I'm just going to let myself type random things out and see where it goes. Might be happy, might be sad. Might be obsessive. Who knows. ... might be about food?
I guess we all meet people in this world. Some good, some bad. Some will inflict you horribly, as we all know, and some may make us change for the better. I know I'm changing. A lot. Before two months ago, I would never throw someone on the floor, jump on them, and smother them with kisses and then some. It wasn't in my nature. I wouldn't even let people touch me without gritting my teeth. I don't like it. Hate it. Can't stand it. It's like they're invading my mind, my heart, my soul; ripping it apart and snuffing out the light I have. Scream, kick, hit, bite, I'd do whatever it took to get them away. Made up lies. "It burns. I'm not allowed. I'm sick." Anything. ANYTHING to get them away.
My first impression of him :: Dear god I'm going to be shot and raped.
I met him by taking his number off of a friend of mines, Jasmen, phone. I've never met this boy, but I have been hearing about him since Freshman year. I was bored, and trapped in school, so I asked for the number, and sent him a text. He was a complete d**k at first, probably because I wouldn't tell him my name no matter what. I wouldn't tell him how I got his number. Didn't plan on it. I was going to harass him for the hour as my entertainment, and then move on. Didn't even save the number. But once he started warming up to me and talking a little more, I started to like him so I did save it and talked with him through out the night.
Then he wanted to meet in person.
The very next day, he pulled up to my house in a piece of s**t car, wearing a black trenchcoat, black biker gloves, and wearing an "I hate the world" expression. I was one small nerve away from running away and screaming like a little girl. The vibe I got off of him scared me, but I figured that if he's been around me all this time, then he couldn't be THAT bad, and that first impressions are generally wrong.
I was glad I stayed.
Took a while, but we warmed up around each other, and after about 2 hours he left. Wasn't bad, and I knew I liked him as a friend. He was cool. ^^ He came over the next day too, so I figured I must have done SOMETHING right. Had more fun that day. He opened up considerably more. I even managed to hug him. The previous day, and that day, he tried to fist pound me, which I refused. Too embarrassed, but he seemed irritated and was basically like, "Fine whatever." so I blurted out, "I'll take something else." Without thinking. He turned around and looked confused. "A hug ..." I couldn't believe I had said that. How immature and retarded yeah? But his face lit up and he opened his arms. Here, my head is screaming, "Dear god run." because of my normal response to touch, but I walked over slowly and hugged him very lightly, but then he squeezed me after a moment and held me tight to him. My head started swimming, and I wanted to throw him backwards, but at the same time my heart fluttered. When he let go I couldn't even look at him because I was so embarrassed, but I knew I wanted to hug him again after a few moments, and nearly squeaked with joy when he asked for another hug not 5 minutes later. He held me tighter this time, and I held back. Hugged for a few minutes. Then he let go. Heart was hyperventilating, mind was swarming with random thoughts and scoldings. He knew he had to go, but he wanted just one more. I didn't know if I'd be able to handle it, but I tried, and my head split less, and my heart fluttered even more. I started thinking things like, he smelled good, and my body perfectly fit in with his. Complete and utter embarrassment clouded my head once he let go. I'd known the guy 2 days! But he left with a half smile. The first smile i'd seen on him. It felt good to see him smile.
It was a while before I saw him in person again, but he never stopped texting me. He would talk about sad, depressing things kind of often, or complain about this and that, and at one point called me at two in the morning, near breaking down, because he had such a horrible night. But I woke myself up and listened to him. I didn't know what to say to make it better. I hadn't been in his situation, but I listened and just that seemed to make him feel better.
We saw each other again one day though. Jasmen who had his number, worked with him and needed to get her cellphone from him because she had forgotten it. She graciously took me with her so I could sneak a peek at him. Of course by this point, I've gone full schoolgirl crush. I keep thinking about him, and wanting to see him again, but I can't ask. Too shy.
