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Once again I've failed at something as soon as I've started to really care about it and set plans up for my life involving it. Today was the first time I have ever been rejected by a school for admittance and well it hurt like a b*tch and it was all caused by a wrong choice I made in my past yet again. I had dropped out of BCIT for Roni, because she wanted me to be closer to her, and at the time I thought it was the right choice because I was 'in love' now I realize I didn't know what love is, and I might still not know. Anyways, failing out on purpose is one reason they could not admit me because even though my grades before that semester were good enough that one semester made me not up to standards. Also though I had applied for a second year course when I had thought it was a first year one, I would have never done it otherwise but their website never ever specified, so I guess my own idiocy is to blame as well.

It's too late to change now and the deadline for application has passed I believe, I've been told that my band can possibly force an application through for an 'exceptional' case, but I don't think that'd be me, nor do I want any special treatment, it'd just taint anything that comes from it. I don't like having things handed to me easily, which I guess is why I always fail. I'm really getting tired of commiting to something, making plans around it, forming my life around it then having it fall apart before my eyes. It's like no matter how hard I try things always end up failing, no matter how much I want something it just stays right out of my grasp. Almost is the story of my life, and now I have friends and others telling me to stop b*tching and complaining and do something about it. Well F*CK YOU I am trying to do something, I am thinking about how I can change the f*cked up life I have, the options I come up with aren't very great, but I AM TRYING SO F*CK OFF.

I'm tired of things always falling apart and I don't need people putting me down on top of it all. It's not easy having so much doubt about yourself, so much worry that you're never good enough and then have it thrown in your face. I'm seriously wondering if Roni and Mari were right; Roni when she told me that I'm a f*ck up and a failure, and I'll never amount to anything in this lifetime, and Mari when she told me I was too old to go to school. I know Mari was just stating a fact because in Japan I would be too old, and most people my age would have their degree by now. This makes me just feel like I've wasted my life even more up until this point. It was stupid of me to party so much and not take anything too seriously, now life has passed me by and I'm scrambling to catch up.

It sucks realizing that you've wasted your life with so many wrong choices, especially in recent history. I should never have let Roni control me so much, I should never have failed out of school on purpose, so many things I should have done differently but there's nothing I can do to change it now. Now I am facing a hugely evolved problem that is constantly changing before my eyes and it is all my past choices that were bad for me standing in the way of any possible future I might want. I have to study it from so many different angles and try to pick out the right path through the maze or problems I have created for myself and it's not an easy task. I'm sorry to those of you I might snap at, and I'm sorry for any pain I might cause you while I am doing this. This whole situation has shocked me and caused me a lot of frustration, but I'll find my way through it all, hopefully sooner than later because I'm not getting any younger.
-Jay