Warning: May contain suggestive themes and strong language, but otherwise SFW (If you do not know what this means, google it). If you have not read the previous versions before reading this one, then I urge you to do so their links can be found at the bottom. The GaiaJournals version also has been edited so that way it does not violate the ToS.
I don't exactly know what went wrong, with my internal wiring. Many times I have thought it over, what I'd be like, to be normal again. I was so conflicted both mentally and sexually that, there were a few times I had attempted suicide. Attempted... Suicide, yet I never could bring myself to do it, something inside me had always gotten in my way; whether it was my "conscience" or some misguided sense of morality I'll never know. The fact is, I didn't do it; though it probably caused a lot of people pain, I'm glad I didn't have the balls to do it. I was just so alone, so lost in the darkness, that I needed something, anything to take away my pain.
On a summers night in 2011 I am watching my little sister, Catherine; She tells me she wants to watch cartoons. Now, I'm not going to claim to be watching her, I was actually playing WoW while she was playing on the floor. While flicking through the channels I come across a show, filled with these ponies of many colors. "Ooh I want to watch this one Tommy!" she quickly shouts out in approval. Having settled the matter of what to watch, I quickly returned to my duties as main healer for DS 25m (which by then, our tank had returned from his potty break, and was actually waiting on me to confirm the ready check). After rebuffing and restoring my mana, we continued on to Morchok. And then I heard it, that theme song which I have come to know and love.
It was then that I knew, this was no ordinary cartoon. By this time I had realized that the off healers were struggling to keep our tank alive, and I quickly healed his health up with a well placed Penance spell. Following a few choice words from a few of the raid members, we continued on. Though it wasn't very long before I had found my attention focused once again on these ponies. You know they'd say something and then smile, and I'd find myself smiling back at them, and it was truly a great feeling. Then I'd remember I was still in a raid, and glanced back at my laptop to find the whole raid group had wiped and there I was lying there, dead; and I was OK with it, I had found something truly mesmerizing, entrancing even, and so I closed my laptop and stretched my arms across the sofa as I watched the show.
After the credits rolled, I thought to myself: "My little pony... My little pony...?" and looked it up on the Internet to find that all of the internetverse was raving about it. It was also then, that I found out that there was also a sexual side to my little pony, and all the fanfics surrounding it. I closed the laptop, slowly got up and proceeded to the bathroom to take a piss. Afterwards I washed my hands and wiped my hands on my pants before looking in the mirror. "What the ******** is wrong with you?" I thought to myself. "You like a show for little girls, and what's more, there's other twisted ******** like yourself all over the Internet".
Then I put my hands on the sides of the sink basin and let out a chuckle. "It's true, I do like this show, and maybe I am a little twisted in doing so." I said as I stared at the Kohler emblem on the sink stopper. "But I'm not so twisted, that I'd ever pleasure myself to these characters." I thought as I stood back up and stared at myself in the mirror. I shook my head and cleared my mind of the thought and exited the bathroom.
Skip ahead a few days, and My little pony is on again, and my sister is at school while my step dad is sitting on the sofa finishing up a 32 pack of beer. Fearing judgment, I elected to watch the show in my room instead. It was then that I knew I was a brony, a closeted one at that. Something about the show was just so entrancing, it was just the most fascinating thing I've ever seen. But every time I'd watch it when my sister was at school, I'd feel almost guilty; like watching this show was taboo, and so when I would watch it I'd make sure to lock my door and close the curtains before cuddling up in my bed, and switching on the telly
The only time I could really enjoy the show without feeling guilty was when Catherine was home and my stepfather was once again at the bar, and I was in charge of watching her. We'd make a point to schedule the DVR to record it, so we could watch the episodes again, and I'd make an event out of it by preparing a bowl of popcorn before we watched. I truly felt alive when I watched the show like that; it was just me and my sister watching ponies, with not a care in the world
Part One (You are here)