When we walked in, however, he paid me no mind at all. He talked to her. Looked at her. Said hello to her. Not even a glance in my direction.
I held strong though, didn't say a word, and didn't let myself appear sad. Clearly I had just thought there was more going on between us then there was. By the end of the visit, though, Jasmen flat out ordered me to hug him, while he was standing near us. I hadn't said a word the whole time we were there, and she knew I wouldn't be able to, so she did what she could to help. I shyly reached over and hugged him, and I got a limp one armed hug back. It hurt in my chest. There was nothing there was it? But after that he stood closer to me even though I went back to where I was, and glanced at me often when he talked to Jasmen. But still ...
Almost right after that, it was time to go, and Jasmen left for the car before me. I lingered a moment, dumb-founded at his sudden change, but then finally moved to leave. He reached over and pat my arm though in a comforting way. He was acknowledging me, and just that small gesture made me feel a bit better. Of course though I had rant about it like nuts.
Later we came back though.
Jasmen decided I needed a soda for the road, and that we'd get it from the same place Chris worked at so I could see him again. This time, he only had eyes for me. Smiled brightly when we came in, a smile that was completely different than the one he gave Jasmen, talked to me, damn near ignored her. Made jokes about jumping over the counter, and when I said, "you shouldn't do that", he said "why not?" I simply replied, "No reason to probably get yourself hurt." and he retorted with, "Sure there is. You're here." And he moved on to other things he needed to do like it was nothing. I held on to that for the rest of the day though. But I was also heavily confused. What was with the bipolar guy?
Later that day though I got a text from him. We were chatting about this and that, and then suddenly he said he wanted to date me, and that he didn't want to scare me away by being too forward. DREAM COME TRUE. I screamed, I danced, I forwarded that to all of my friends I had been telling everything to, but then it all came crashing down. Earlier in the week my mom told me I wasn't allowed to date because, "It wouldn't be fair to him." She believed me to be a heartless girl who would dump him in a week. I knew he was different though. He made my heart soar and I wouldn't even look him in the face because I was afraid I'd end up staring, or afraid he might see everything I was thinking. Telling him I couldn't be with him was the worst thing I've ever had to do. He accepted it, said something things are just too good to be true, and then moved on to other subjects. ...
I tried and tried to convince my mom, but again and again she'd say no. But then one day I managed to get her to warm up to the idea. We were at Golden Corral and what do you know? He's eating at Waffle House next door, so of course we head over to say hi. She liked him. :3 Thought he was a good guy.
About an hour later after everything was said and done, Chris text me asking if he was allowed to be with me now, since my mom had met him. I showed her the text and she laughed and said to ask, "Why do you want to be with me if i wont put out?" He snapped at me,saying, "Is that really all you think I want?" and then said he'd talk to me later, but I wouldn't hear from him for three days. I'd text, but never get responses. My heart felt smashed. Everything was going so well...
He finally text me though, saying I had hurt him and yelled at me for asking that. I kept apologizing, and saying my mom told me to ask it, but he'd only get more angry. "Everytime I open my arms to a woman and let them in I get ******** in the a**." He'd said. Finally though, he calmed down. I wanted to cry. It was making me sick knowing he was angry. And at the same time I was thinking, "Why is he SO mad?"
Things cooled down though, and within hours we were golden again. A few days later, mom was talking about him and instead of calling him Chris, she was saying, "Beck's boyfriend/her boyfriend". She had accepted him. I told him, and he was happy. :3 "Sweet you're my girl now."
It was a really simple relationship ... no hugging unless he asked for it, which was NOT often, no kissing until near the end and only that day, and though it made my heart soar and I knew I wanted to be with him ... it was more like just friends with a few kisses mixed in on one day. He took me out during my lunch hour everyday the last day of school, and he did mostly all of the talking. I was still shy, and couldn't manage to speak up. He talked about his dad, his cars, badmouthed Karea on a daily basis, this and that. Told me I was cute. Just random small things ... by night he'd go off again though. Depression wasn't his friend. He was a lot better since I had first met him, but he was still hurting and dark. But he was smiling now ... small smiles, but smiling.
