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Pumpkinella's Journal
i just put random stuff in here
i'm not ok. my heart is breaking inside, it feels like it never healed. I almost wish i never broke up with him but then again I don't. None of this is his fault and it'd be going on anyway with him even more at a loss as to what to do. I hate him for feeling alone though-that's wrong I can't hate him that would almost be easier but goddamn does it hurt- it hurts so much, so ungodly much just everything hurts all the time and I want it to stop and I think it will with the next drink the next smoke the next hookup, the next orgasm. But it never does. It never does and I am left a lonely broken shell each day just hanging on and fighting for the next. I'd love to give up but the same thing that makes me different from anyone else, that makes me beautiful is what keeps me going. Or maybe I'm just a coward. Afraid to get close to people or really talk to anyone. I'll lay bare my sexual history-up to having sex- but none of that was actual intimacy. It's about the fakest part of me and I've laid it bare for so many people. I whore out my sex life when I've had none since september...I'm so scared of getting hurt and of loving anyone or anything. I can't remember the last time I've been completely genuine with someone about anything. Everyone leaves me and seems to do so at an alarming rate, I don't know if it's just normal and it seems alarming to me, or if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy...considering I've been doing this since I was young when I realized no one stayed in my life for longer than a couple years.

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