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Alrighty, well now I'm going to do a big update on my life and I'll start in reverse cronological order. Odds are I won't get this done before my time on the computer is up, but then I'll just edit it later.

Well today has been a real mindf*ck for me in a huge way. I had a dream I was back together with Roni again and we were at Zeller's it seemed real and I was happy with her again. Then when I woke up she phoned me, telling me how much she misses me and that she still loves me. She is still with Jaxon though and they're having sex and are happy with each other, although some things are bad between them but I won't talk about that since I don't know who's going to read this and who isn't. Still her talking to me like that it ripped my heart out all over again. I feel like crying but I'm at the library and I do need to deal with this stuff eventually. I do still love her more than anything else in life, but I need to get past that and move on with my life. I don't know if I could be happy with her again, not after what has happened. The sad thing is, is that I really do want to take her back, I miss being happy so much. Still I'd know that she had sex with someone else, that she choose someone else over me, and she'd still be my one and only, and that would make me feel cheated. I don't know, I still have a lot of thinking to do about what I want to do with my life, if only I could get far away from here, far away from everything that is in my past, right now I think that is what I need to do. Save up and take a trip to Japan and maybe live there. Vancouver isn't filled with as much hope as it used to be for me, I think that maybe Japan would be better for me, get back in touch with my heritage and my roots, maybe find a nice Japanese girl and settle down. Though I haven't liked Asian girls in the past I think I might have to change what I like, since it obviously hasn't been the right things so far, I've only ever been hurt in romance so perhaps a drastic change in what I'm attracted to is needed badly. Who knows, everytime I start to get my head straightened out it seems something happens to knock me for a loop again. Heh, I've actually been thinking about doing Seppuku lately or something else to end my life just to get over everything, but I don't think that is the right choice for me either. I know that I don't want to die, not yet.

okay so here's the huge update I said I would do today. I'm going to do it in reverse chronological order starting with today.

Well today has been a real mindf*ck for me in a huge way. I had a dream I was back together with Roni again and we were at Zeller's it seemed real and I was happy with her again. Then when I woke up she phoned me, telling me how much she misses me and that she still loves me. She is still with Jaxon though and they're having sex and are happy with each other, although some things are bad between them but I won't talk about that since I don't know who's going to read this and who isn't. Still her talking to me like that it ripped my heart out all over again. I feel like crying but I'm at the library and I do need to deal with this stuff eventually. I do still love her more than anything else in life, but I need to get past that and move on with my life. I don't know if I could be happy with her again, not after what has happened. The sad thing is, is that I really do want to take her back, I miss being happy so much. Still I'd know that she had sex with someone else, that she choose someone else over me, and she'd still be my one and only, and that would make me feel cheated. I don't know, I still have a lot of thinking to do about what I want to do with my life, if only I could get far away from here, far away from everything that is in my past, right now I think that is what I need to do. Save up and take a trip to Japan and maybe live there. Vancouver isn't filled with as much hope as it used to be for me, I think that maybe Japan would be better for me, get back in touch with my heritage and my roots, maybe find a nice Japanese girl and settle down. Though I haven't liked Asian girls in the past I think I might have to change what I like, since it obviously hasn't been the right things so far, I've only ever been hurt in romance so perhaps a drastic change in what I'm attracted to is needed badly. Who knows, everytime I start to get my head straightened out it seems something happens to knock me for a loop again. Heh, I've actually been thinking about doing Sepukku lately or something else to end my life just to get over everything, but I don't think that is the right choice for me either. I know that I don't want to die, not yet.

Well yesterday I was very dissapointed in myself, I did some thinking because the night before I got really wasted and went off about Roni and Jaxon, which I had thought I was finally over. I thought I knew my limits and I thought I had more self control so I felt really let down by myself for what I did. I did a lot of walking yesterday so I could think, and I asked myself if this was it, if this is all I'm going to do with my life? Was Roni right when she told me that I would never do anything with my life? Am I just going to be a drunken townie and never ever leave or do anything important with my life? I feel like I could do something, I could make something of myself, but at the same time I feel like I'm living in the wrong era, I feel like I should have been born centuries ago, back in Japan, where I could have been a warrior a samurai. This age, it just seems to leave me behind, like everything else does. I feel so lost and confused right now nothing seems clear at all. Well yeah, that was basically yesterday, I felt lost and confused, a little less than I do today, but I resolved to once again stop drinking, I don't need another demon inside me and one that seems like it helps me. Other than that I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life, I don't even know if I want it to go on anymore, but I know that I don't want to take my life intentionally, I want to die doing something, even if it's something so menial as trying to learn how to street race, I want people at least a few to remember me and that I did try to do something with my life before it ended.

The day before yesterday, I felt really proud of myself. I was at work and I was thinking about how Roni used to be, how her face lit up at just seeing me, that she loved me and how innocent she used to be. I feel that I need that again, someone that the love seems truly pure with, but I realized that it wasn't with her anymore and that actually felt good realizing that, it felt like a door closed and the pain was less. I also realized that, it is probably the reason I was falling for her friend Steph, she reminded me of how Roni used to be, she smiled when she saw me, and she even blushed a few times. Still apparently she was lying to me a lot according to Roni, and she wasn't nearly as innocent as she seemed to be for me. That is why I made my blog about aspects on my old account. Still yesterday was a good day until I decided to go out drinking and celebrate my newfound clarity. Pretty stupid of me to think that I was over everything already, I got wasted and apparently became a huge drunken a$$. I hit on the girls there apparently, and then I started complaining about Roni and Jaxon again. I felt terrible when I woke up the next morning and had to do a lot of thinking.

The day before the day before, well nothing really happened, life went on as normal for me, I hung out with my friends for a bit and did some thinking, I've been neglecting my training again so I have to get back on that.

The day before the day before the day before, which would be friday I believe I was very very angry. For some reason I was dwelling on the fact that Roni and Jaxon were together and it was pissing me off. I felt really angry, not at the fact that they were sleeping together or even dating, it was the two weeks after they had first had sex and then just really screwed with my mind that set me off. Him with the telling me that things were still fresh between her and I and that we could still work things out, and her telling me how much she missed me, missed being with me, and how much she loved me. If she missed me and loved me she wouldn't have spread her legs and had sex with another man, she would have waited for me to get down there, and the fact that both of them were trying to get me back with her knowing what they did together really set me off. When did they ever plan on telling me? I had every right to know what they did so I could move on faster instead of having my head screwed with. Yeah that's basically all I dwelt on that day, and I felt really angry and mad.

Now, I know that odds are only one person is going to read this and offer advice, and thank you for all the time you've put into me 'happiness' I would feel even more lost without even someone I don't know who they are to help me through things. They say that greatness is forged through adversity, and I feel like if I can make it through this intact, sane, and alive then I would be a very great person, even though I know what I'm going through is nothing compared to what other people have to endure every day of their life. Perhaps I will strive to be the asian ideal, a cold analytical person who believes that feelings are a weakness, life would probably be easier that way, but would it be me? I don't really think so, I still have a lot of thinking and soul searching to do before I find myself, and it seems like new problems will always surface before I can deal with the old ones, that's just life I guess, we either deal with it and move on, or we are driven into the dirt and left for dead as our past will never let us go. I guess the old saying is true, that only the strong survive, and the weak will always die off or be used and abused for their entire life. I need to be strong, I need to be stronger than I have been, I hate being weak. Well I guess that's enough for today, I'm really trying not to cry right now since I'm at the library so it's best I stop this update before I lose it, anyone who read all this, take care and have a good one.
-Jamie