But then everything fell again. It was a week or two into the relationship, what I refer to as, "Round 1". I actually have a journal entry about this saved in to my computer. I guess that will convey my emotions better than anything.
//// June 3rd, 2010
Smart, sweet, kind, caring, strong, proud, cute, nerdy, funny, comforting ...
"Awesome and I love being around you, just I don't feel that way towards you ... "
I don't hate him, no. I'm not even irritated with him or anything of the sort. I still care about him ... a lot. I want him to come rushing back, and I hate it. Before, every morning I would wake up and remember how lucky I was. I mean, how the hell does someone like me get someone as great as him? But no, now I wake up, and the painful reminder smashes into my face again and again and I want to cry again. I know I've only known him a month or so, but god I fell so hard for him. I was dreaming about him and replaying every memory with him I could over and over just because I loved the euphoria it brought. Just looking at him made my heart stutter; his smile made my heart want to explode! But it's all gone now. His smile has twisted a bit, and now it's just a friendly smile. Looking at him, he turns away and says it makes him want to stab his chest. Before whenever I would look at him, into his eyes, he said it was a deep, deep look that was interesting, and that he liked it. Now I look up at him and he leans over his car, covers his head with his arms, and groans that it makes him want to stab his chest. This is why I avoid looking at his face ... before it was because I knew I wouldn't be able to help but stare and smile, which would be kind of awkward, so I'd look at his shirt, hands, around us, anywhere but his face. Now I wont look because I don't want him to even think about hurting himself, especially because of me.
I guess I have no real right to say that though, considering what happened. I probably hurt him a lot. I blame my mother.
When he broke up with me, he came over and we talked in the kitchen. He wanted to go outside to be alone with me, but we were eating dinner, and I wasn't going to eat outside with bugs ... so he settled for the kitchen. He couldn't speak at first, just opened his mouth every few seconds, and then closed it back. After a while of this, I scoffed, smiled in that totally not happy kind of way, looked at the ground, and said "Oh ... my god." and shook my head. That's when he spilled. He first kept talking about how much fun it is to be around me, and that I'm so funny, and he loves hanging out, and all this other stuff, and then tacked on real quietly, that he just doesn't seem me the way I see him. "I just don't see you that way." He sees me as a good friend he hangs with, and does stupid things with, and all of that ... and that that's how he wants it to be. I haven't touched my food. I was trying desperately to hold back tears, trying not to let them pool in my eyes. I was doing fine, but my mom kept yelling from the living room things like, "Is there something wrong with eating with the rest of us?" and things, and after the third or fourth time she did that, i stomped over, glared at her, mouthed "leave us alone" because I couldn't get sound out, and then moved back to Chris. I never once looked at his face. Not since I had said "Oh my god". I have no idea how he felt about this. I just know his tone was solemn, and kind of quiet, but not quiet at all at the same time. I was afraid that if I looked at his face, I would have cried. Well, my mom comes over, going "What's going on? huh?" And she turns me around to look at my face. "You breaking up with her?" She snaps at him jokingly, and I started crying. They were quiet tears at first, only two or three, but then she just kept talking and talking and i just leaned against the doorway I was standing in, slid to the ground, balled up right there and let go, less than a foot away from him. I wasn't thinking about how that would effect him, I only thought about how pathetic I felt crying in front of him like this, but I couldn't stop, and I couldn't move. My cousin who's staying with us for the week rushed over and hugged me, rubbed my shoulders, but I didn't care. My mom talked to him, but I didn't hear a word of it. I just wanted, want, him to take it back. Just take it back. But he wont. Even though he has kissed me on different days, and got a boner from a hug from me, even though those things happened, I'm just a friend. Even though he has called me at 2 in the morning, needing someone to talk to and had no one else, I'm just a friend. Even though he'd send me texts, saying "I miss u ;_; " and say "God I missed you" whenever I got into his car .... I'm just a friend. Even though his smile would be so big and bright whenever he'd look at me, I'm just a ******** friend ... and that smile is gone.
