Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals


View User's Journal

Subscribe to this Journal
Melissa's Diary Just saying

Community Member
Ok so things have been really rough. The guy I was living with. We met when I was 13 online. We finally moved in together. They day we moved intogether was the day I met him. It was all great in the beginning. I was willing to work for a better relationship but he just didn't care...he didn't understand. But I wanted to make it work. And eventually I realized that I can't force it to work...and It just wouldn't. I helped him with everything. I was the one who helped him get his GED. Get his liscences. Get his first job. I was supporting him for the first few months. I was the one who mended his relationship with his father. I was the one who taught him how to brush his teeth regularly and bath regularly. I was more of his mother than his girlfriend. Eventually I quit my job. He really really suggested that I do so because I worked for my parents and the whole thing was a s**t hole. My family would mix our personal relationship with our professional relationship. I was always frustrated and working my a** off for people that just took advatage of me. It was great for a while. My (ex)boyfriend was working and I wasn't and we were there with our puppy in the apt. I was beginning to get frustrated because he always did a shitty job of appreciating the things I did for him. I had to tell him to thank me when I cooked for him. Or to say something when I cleaned the apt. He never said anything. I would even dress sexy for him and he would just go to sleep. I started spending my night crying myself to sleep. And he wouldn't even be there for me. We would be sleeping right next to each other and he would just sleep through it. So I started trying to talk to him about it....and he wouldn't even remember what I said the next day. Our sex life was s**t. He wasn't romantic. There wasn't any sparks...nothing. I was trying to make him happy but he didn't appreciate it. I was constantly frustrated. and I became a total b***h to him. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I was patient. I was kind. And he just didn't care. So I was pissed at him for being like that to me. We fought everyday. And him being the really not smart person he is just didn't understand. Eventually we broke up and I started staying with my parents. And then after my welcome there wore out I started staying with my friend sarah. He was paying for the apt and my sweet dog was staying out side with a bunch of other dogs. This was really bad because she is really really attached to me and she had never slept outside. And she has really sensitive skin too. She started getting blisters under her legs and on her tummy. She has scabs everywhere. All the dogs wouldn't let her sleep in the garage so she had to sleep by herself....and it just killed me. He wouldn't let her stay at the apt. He said he loved her but he just didn't want to have to worry about her making a mess. Like chewing on things. So I was just like ok whatever. Then I would call him and text him and he would just not message back or awnser my calls or call me back. It was important because I wanted to talk to him about what we were going to do about him going back to florida (I live in oklahoma) and about me getting a job and when he was going to put his two weeks in and stuff. But he just wouldn't awnser me. Then finally he did and he just said he already did everything. That just pissed me off major because I didn't have a job and he would just leave me with nothing. No job and no money. Ohh I forgot to mention that I would NEVER use his money. I always tried my hardest to save money and ANY time I ever used any money I asked him first. And he was driving my car and UGH and they blinker lights on the front of the car fell out and he said he would tape them up but he didn't and he would just drive with them hanging on the cords and now they both are broken and I had to pay 100 dollars to get them fixed (which was my birhtday money).When we first broke up I met this guy named Eric. I met him here on gaia actually. He lives in Brazil. I am just crazy about him. He is really sweet. He just has soooo much love in him. He is really really sexy. He is hard working. I normally get with guys that are fixer upers but Eric is different. I have never dated someone so sexy either! But anyways so I am staying at my best friend sarah's and she has a cousin named Zach. He is really cute. He is two years younger than I. But I was totally in love with Eric (I still am) So zach was just a guy that I considered as a good friend. The three of us spent almost every night together just talking and watching tv. It was pretty awesome. I tell them about Eric but they all don't believe in internet relationships and just ignore me and try to get me to go with other guys that are here. But I tell them that I LOVE eric and I want to meet him and make sure this is real. Umm so I was going on a vacation to the Bahamas. My nana and papa paid for it. It was a family vacations. I had to go by the apt to get pack my bags and I was talking to Adam. (my ex) I was trying to be calm and nice to him. And he just startes tell me that he has been talking to my parents all the time and that they