I'm struggling and I'm trying my best to find closure. I definitely don't think about you as much anymore but sometimes you just float into my thoughts. I see something that reminded me of our time together. Theres this emptiness in a room that you once filled. It's been years already and time has only shrunk that feeling. A decade from now, I wonder if your absence will still wander my brain.
You were torn from my life so violently; I thought that we'd had more time together. I thought I'd be able to see from a distance how our lives would end up. I thought that I could always glance over my shoulder and see that you're okay. I often wonder if you despise me, if you hate me. I've always wanted to ask you that. I'd imagine your responses would be either: yes or I don't care. Instead I'm left wondering because I'll never know the answer; because you're not here anymore.
I know I definitely hated you at some point. That there was rage inside me that burned a great forest and smoldered on; only now to have the ashes and smoke remaining. Rain has definitely fallen on that forest weeping away all the anger I had. After all anger is that third step of grief. I'm writing this I suppose because I've come to accept it; that you're gone for good.
I guess this is goodbye, at least until you emerge from my subconscious thought into my conscious ones again. I wonder how many times do I have to say goodbye to these thoughts of you. Thank you for visiting me.
Until Next Time,
Anika Anna M
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I've been writing in this since I was thirteen in 2007. I still am writing in it, and it will probably be my legacy till the day I die. (Don't start reading from the beginning as my writing was atrocious then.)
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