Mom made me get up after a time, told me to clean up my face, and come back down and be fine if I wanted him to stay. I did so, and I did a pretty good damn job of acting like I was ok. I still sat next to him in the living room when we [finally] ate dinner, [the cold icky steak it was]. I didn't want him to feel awkward if I sat on the other side of the room where the other places to sit were. I would've been fine, we started off sitting with a foot and a half between us, but over time while we watched tv [Jeff Dunham] he had scooted to his normal seating spot from other times we were dating, and then he kept touching my shoulder whenever he'd want to say something about the show, or about something else, and he'd pat my leg when we were goofing off, and he was acting like nothing changed, and it hurt. I wanted him to get back where he was, but at the same time I wanted him closer.
When the movie was over, we went to hang outside, also the same as normal. He talked about army stories, and other things, and something about his "Dad's" [not his real father] niece. The only thing I remember hearing was the story about him getting drunk and that's only because when he finished he goes "you're not even listening are you?" and I repeated the whole story back to him. I still wasn't looking at him, not even once, I just looked down and picked at my shirt the whole time, letting my hair be curtains on either side of my face. When I finished telling back the story, monotone voice, he goes "Oh ... well normally you would have made a couple of jokes or made fun of me by now." I scoffed, looked up a little, but looked at his shirt, and said "Well this isn't normal." and that's when it got quiet for about ten minutes. I don't remember when or how, but we ended up standing by his car, well he was standing by it, and I was leaning against it looking down at my shirt again. I don't remember what he was talking about, but I could tell he was trying to get it normal again, and then something he said made me look up, and right at his face, and at his amazing blue eyes. His smile dropped, eyes widened slightly, and he stepped back, which I thought was odd, and that's when he leans over his car, covers his head with his arms, and groans that it makes him want to stab his chest. I looked back down, and we both didn't say anything for a long time, though I mumbled, "This is why I can't look at you." I don't remember anything after that. I remember him leaving, in the most awkward feeling way possible, and me walking back to my door, but seeing the stupid tennis ball that's been rolling around for a week now. I picked it up and without thinking, angrily chucked it at my mom's car and watched it bounce off loudly and fly off into the street. I looked away fast and rushed into the house. He had to have seen that. Had to.
I came back inside, didn't even bother going into my room, just got on the couch and cried. my cousin kept trying to give me her icecream, but I didn't want it. She got me icecream anyway by the time I went to my room. And then she decided "Oooh let's watch a movie to take your mind off it." She picked Thumbalina. THUMBALINA. A movie about true love between teenagers and s**t! D:< You should have seen me wolf down that icecream. During the movie, which is an hour or two since Chris had left, I sent him a text saying, "I don't want you to go away" and he sent back, "I wont." ... I asked why, and he said, "Because you're my friend, and I don't turn my back on my friends." More crying, no more texting, yay me. He really does just see me as a friend.
Yesterday I tried more texting, trying to act like we never even broke up. At first his responses were short, emotionless, but then they eased out when I started talking about clown soup, and he still teases me like before, he called me freaky, xD it made me smile, because once he told me that the only reason why he teases me so much, is because he likes me. He was calling me freaky pants ... lol... but then the responses got shorter and emotionless again, then the gap in between replies would get bigger and bigger and then I didn't get a reply. When I asked what he had planned for the day, he said just hanging around with his "Dad". I wish he would've responded. I know he could have. I'm being good, and trying to be his friend, because I want to stay close to him and if he thinks of me as a good friend, then I can still be around him a lot. I'm taking what I can get.
