The moment things start going wrong, part of you just wants to give up. What's the point, right? Your mind starts running in circles, wondering if this is as bad as it gets it'll be okay...but what if it gets worse? What if...this is nothing compared to the pain you'll feel later?
Normally I'd tell you to suck it up and persevere because this is your DREAM we're talking about. When you're following your heart, there are bound to be obstacles, but overcoming them is what makes fulfilling your dream so beautiful......right?
I don't know anymore. In fact...I'm not really sure of anything anymore.
It wasn't like I had planned for this. You don't just PLAN for your dreams to fall apart at the seams, it just sorta happens and you're left to pick it all up.
"What if I don't want to pick it up?" My voice sounds so foreign to me. The anger and hatred is odd for me, but it's all I can feel right now. "Maybe this was how it was meant to be -- I get so close to my goal and then it's taken from my grasp and I'm left with nothing."
"You still have me."
I almost didn't recognize her gentle voice. I turned, knife-in-hand, to find my angel standing behind me, tears frozen in her beautiful eyes, unwilling to fall. She stepped towards my shaking hand, attempting to take my knife away. I moved away and turned back around, terrified of her seeing me this broken.
"I know I have you, but without my dream...I'm nothing. I can't...." My voice cracked. This wasn't how it was meant to play out. I wanted to support her, to make all of the sadness and pain she had felt for so long a distant memory...but how can I do that when I can't even hold onto something like this?
"You aren't nothing," she said softly. "You can try again."
"It isn't that simple..." I looked down at the shining blade in my hands and felt tears stinging my eyes. I shook my head as that empty feeling took over another part of my heart. It was becoming hard to breathe....hard to care....
Before what was left of my heart could convince me I was in the wrong, I lunged myself forward and felt the sharp edges penetrate my stomach. Blood trickled out from between my shaking fingers and I gasped at how it felt. It was like a release...I couldn't feel how vacant my body felt. The shell of the girl I once was now felt whole again.
That is...until I heard crying behind me. That was when I realized what I had done.
"Please, baby....don't cry." I tried to comfort her, but it was hard when she kept stepping back when I tried to touch her. All I wanted was to hold her in my arms. Is that so bad?
Suddenly it hit me. She wasn't stepping back....she was just...moving. I could feel a numb sensation start to take over my body, which meant I would pass out soon. I couldn't leave without touching her one last time....
I tried running. She was close enough that I should run into her and the quicker I had her in my arms, the better. So I ran. And ran...and ran...
She was out of my reach. She just stood there crying and I was unable to touch her or to comfort her. I couldn't get to where she was anymore. When I realized this, I fell to my knees and wept. "This wasn't how it was meant to be!" I cried. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."
Then, everything faded to black. To my surprise, it faded back to color a moment later. I blinked and looked around, confused. Then I saw her laying beside me and my heart jumped.
I instantly pulled her sleeping body into my arms and cried. I cried for what seemed like hours before she woke up and held me back. "I love you," I kept saying. "I'm never going to give up...not when I have you."
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~Through My Eyes~
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rainbow_colored_heart
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