think he should ******** me over and just leave me with nothing because I need to be taught a lesson. I need to grow up. Then He tells me I am bipolar and I am a b***h. T.T I just leave and bawl. Because it's just too much. My parents saying that and him being a jerk to me. They are all so ungrateful. So then I go to the bahamas and have fun till the end when my parents talk to me about adam. I acted like nothing happened.....like I knew nothing....but I was soo upset inside. They told me I should have respect for him and that I should end this on good terms. (Which by the way I was already trying to do) When I got back I was happy because I was ready to talk to Eric. But He didn't show up. He works three jobs and he is always busy. But he stood me up that night. And I was just tired. I have spent more time waiting for him than actually talking to him. So I was venting to his sister about it and she suggested that I should just chill out and let him show me how much he loves me. That I should be up waiting for him. He should get on when he says he will and he should look at the pictures I take for him or the videos I make for him or read the letters I write him. And I should break up with him and let him work for the relationship. So I planned on doing that but he never got on...not for days. And so I went out with a guy friend Cody. We went to the movies and then went to his best friends house, James. We had a great night eating lasagna and watch UFC. On the way back cody got talked to me and told me he liked me back in high school and was just super sweet to me. We are pretty close and completely open with each other as friends. And I told him that I had serious problems with my confidence. I feel like I am really ugly. He told me I was beautiful and I should never feel that way. Then that night I slept in the same bed with Zach. We didn't do anything but it was the first time I slept in bed with a guy who wasn't my boyfriend and who was cute so I was freaking. And I wasn't thinking about Eric. I was just trying to have fun and not be sad like I was all the time waiting for him....(haha I am waiting for him right now...2 hours late and I even got ready. I did my hair and everything sad ) (Side note: my little brother who is two years younger than I just got home and he walked in and said after I get out of the shower can I get on and I said no I am waiting for someone and he said it's not fair you have been on all day and I said No I haven't and then he was like well you had the chance and I said no I am waiting for someone and he said you don't even live here. I just can't believe he would talk to me like that. He is a douche bag. He had a chance to do it all day too. But he decided to go out all day and do other things. He is a serious brat and completely selfish) But anyways So then I started sleeping in the same bed with zach every night and I started to like him. I have a bad habbit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and I get attached wayy to easily. So I told Sarah my best friend that I really really wanted him to cuddle me...and zach is like her son....so they are really close and sarah and I are really close. So she told zach to cuddle me. I didn't know she did. And that night I remember waking up and his arm was stretched out to me and I layed my head on his chest and cuddled up on him. and then He rolled over and I rolled away from him and he spooned me. I was soo excited that I couldn't sleep and the next morning I told sarah about it. Then she told me that she told him haha. That night we went to a scary place called night mare and I was holding on to him the entire time and was wanted me to. He really seemed like he liked me. But he has a really rough life. His father is in jail and his mother only calls him when she needs money. And the girl he loved she used him and had sex with him then just stopped talking to him and then acts like she never even talked to him (and now that whore is with my brother...I tried to tell him but he believes her over what I say so whatever...they are perfect for each other) So he has become this cold hearted monster to girls that he doesn't know. He has used a couple girls...it's just so sad because he is such a nice and great guy and he was such a sweet and commited guy and now he is just such a jerk. He knows how to treat a girl like s**t. So after that night I realized that I was really beginning to like him and I knew he wouldn't like me back and it was best for me to get out of the situation so I slept at the apt. And Adam told me he missed me and when I was sleeping kept trying to feel me up and I kept telling him NO I don't want to. I don't want to be with you and I don't want to do stuff with you. So then I was just like ******** everything. I don't want to be with zach because he will just break my heart and Adam can just ******** off the way he is a total douche and then wants some a**....its just rediculious! and I talked to Eric and his sister told him how I felt and he was just broken. He said he loved me and that he needed me in his life. That he had been working like hell and that he is scared because he has been with a girl online before and he really loved her and when he went to visit her found her ******** another guy. I have never ever cheated on a