Today I'm going to try again and be casual. As far as I know, my family and I are going to Golden Corral, [a buffet], for breakfast, which is next door to where he works. If he works today, I'm going to go say Hi because one of the first things he told me was he gets lonely at work, and loves it when people visit. It made him really happy the first time I said Hi to him. I just can't wait to see him again, and if I cry, I'll think of puppies or something to make it stop. I don't want him to hurt from hurting me, and I don't want to lose him.
Wish me luck." \\
Reading back at that, I feel kind of awkward. Did I really have all that rolling around my head? I must have cared a lot about him, but I don't even remember that level...
After he had broken up with me, I didn't see him again for a week. Mom, my sister and I were shopping at random stores, and went to the wal-mart that my friend, who Chris now lives with worked at. I went to find him to say hi, knowing he was working. I hadn't seen him in over a year and he tackled me and screamed my name. xD I missed him too, but sheesh. Then he told me that Chris was there. I looked around, my heart rushing, thudding, hurting. "Here?" I pointed at the ground. "The Chris?" I couldn't believe it, couldn't look up. I was wide eyed. "Right now? Here?" Nii-san laughed at me. Chris gave him rides home from work all the time. I never knew.
We walked around for a few minutes, me, Nii-san, and a girl I had never met before who was with him, and soon I saw Chris run passed us, skid to a stop, and then spin around with a goofy grin. He looked at me though and his smile went poof for half a second, and then was back. But he ignored me. Talked to them, not me. But he walked next to me, so I was just feeling kind of awkward. He stayed by me the entire time, then eventually tried to make small talk whenever we'd fall behind. Even when the group of us rejoined with my mom at some point, he stayed close. Then my mom was trying out different ax sprays because she knew I liked them, and used Chris as a test board. Sprayed him, then would have me smell him. My heart raced as I slowly leaned over to smell him, and then raced harder as I breathed in the ax mixed in with his own smell. Guess who can't get enough Ax Instinct now? Me.
He didn't seem to mind, acted casual. Ran off with everyone else while I talked to my mom. I thought I was going to explode.
We all walked around more and at one point Chris and I fell waaaay behind and I don't know why. I blurted out though that I was going to rape him because he smelled so good, and he turned around, did a come-on smile, pressed his pelvis against mine, and said, "Oh really?" I thought I was going to die. If this was how it was always going to be, I couldn't handle it. I could NOT handle it.
Everyone then decided that I HAD to come back to the apartment with them. It was 11 o'clock at night, I knew they weren't going to get anywhere with my mom. But they did. Home by 2 am. Everyone was so excited and dragged me off. My brain had yet to process the information. Chris was the driver of course, and there were four of us in total including him. He immediately said though, that I got the front seat. I never found out why, but it made me happy. Nii-san and his friend were goofing off in the back and being loud, but Chris and I were damn near silent the whole time. It wasn't awkward silence, we just had nothing to say. When we got to the apartment, we only stayed for a little bit because then we left to get another person, David. Again, Chris designated me as passenger seater. David got shoved in the back seat with the other two.
When we got back to the apartment again, everyone rushed inside and I stayed behind because it was an unfamiliar place and I didn't want to be the first in there. I walked a foot or two behind Chris and when everyone was inside he suddenly turned around and glomped me, held me really tight, and then grabbed my shoulders and pushed me a step back gently like he had done something wrong. He apologized and started walking again, but then glomped me again, and my head was screaming in agony. I was happy, but I couldn't handle this s**t. He apologized again and headed inside, me tailing in behind, blushing. I didn't say much, didn't do much. Almost avoided him at first and hung around Nii-san but eventually I sat down by Chris while he was on his laptop. After a bit I stood up, talked to Nii-san in the kitchen for a moment, and then came back to where I was and plopped. While I talked to Nii-san, he unbuttoned my shirt to my cleavage and moved it around. He said he wanted to see what Chris would do. So there I am, sitting down next to him, legs totally touching, me leaning over to see his screen, with my cleavage in plain sight.
I felt like such a slut.
But I tried my hardest to not look like I was shy or anything, because I also wanted to know what would happen. Of course I wanted him back still, so whatever it took ... right?
