Once upon a time there was campy little military base on the edge of town where lived four brave soldiers and their many minions. These four, as well as their many minions, were very egotistical and demanded passerbys create art of them or else perish as spies inside of Pandemon (one of said four)'s torture chambers with severe beatings and lashings unleashed upon them daily.

After more than five hundred spies appeared at their door one day, Pandemon took it upon herself to chain and beat every last one of them by herself, which turned out to be too much labor even for a god and so she wound up ill and with a strained back in bed. She was very unhappy and had to be strapped down in order to prevent her from sticking any who got in her way like a pig. Her son, Zak, seeing his father so poorly decided to try to cheer her up. "Oh father, what can I do for you?" He asked.

"Release me from these bonds, dear son," Pandemon replied.

"But you'll kill me! And you'll probably kill mommy too!" Zak cried.

"She'll kill the whole damn base is what she'll do!" Said Zak's mommy, Lettuce, one of the four braves, "It'll be just like back in China... You know there used to be people there? Not no more, son. Not no more. We shan't let this death god reek her horrible doom upon us today, not in this condition."

"HISSASASSISCORDASISSSSSS" Said Pandemon.

"Oh quiet you," said Bann3d, another brave.

"I have an idea! Let's make porn and then look at it!" said Error, the last of the four braves.

"But we did that yesterday! And the day before! And the day before that!" Said Zak, not entirely for the idea of seeing yet another picture of his father's naked body, nor yaoi between Bann3d and Error and/or his mother.

"Does that ever get old?" Inquired Lettuce.

"Certainly not! Let's make some!" exclaimed Bann3d, and the courageous trio took off for one of the prisoner's artist's rooms to satisfy their carnal desires, leaving Zak and his father alone.

"Don't worry, daddy... I'll find some way to cheer you up, and without causing an unholy apocalypse of death!"



Trying to figure out what would make his daddy happiest, little Zak ran about the base gathering objects that may please his sick father. The first thing he found and brought back were solid stones, which Pandemon glared at for a few minutes.

"These are much too hard!" She said, and so Zak ran back out to find something softer. He found a ring dainty daisies, which he brought back to his father.

"These are much too cold!" She said, and so Zak ran back out to find something warmer. He found a human spy, which he brought back to his father. Pandemon smiled at this.

"This is juuuuuuust right!" She said, her tongue elongating and diving into the throat of the spy, strangling them from the inside and her contracting tongues muscles lapping up the fresh red blood.

"I feel... Refreshed. But I need more," Pandemon said as she retracted her tongue from the now dry corpse, her distant gaze falling onto Zak, "Take me to South America. I know what I must do."

"But daddy-" Zak started. He decided that as long as he followed Lettuce's orders of not letting Pandemon kill everyone on base, he could do just about anything to cheer up his daddy, even taking her to South America with questionable motivation.




Little Zak strapped Pandemon's bed to a dolly and wheeled her aboard a small sailboat set for South America. As they reached the South American coastline, Pandemon began twitching.

"Take me to Tenochtitlan, my son," She hissed.

"Okay," said Zak, and so he wheeled his father into the Aztec capital. Upon arrival, many native people gasped in horror and immediately fell to their knees.

"Untie me here, son." Whispered Pandemon.

"But-but-what'll you do?" Zak whimpered, but sighed and unstrapped his father's right hand when her deathly gaze fell upon him. Pandemon lifted her hat, revealing a zipper stretching between her two horns. She unzipped it, and all hell broke loose as an enormous feathered serpent flew from her gaping head.

"IT IS BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF BLOOD SACRIFICE THAT I HAVE BECOME SO WEAK," Dragemon screeched horribly, "ONLY THE DESTRUCTION OF YOUR BONES AND THE SPILLING OF YOUR BLOOD MAY ABATE MY ANGER AND SATE MY BODY." And so she flew around, crushing people, breathing fire onto them, and eye-lasering them as they ran in a massive orgy of panic, trying to save their loved ones in sad futility.

"Son," said Lettuce, suddenly appearing behind the confused and distraught Zak, "You're grounded."

"Mommy, is daddy actually Quetzalcoatl?" Zak asked.

"Yes she is, son, although we send that dinosaur with feathers here whenever she becomes ill to convince them to make more blood sacrifices in her name, which gives her strength without murdering millions of people and destroying entire highly advanced civilizations," said Lettuce. They watched as Dragemon finished her onslaught by tearing three people apart with one feather, and then flew back into her head.

"I feel much better now. Wheel me home," she said, zipping her head back up and putting her hat back on.

"Once she finishes beating all those spies, she's going to give YOU quite a walloping too, son!" Said Lettuce.

"Ah, shucks!" said Zak, remembering his last beating when his father ripped his a** wide open. Lettuce, his new buttbuddy Rinita, and Pandemon all laughed at Zak's pathetic situation as they all sailed home into the sunset.

THE END.