in the Barton I had gone to, so in the chatbar I began typing things like, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO[!!!]”, & “AHHHHHHHHH”, & “WHYYYYYY??!!!?!!!!!!!!!??”, & “WAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” (Keep in mind that two years ago, my maturity level was incredibly and quite painfully low).

I then went back to HQ to rejoin everyone.

I pulled up my chat log, and I saw that it had recorded me screaming all those weird, random things.

I believe I mentioned earlier that I was a rather stupid noob.

I thought that whatever was displayed in my chat log would automatically be displayed in the chat logs of everybody else in the town, and I did NOT want them to see that I had been shouting about that girl in frustration.

(For those of you who are slow, the other people in HQ obviously could not see what I had said about the girl because I hadn’t been in HQ when I had said it)

Not knowing what else to do, I began spamming continuously, like “AKJDFKDJFKALJFIEJ” “AKDSJFAKDJF” “AKDFJAKLDJFIWEJOAQ”.

It got to the point where my spamming was causing everyone else major lag. Flare got so annoyed that he actually reported me for spam.

This further proves my point that I was a dumb noob.

I will update soon. But don’t forget to comment! D< biggrin

~Ratt Kazamata

We’re talking about when we met and you say it was easier to fall for me thinking (I'll remember this pause) it was likely I’d be dead by now.


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