Well I did catch him looking a few times, and at some point we ended up hanging in the kitchen while everyone else was in the livingroom, and he kept looking then too. He told me I was dressed nice that day. I thought it was crazy. What are the odds that the one day I were skinny jeans and a nice shirt would be the day i'd go partying with Chris?
Well we were chatting and stuff, quietly, kind of awkwardly, and then he'd randomly reach for my face with both hands and then suddenly poke my nose. He did that a good couple of times, and I was going to explode. The way he was reaching for my face reminded me of how he kissed me when we were dating. He would hold my face to his ...
Finally, Nii-san came in and banished us to the living room so he could cook. I went and plopped on the couch, and he plopped next to me and then proceeded to put all his weight on me, slouch down, and use my shoulder as a pillow. @_____@ we stayed like that for roughly 10 minutes, mostly in silence before he stood and clasped my hands and pulled me up gently and lead me into his bedroom. He laid down on the bed, and I sat by his feet, my heart screaming with joy, but also terror and confusion at the same time. The light was off, the door shut and locked. It was dark, and I was trying not to hyperventilate. He talked about sad things again ... and eventually sad up and continued ... and then at one point said that he didn't understand what I was doing to him. He said that before, he felt absolutely nothing for me, but that since he had seen me at wal-mart, his heart had been screaming for me. I was excited, but at the same time I couldn't help bu wonder if he just wanted me so he would have someone to care about him. Just the day before he was telling me about how he couldn't stop dreaming about his ex.
He had leaned in to kiss me, and I turned my head away and said no really quietly. I told him I didn't want him to kiss me unless he meant it. When he had broken up with me, he said he could only think of me as a friend. What could have possibly changed? He got angry, said, "See? I'm always making mistakes." and ripped his shoes on. I wrapped my arms around him, tried to get him to stay, apologized, but he yanked away and stormed out. I dropped on the bed, and cried, but no tears came. Nii-san rushed into the room and held me, asking me what happened, but I couldn't talk. I just cried dry tears. After a few moments though, I was suddenly filled with determination. I yanked my shoes on and ran off after him. It was an hour before he was found, but he was found. He stayed in the distance though even though the girl who had found him returned to us. I went to him, but he tried walking away from me.
I yelled at him to stop, and I apologized. All he could say was that he didn't know who to be mad at. Me, or himself. I yelled he shouldn't be mad at anybody. He wouldn't listen to me. He started heading for the apartment, and I thought things were going to be ok, but he got in his car and locked all the doors. I stood in front of the car, dumb-founded. He was being kind of childish now that I think about it.
He dropped his seat back so he could lay down, and I sat on the curb by his car and waited without a word. After a while, he finally came out, but didn't come near me. He leaned against the back tire of his car and sat on the ground. He kept trying to speak, but ended up saying nothing. After a bit, I asked if we could go back in the room. He scoffed and asked why. I felt more comfortable in there.
After a moment he stood and stormed into the apartment without looking at me. I couldn't help but smile a little. He was back.
He got some food, and then went into the room. I followed him in, declining offered food from Nii-san, and closed and locked the door behind me. He ate his food angrily, sitting on the edge of the bed, ignoring me. I sat cross legged on the other side, and tried to talk to him, but he'd keep snapping at me. Eventually I gave up and just sat quietly. After he finished eating, we talked a bit, and I tried to calm him down. At some point he had said that he hated how he could completely see where the rest of the evening was going, and that he knew I would always say no to a kiss, (in my head I was screaming i would definitely let him kiss me, and that I learn from my mistakes), and that he could see us not talking anymore at a later point. I didn't know what to do or say. He had moved further up on the bed though, and was less angry seeming, and in order to seem less awkward, I laid down on the bed, running my fingers through my hair. Of course at the time I didn't think anything of it, but thinking now, he probably thought I was being a slut. He kept talking, trying not to look at me, and then he got quiet.
