Smart, sweet, kind, caring, strong, proud, cute, nerdy, funny, comforting ...
"Awesome and I love being around you, just I don't feel that way towards you ... "
I don't hate him, no. I'm not even irritated with him or anything of the sort. I still care about him ... a lot. I want him to come rushing back, and I hate it. Before, every morning I would wake up and remember how lucky I was. I mean, how the hell does someone like me get someone as great as him? But no, now I wake up, and the painful reminder smashes into my face again and again and I want to cry again. I know I've only known him a month or so, but god I fell so hard for him. I was dreaming about him and replaying every memory with him I could over and over just because I loved the euphoria it brought. Just looking at him made my heart stutter; his smile made my heart want to explode! But it's all gone now. His smile has twisted a bit, and now it's just a friendly smile. Looking at him, he turns away and says it makes him want to stab his chest. Before whenever I would look at him, into his eyes, he said it was a deep, deep look that was interesting, and that he liked it. Now I look up at him and he leans over his car, covers his head with his arms, and groans that it makes him want to stab his chest. This is why I avoid looking at his face ... before it was because I knew I wouldn't be able to help but stare and smile, which would be kind of awkward, so I'd look at his shirt, hands, around us, anywhere but his face. Now I wont look because I don't want him to even think about hurting himself, especially because of me.
I guess I have no real right to say that though, considering what happened. I probably hurt him a lot. I blame my mother.
When he broke up with me, he came over and we talked in the kitchen. He wanted to go outside to be alone with me, but we were eating dinner, and I wasn't going to eat outside with bugs ... so he settled for the kitchen. He couldn't speak at first, just opened his mouth every few seconds, and then closed it back. After a while of this, I scoffed, smiled in that totally not happy kind of way, looked at the ground, and said "Oh ... my god." and shook my head. That's when he spilled. He first kept talking about how much fun it is to be around me, and that I'm so funny, and he loves hanging out, and all this other stuff, and then tacked on real quietly, that he just doesn't seem me the way I see him. "I just don't see you that way." He sees me as a good friend he hangs with, and does stupid things with, and all of that ... and that that's how he wants it to be. I haven't touched my food. I was trying desperately to hold back tears, trying not to let them pool in my eyes. I was doing fine, but my mom kept yelling from the living room things like, "Is there something wrong with eating with the rest of us?" and things, and after the third or fourth time she did that, i stomped over, glared at her, mouthed "leave us alone" because I couldn't get sound out, and then moved back to Chris. I never once looked at his face. Not since I had said "Oh my god". I have no idea how he felt about this. I just know his tone was solemn, and kind of quiet, but not quiet at all at the same time. I was afraid that if I looked at his face, I would have cried. Well, my mom comes over, going "What's going on? huh?" And she turns me around to look at my face. "You breaking up with her?" She snaps at him jokingly, and I started crying. They were quiet tears at first, only two or three, but then she just kept talking and talking and i just leaned against the doorway I was standing in, slid to the ground, balled up right there and let go, less than a foot away from him. I wasn't thinking about how that would effect him, I only thought about how pathetic I felt crying in front of him like this, but I couldn't stop, and I couldn't move. My cousin who's staying with us for the week rushed over and hugged me, rubbed my shoulders, but I didn't care. My mom talked to him, but I didn't hear a word of it. I just wanted, want, him to take it back. Just take it back. But he wont. Even though he has kissed me on different days, and got a boner from a hug from me, even though those things happened, I'm just a friend. Even though he has called me at 2 in the morning, needing someone to talk to and had no one else, I'm just a friend. Even though he'd send me texts, saying "I miss u ;_; " and say "God I missed you" whenever I got into his car .... I'm just a friend. Even though his smile would be so big and bright whenever he'd look at me, I'm just a ******** friend ... and that smile is gone.
