to all about to read this, look, im not expecting alot of views with this garbage im gonna write and quite honestly if you read all of it you must have alot of time on your hands. this wont make any sense. well, it will but for some reason ill forever see this as something no one will understand as much as i do. i think its dumb.
i dont normally write about things like this but mabye i need to now. mabye i need to expose my thoughts like this to someone. mabye thats will fix me up. i prefer to type it. i tried using a journal to write my thoughts in, didnt work out. the amount of thoughts i have is too fast for the speed of my hand and its ability to write.
i had a very intimate moment with myself. those ones where youre sitting alone in the dark in your room then suddenly your brains like "hey, you know what we havent thought about in a while? how shitty your life is and how youre a FAILURE! razz ". I hate those moments. that moment makes me wanna take out all my thoughts, to tackle them all with my ******** gaia journal and my keyboard.
I AM SO TIRED. so so tired. ive wasted too much time living in a stupid cycle of self hate and wanting to cut myself to peices. sometimes, i feel like when god made me, they just got random peices of meat that were leftover from making people and stuck them together, not giving a ******** how the body that came out would turn to be.
I dont CARE if i have legions of people coming from the right and left of me who wanna ******** my brains out till i just cant take it anymore. i think im ugly, and not a sight for the eyes. ive thought this all my life. and i hate me cause of it. its stupid. I dont care if they wanna ******** me. you know why they wanna ******** me? cause they havent seen the raw me, underneath the makeup and the "beauty" i hide myself behind. i bet if they saw ME, theyd think im a zombie. it sounds corny and superficial, but its what i think so ******** you all.
i hate almost everything about me. i feel like i have a disorder. i hate my eyes, i think theyre too small. my eyebrows are the wrong shape, my nose is too flat, my teeth, for some reason i will never know, i hate. I hate my jaw, its too big and square and bulky and manly, my neck is too short, my shoulders are too broad, too dude like, my theighs are too big my arms have too much meat and have a bulk kinda muscle on them. I have eczema and when i sweat and its hot out, it rears itself as ugly rashes on me. My hair never looks right. im too short. barely 5 feet. i dont know.
i look in a mirror basically everyday and think ``wow this is shitty``. i remember, its not as bad as now, but i used to have these sessions in front of a mirror that would last hours and hours where id just STAND there and id wonder ``okay, what about me looks shitty and how can i get rid of it.``
i remember one day when i was like 10 or something a boy in my class said to me ``youd look like a boy if you cut your hair short``. he just looked over at me and said that. it only SEEMED like a small remark, and i only made it seem like it didnt hurt. it did. and it stuck to me, it clung to me to this day. and i think hes right.
that began my first session of me looking in the mirror and having a session of just staring at myself. it made me wonder for the first time `` what about me looks shitty. what makes me look like a boy. what is it. i have to get rid of it. im a girl. im supposed to be pretty.``
i decided it was my eyebrows and how they look all natural, ungroomed. i tweezed the ******** outta them. i ended up taking all of my brow out. my parents saw, they laughed. i felt stupid. my mom filled it in with pencil, and yes i had DRAWN IN EYEBROWS for a bit. funny, huh. and a few days later we had picture day so YAY.
Ive always had this ideal of beauty that i built like a wall in my mind. i hung around girls that werre my ideal of it. i had this one friend i knew since i was like ten or so as well. she was my idea of perfect. she was tall, and slim and had a graceful, ballerina-esque build, long hair and a genetically blessed face. no zits, cute face. id have my mirror sessions and invision her next to me. she was perfect, i wasnt. i wanted to be like her. people liked her more than they liked me. she was bubbly and happy. i wasnt. i was quiet and scared of saying something stupid in front of people i thought were ``popular`` and ``cool``. afraid that anything i did would be a ******** up.
because of that i didnt have much friends in junior high and elementary. i felt like an outcast, unwanted, so on top of being ``ugly`` i didnt have any friends because of my reversed concept i made. it was funny. i thought no one would like me for anything i said. and i end up not talking at all and no one likes me that way, too. reverse psychology.