I started spacing out of course, because I was tired, and suddenly he lunged at me, both his hands firmly gripping my arms, and kissed me hard and quickly, followed by multiple other kisses. He had scared the s**t out of me to be honest. He straddled my waist, kissed down my neck, yanked my shirt to the side and kissed my breasts... and yeah, it was a hot and heavy night. My heart was screaming and my mind completely skidded to a halt and I couldn't form even simple words. When he finally lifted his head and looked at me, he was dark red and grinning with embarrassment. And he continued.
Afterward, I had asked him if this meant we were back together again ... he said, yes. My heart could have exploded with happiness.
From this time Onward, I refer to as "Round 2".
Things were different then from round one. He didn't come to the house, but he was more open, and gooberish. I felt closer to him, and the emotion I felt in the air was deeper. Less like a sweet friendship and more like a relationship.
I don't remember what happened much. e____e Actually I dont remember at all. ********. I just remember that day, Karea coming back to him, and then our break up the day after that; a week after we got back together.
Karea texted me one day begging me to have Chris talked to her for a reason I wont even hint in here, not that I know all the details, and at first I was terrified and angry. She swore she'd never talk to him, and here she was, trying to squeeze her way in. The way I saw it was her and Kyle broke up again, she knows for sure they wont get back together, and now she's saying she needs to talk to Chris and only he could help her. I flat out told her no, wanted to tell her to go ******** herself, but I knew I was being selfish. Who was I to say she would be fine without his help? So I sucked in a deep breath and had him talk to her. I regretted it so much. He went back to being bitter like before, swore that he didn't want her though, and that the call was not for personal stuff and she wasn't lying, but then also told me he was trying to be friends with her. My heart felt smashed. She was his everything for a year. She was his light for a year. I couldn't compare to her and no doubt would lose him to her eventually. Emotions would come swimming back around ...
And what do you know, the next day he breaks up with me.
In the morning he was sending me the oddest texts. He was acting really weird, and I thought I was about to get dumped, but then he put me on a pedestal and talking about how much I've helped him. He said he didn't know what he would have done with himself if I hadn't have sent him that first text that day. I felt better ...
I went to his apartment later that night again, and he was acting weird the whole time. He was still being him, but looked at me less. I tried to ignore it, thinking it was my imagination, but then we went into the room again and he wasn't being him. He then started talking about Karea, I don't remember what was said. All I could think about was how I was getting broken up with again. He again told me it wasn't because there was anything wrong with me, he just wasn't feeling it.
Don't ask me how though ... but we ended up having sex. I handed over my virginity. He told me multiple times to be sure. He kept saying it wouldn't change anything. That he could still decide to break up with me. It wasn't why I wanted to be with him though. I wanted to be with him because I really cared about him, and for some reason I wasn't going to let anything stop me from being with him. It took me two hours to get around to it, but when I finally did, IT HURT LIKE ********. It was like 10 minutes of the worst pain imaginable, and he was sweet and told me it would be ok over and over, but then it seemed like he was an animal after the pain went away to be honest. I didn't feel an ounce of emotion, and he was rough. Wen we had finished, he got up awkwardly near immediately, and went into the bathroom, then came back and told me I should clean myself up while he pulled his pants on, and then left to hang out in the livingroom. I felt broken. I didn't move from the bed at first, just laid there. Weren't you supposed to cuddle after you did something like that .. ? He was such a cuddler too ... it didn't make sense to me. It wasn't at all what I imagined ...
Regardless though, I did not, and still do not, regret it.
When I finally came out, he was on the couch looking all casual, shirt-less, texting. I of course assumed he was telling people we had sex. I recently discovered that wasn't the case at all, and that he didn't tell anyone. My bad. :/ He was talking to Karea, telling her he broke up with me. We had sex, and the first thing he does afterwards is tell his ex he broke up with me. It should have hurt, but I felt so light and bubbly, nothing negative was registering.