Mom made me get up after a time, told me to clean up my face, and come back down and be fine if I wanted him to stay. I did so, and I did a pretty good damn job of acting like I was ok. I still sat next to him in the living room when we [finally] ate dinner, [the cold icky steak it was]. I didn't want him to feel awkward if I sat on the other side of the room where the other places to sit were. I would've been fine, we started off sitting with a foot and a half between us, but over time while we watched tv [Jeff Dunham] he had scooted to his normal seating spot from other times we were dating, and then he kept touching my shoulder whenever he'd want to say something about the show, or about something else, and he'd pat my leg when we were goofing off, and he was acting like nothing changed, and it hurt. I wanted him to get back where he was, but at the same time I wanted him closer.
When the movie was over, we went to hang outside, also the same as normal. He talked about army stories, and other things, and something about his "Dad's" [not his real father] niece. The only thing I remember hearing was the story about him getting drunk and that's only because when he finished he goes "you're not even listening are you?" and I repeated the whole story back to him. I still wasn't looking at him, not even once, I just looked down and picked at my shirt the whole time, letting my hair be curtains on either side of my face. When I finished telling back the story, monotone voice, he goes "Oh ... well normally you would have made a couple of jokes or made fun of me by now." I scoffed, looked up a little, but looked at his shirt, and said "Well this isn't normal." and that's when it got quiet for about ten minutes. I don't remember when or how, but we ended up standing by his car, well he was standing by it, and I was leaning against it looking down at my shirt again. I don't remember what he was talking about, but I could tell he was trying to get it normal again, and then something he said made me look up, and right at his face, and at his amazing blue eyes. His smile dropped, eyes widened slightly, and he stepped back, which I thought was odd, and that's when he leans over his car, covers his head with his arms, and groans that it makes him want to stab his chest. I looked back down, and we both didn't say anything for a long time, though I mumbled, "This is why I can't look at you." I don't remember anything after that. I remember him leaving, in the most awkward feeling way possible, and me walking back to my door, but seeing the stupid tennis ball that's been rolling around for a week now. I picked it up and without thinking, angrily chucked it at my mom's car and watched it bounce off loudly and fly off into the street. I looked away fast and rushed into the house. He had to have seen that. Had to.
I came back inside, didn't even bother going into my room, just got on the couch and cried. my cousin kept trying to give me her icecream, but I didn't want it. She got me icecream anyway by the time I went to my room. And then she decided "Oooh let's watch a movie to take your mind off it." She picked Thumbalina. THUMBALINA. A movie about true love between teenagers and s**t! D:< You should have seen me wolf down that icecream. During the movie, which is an hour or two since Chris had left, I sent him a text saying, "I don't want you to go away" and he sent back, "I wont." ... I asked why, and he said, "Because you're my friend, and I don't turn my back on my friends." More crying, no more texting, yay me. He really does just see me as a friend.
Yesterday I tried more texting, trying to act like we never even broke up. At first his responses were short, emotionless, but then they eased out when I started talking about clown soup, and he still teases me like before, he called me freaky, xD it made me smile, because once he told me that the only reason why he teases me so much, is because he likes me. He was calling me freaky pants ... lol... but then the responses got shorter and emotionless again, then the gap in between replies would get bigger and bigger and then I didn't get a reply. When I asked what he had planned for the day, he said just hanging around with his "Dad". I wish he would've responded. I know he could have. I'm being good, and trying to be his friend, because I want to stay close to him and if he thinks of me as a good friend, then I can still be around him a lot. I'm taking what I can get.
Today I'm going to try again and be casual. As far as I know, my family and I are going to Golden Corral, [a buffet], for breakfast, which is next door to where he works. If he works today, I'm going to go say Hi because one of the first things he told me was he gets lonely at work, and loves it when people visit. It made him really happy the first time I said Hi to him. I just can't wait to see him again, and if I cry, I'll think of puppies or something to make it stop. I don't want him to hurt from hurting me, and I don't want to lose him.
Wish me luck.
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