Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Turtle who decided she would be a fairy princess when she grew up. HOWEVER, there were three bad men who decided to destroy the threat of a fairy princess before she could cause major catastrophes in their careers of questionable integrity, and so they planted LSD into her morning grapefruit. As she convulsed on the floor watching bright, flashing lights and a rainbow woman flying in a diamond studded stratosphere, the three bad men plotted on how to best destroy Turtle. However, one of the three bad men, a flaming Hawaiian, fell madly in love with little Turtle as she twitched and foamed on the linoleum and decided he would do what he could to save her, even if it meant damaging his dubious infamy. He eventually convinced the other two to dump her on a desert island in the middle of ocean, though thinking their companion had gone soft over the villainous years, decided to turn the flaming Hawaiian into a goggle-wearing sea turtle to forever surf the ocean forever. Four years later, as little Turtle built an evening fire to bake her specialty coconut and fish cake for dinner on the seashore, a sea turtle wearing goggles suddenly beached itself beside her. Turtle prodded the sea turtle with a long fingernail before it suddenly spoke.
"Turtle...! It's me, one of the three men from four years ago who slipped LSD in your grapefruit! I saved you by convincing the others to leave you here on this island, but they betrayed me in return and turned me into a sea turtle... But I finally found you! I lo...glagalgalgluuuu" gasped the sea turtle as Turtle slit its wrinkled throat with a sharp stick.
"So YOU'RE the reason I'm here! Do you know what it's like to live here? All I've had to eat were coconuts and fish. I actually concocted the perfect coconut and fish cake recipe. Do you know how HARD that was? Do you know how HORRIBLE they would normally taste baked in a cake? It was HARD, Mr. Sea Turtle, HARD."
And so Turtle had turtle soup that evening.

Two days later, a horrible flaming Hawaiian monster-man rowed up to the island on a small quarter horse in a canoe. He was bored with the mundane, traveling the Arizona desert, cutting off radio signals and throwing fireballs at cars and only eating cooked human meat, and desired to see the world and try something else... Maybe something unusual, sailing the world to find a desert island, maybe try to find something to eat that you would think wouldn't normally work, something like coconut and fish cake, and maybe even find a nice girl to hold hands to the theater with. Anyway, the genetic freakshow landed his canoe and rode the quarter horse along the shore until he eventually found a giant sea turtle shell just laying on the beach. He had a certain fondness for all things turtle, and so he knocked on the top of the shell to say hello to the wrinkly fellow within. However, Turtle popped her head out of the sea turtle shell instead, surprising the flaming man. "Who are you?", Turtle asked.
"My name is Lettuce Prey, and I am a half fire, half Hawaiian man who roams the Arizona deserts on this horse, burning people in their cars and them eating them."
"Oh," said Turtle.
"And who are you?" Asked Lettuce Prey.
"My name is Turtle," replied Turtle.
"WHY I LOVE TURTLES!" exclaimed Lettuce Prey, instantly falling in love with her. They then climbed into Lettuce Prey's canoe and sailed the ocean blue, and no one really knows exactly what shenanigans they got into after.

They had outrageous sex.

THE END.