He ended up calling her, and they got in a fight. Karea yelled at him saying it wasn't what she wanted, and she sent me texts saying to stop pretending I was fine. But I was fine. At the time. I was stuck smiling. I was good. We weren't even sitting close to each other, but I was fine. Don't ask me how. Finally, I had to go home though, and through the car ride Chris was talking again about how he always makes mistakes and can't do anything right, and all I could think was, "Why wasn't it like in the movies?" Eventually he snapped at me, yelling at me to hate him, and seemed like he was going to cry when I refused to hate him or his life. He hated himself so much...
When we got back to my house, we stayed in the driveway at first, and he ordered me not to act differently at all. To keep texting him random things, stay being me, not to change at all or act differently at all. He told me also, that he thought of me as the awesome cousin you pal around with, and I blurted out, "Congratulations. You ******** your cousin." I have no idea where the sass came from, but it made him laugh a little.
But of course, it was still the end of Round 2. I did as he told though, I didn't act any different. With him.
By the time I had gotten to my room that night, I couldn't feel anything. The bubblyness had wore off, and I wasn't happy, sad, depressed, angry, or anything. Was just blah. Next day, blah. The day after, Blah and my thighs were aching so much I couldn't walk anymore. Next day, hurt more, blah. I bitched people out, randomly went on truth sprees and told my friends what I really thought about them, basically turned into the type of person that says ******** the world, and then the next day I got a call. It was Chris.
To sum it up, he wanted me back.
He was going to let go of his past, stop obsessing over Karea, stop looking at everything that he needed to let go of, and look at me. He said I was everything. I pulled him out of his dark place. I helped him through all the nights he needed someone to talk to. I was always there. He said he loved me, and wanted to see me. Thinking about it now, if I had been someone on the outside, i'd be thinking "bootycall". But it wasn't like that. He just finally opened his eyes.
He wanted to see me, and I needed a shower first. I hadn't even finished getting my hair wet before I dropped to my knees and cried. I cried so hard. My emotions all came flooding at once, but the biggest one that hit me was joy. I was crying with Joy. Hello feelings, and welcome back.
This is Round 3, and is currently still in progress. :3
It was hard to get my mom to forgive him, but I managed. I spend a lot of time at his apartment, and being with him, and I love every moment of it. No, we have not had sex again, and even if we did, it's none of your business. >:3 We're doing so much better this time. It's full blown couple feeling. My new motto since we got back together has been, "Third time's the charm!" and it's proving to be true. I care about him so much, and don't want to lose him. Even my subconscious wanted him. I still can't handle being touched by anyone, but everytime he comes close to me I touch him. Hands, arms, legs, now-a-days I nuzzle or crawl into his lap ... I love touching him. ((Don't be a pervert)). He's becoming my everything, and I guess that's why I'm becoming so scared now. The smallest things and I'm terrified he's meeting someone new. But I'm holding my tongue, even when I found out today that instead of coming over like he said he was, he went to be with Karea instead. The sad thing is, ever since we hung up, I felt sick, like something was horribly wrong, and then 3 and a half hours later I find out he was with HER. I felt even more sick. He assures me though, that nothing happened, and he told me he loved me again to reassure me. I still fill sick ... but i'm not going to dare say he can't talk to her. It isn't right. The sad thing is, I didn't care when we went to the picnic with her. Didn't even think anything was going to happen, but today I feel wrong. I don't know why this is different. If I don't feel better tomorrow, then I'll talk to him about it, but still ... I can't say that I don't want him talker to her. It's wrong on so many levels.
I don't honestly think she would be horrible enough to take him from me, but still. I'm having flashbacks of the end of Round 2... she comes around, next day I'm dumped. I still don't even know why he went with her instead of coming over like he said. He didn't even tell me he wasn't coming ...
Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe I'm not. I don't know.
Ugh ... i'm starting to sound stupid ... I think I should jut stop.
I don't know how this note ended up being a Biography... oh well. I was bored and just wrote a lot.
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