and so alot of my low self esteem was built upon being surrounded by happy, beautiful people who seemed perfect. wanting to be something i would never be.
i developed a cutting habit. YES, ME. for a while. i wasnt even depressed, its just that i had moments where id feel depressed for a few hours and have no ways to get out the pain. i didnt wanna cry, i was too brought up by dad to be a ``tough girl`` to cry. i didnt want anyone to see me. if i threw a tantrum id seem completely irrational and just psycho cause i felt no one would understand the pit i was buried in, i had no friends to talk to. so i did that, i guess for a few months. i have scars now. i kept doing that for a while, until my friend saw it and told a councellor at school i was slitting. so i went to her and because i didnt want anyone to see anything anymore, i stopped.
but the thing is ive developed a habit of cutting things when im mad. does that sound funny. god. it just wouldnt be on my skin. it was what would turn out to be my HAIR. it was so ******** stupid, i could cut paper, i could cut carboard, but no i wanted to cut my hair. at this point i didnt care. ``im ugly anyways. if it looks bad, i dont give a ********.`` i
the result came out as choppy layers everywhere and spikes coming outta my head from every direction. i actually LIKED it, and some other people did too. id gel it and feel good, actually.
so to all who were determined enough to read it this far, you now know the story behind my unisex hairstyle and how it came to be. it wasnt merely just for a change from long hair. oh no.
but my mom didnt like it, and one day she said I LOOK LIKE A BOY WITH SHORT HAIR. the one thing ive tried for years not to look like. the one thing i was horrified to a pulp of looking like. so that killed my budding confidence.
those words just stuck to me like nothing else. it made me feel sick and twisted my stomach into knots, it killed me and made me cry and make me hate why i was born the way i was. sometimes i just wanted to reverse my birth and crawl back into a v****a and just reverse me all till i was nothing anymore. id CRY myself to sleep and smother my face in red lipstick and eyeliner to hide myself and what i was ashamed of.
no one will ever understand my self hate i had. i hated myself. i wanted to just die. all my happiness revolved around how i looked.
and when i was 14 my friends uncle attempted to basically rape me. i was over at her house and i was on the computer there and she left. suddenly, i feel this old excuse for a man put his hands on me and feel me up.
he flips the chair around so im facing him and he basically feels me up while kissing me and he mumbles somehting into my ear i couldnt hear. he picks me up, and carries me upstairs to a room and for a while, i was too frozen with thinking WTF to do anything. he took off my shirt. but when we got into that room, i wriggled myself outta his arms and kicked him in the nuts and ran away from her house all the way to mine, putting my shirt back on.
she chased me down and asked why i left. i told her about her ******** up uncle. she told me not to say anything..
so i didnt.
until a year later, where in a sexed class my teacher said ``if anyone touches you in any way that makes you feel violated, tell someone. it doesnt matter when it happened and if they just stroked you in a spot you didnt want them to. especially for you guys, youre like 14 and 13 and stuff.``
so i told, and s**t went down with cops, parents, councellors, and investigators. they told my parents everything i told to them, and of course, my parents were shocked. they investigators said theyd ``investigate this man`` and did a whole buncha s**t i was unsure of.
one day my mom said to me ``did you REALLY have to tell them about all this.``
there was alot of drama going on with what ive brought to surface. and that just made me stop and think okay, well this guy is a *****. no doubt. but he didnt impregnate me or gimme crabs or s**t.it was nothing too serious. but he could be doing this to other girls. but...
what if he isnt.
what if no one cares
what if im just being a really big baby.
and so i had this nagging feeling in my mind that this was the case. that i was just an idiot, and a big baby. even though i had reoccuring nightmares about that thing.
sometimes, id have nightmares about him at night and not go back to sleep in fear it would continue. id wake up the next morning pissed off and living on coffee.