guy in my life and I felt that what I had done was wrong. So I told him about Zach and Cody. And Eric was pissed but he told me not to do it again. So I told him I wouldn't. So my birthday was coming up. Eric and I were talking everynight and everything was great. Something you should know is that I have spent most of my life being a good girl. Never drinking, waiting for sex till marriage, and never smoking. (Ohh Adam was the one I lost my virginity too and he couldn't get it up...I guess he has a little bit of erectile disfunction because even after that when we had sex he either couldn't get it up or cam with in two minutes) So I had never really had sex. I went on Sat to a good friends of mine...to her apt and we were having a little birthday party for me. There was drinking and stuff and it was fun and they invited her fiance's brother and his friend and his friend's girlfriend. And so we all got drunk and I am very light weight so I was tipsy before everyone else and I was just having fun and zachary and sarah were just waisted. And I have never seen either of them like that. I began to get out of being tipsy but my head was still not completely straight. Zachary was spilling his drink all ove himself and hitting on the other guys girlfriend. He was just making an a** of himself so I was getting him to get away from her and try to settle down and go to sleep. He went to the bathroom and he never came back and sarah told me to check on him. So I went in and I was like zach are you ok. He was laying on the ground and he mumbled I feel so sick what is wrong with me. I just felt horrible. Like it was my fault so I rubbed his tummy and helped him to lay down on the palet on the ground. And I sarah started throwing up so I went and cleaned up her mess and then tied back her hair and gave her my jacked because she threw up all over herself and then I got her a bag and let her sleep on the couch. And I went and layed down with zach and i was trying to get him to feel better and then he lowered his face and put his lips against mine. The last time I had just had anything with a guy that wasn't my serious boyfriend....it had been like 5 years. I hadn't had any crushes or anything. Just went from one serious relationship to another. So I was just caught up in this kiss. and then he started touching my chest and then he started kissing my neck and I was just giggling...I'm not exactly sure why. Probibly because I was loving the attention. But I knew he was drunk and when He started pulling at my pants I was telling him no. It was wrong he was drunk. And I kept trying to move his hands away but he is really strong. (he wrestles and he also fights) So he just threw my hands a way and yanked my pants off and I just melted. I just gave in. and we had sex.....and the next morning he wouldn't talk to me about it. He just acted like nothing happened. I went and cried after we were done. I knew he wouldn't care about anything. I knew he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me and I knew he probibly wasn't going to remember anything and that this wouldn't mean much to him and I knew that it was all a mistake...and to top it off he was really big and it was not something that was easy to handle...he was hard to handle and it was all over whelming for a guy who doesn't care to be gentle. T.T and I was sooo scared to talk to him about it. and so I eventually did because he never talked to me. and when I asked him he said he couldn't remember mostly everything but he remembers kissing on me and he thought we had sex. That he felt like a jerk and he wish that we never had done that because he really respects me as a friend and he didn't want to mess that up. and to top it off all my friends just acted like it wasn't a big deal. They were like this happens all the time. I said NO not for me!! I don't do this and you guys don't do this! It's not me at all! and I felt horrible. I felt like a whore...I felt filty and used! It was so horrible. and zach was just being....well whatever. I want to say he was being a d**k but he was being honest and he did open up to me after I talked to him. So now I don't go over there anymore and I am at the apt by myself and Eric doesn't get on....ugh. Ohh yeah...and I had to tell Eric about it. And you know Eric hasn't had a girlfriend that didn't cheat on him or use him. I don't want to be that girl either! and I can't believe that the one time I cheat on my boyfriend that it is with him. He was just devastated....and really upset. That just broke my heart. But he didn't call me anything and he wasn't a d**k to me and he said that he loved me and that he wanted me in his life and he wanted to work on this. And at that moment I realized how serious we were. I thought that I was in love with him but he just didn't really care too much about me. And now we are working to a better relationship. I finally got a phone so I can talk to him when he gets on too. And not to mention he saw me on web cam for the first time a few days ago....he said he thought I was beautiful and he loved my smile! It was just fantastic. I am feeling that there is hope in the world and that I am just going to have to work at a better life...and happier life and a happier me! heart

Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum