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The Trident War
This where my story is going to get recorded, I may not post in regulation but hopefully enough people will read my story
Prelude
"Hello, this is Cindy reporting live in the city where it's said that a war has broken out" A female spoke into a microphone. She was dressed very professionally and had her hair in a bun "I have asked the guards outside earlier about this war but they didn't release much information as to how this war broke out and why" She reported and soon after a massive explosion suddenly occurred in the background of the cameraman's shot "Whoa! Check that out, Cindy!" The Cameraman said in amazement.

Cindy looked back to see the mushroom cloud forming "Are you getting this!?" Cindy yelled to the Cameraman.

"Yeah, I got it all!" The Cameraman replied as Cindy looked back towards the lens "A huge explosion just erupted a few seconds ago. Maybe we should go deeper into the city and get some more footage" Cindy said to the Cameraman as she started to walk deeper into the ruined city "Hey! It's dangerous, maybe we should go back" The Cameraman said but Cindy turned around and started to drag him "We're going and that's that!" She demanded.

After a half hour, they were in the heart of the city and looked at it's post-apocalyptic environment "We've been looking around for about thirty minutes, can we leave now?" The Cameraman asked as he heard voices "Wait, someone is coming!" he said as he turned on the camera and looked around to see someone climb up from a pile of concrete and looked over to Cindy and the Cameraman "Who the hell are you?!" The man asked "What are you doing on our turf?" he demanded.

Cindy thought of this as a golden moment for her "Hello, my name in Cindy, I'm a news reporter from Arizona" Cindy greeted the man "Can you tell..." Cindy was cut off by the man "I don't give a s**t who you are! You're on Shadows turf, I'll kill you!" The man soon dropped down from the pile of concrete and picked up the entire pile and threw it towards Cindy and the Cameraman, Cindy ducked for cover but another man appeared and crushed each piece of concrete to small, harmless pieces with some sort of energy blast

Cindy looked up to her savior and noticed a small marking on his neck "Joe, are you getting all this?" She whispered as Joe held up the camera and began recording "Yeah" Joe simply replied.

The man with the marking looked over to the other man "Why are you attacking innocent people?" he asked "Shut up! Why is someone from Genesis doing in Shadows turf?" The man from Shadow asked.

"I thought that this was neutral ground" The man from Genesis replied as he suddenly blocked an attack made by the man from Shadow "This area now belongs to Shadow" The man from Shadow retorted as he noticed Cindy and Joe recording.

"As you can see, we have just learned that there are names for the two opposing side." Cindy said as she took a quick breath "One is Team Shadow and the other is Team Genesis, it sounds like a all out gang war. But they have acquired what it seems to be Super-Natural strength." Cindy said as the ground started to shake a little and crack, a building started to fall and caused dust and rubble to fly everywhere "Let's get out of here!" Cindy yelled as she and Joe started to run with the camera on, but the man from Shadow saw them run and tossed the man from Genesis aside and started to chase them.

"Quick! Let's hide inside there!" Joe said as they ran inside and hid behind a counter. The man from Shadow peered inside and walked around a little "I know you're here...I just want to say hello" He chuckled a little as Joe shifted a little and felt something warm and looked over to see something shrouded in darkness with red glowing eyes "Oh...s**t!" Joe said as there was a ear-shattering scream followed by a massive explosion. Everything in a 5 block radius was obliterated and surely nothing could have survived that kind of blast.


~Prelude End~



Notes: This is my first time doing something like this and I'm excited about it.
Suggestions/Constructive Comments are always welcome. Either drop a comment here or send me a PM






User Comments: [4] [add]
Simple Imperfection
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Fri Jul 03, 2009 @ 08:17pm
This is quite interesting, because it kinda gives off a feeling of excitement toward what's happening. The way you described some of the things was good and if you're going to post more tell me. :]

TC


commentCommented on: Sun Jul 05, 2009 @ 02:23am
this is great~ I wants moar XD. but seriously, you did this well, the sense oif excitement and that feeling of wanting to know more is spectacular. keep going, it feels like its only gonna get better.



Ana Yamazaki
Community Member
Iradesca
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Sun May 01, 2011 @ 03:36am
Hey! You're doing great! How long have you been writing? I think this could be something you could pursue in the future. Feel free to check out my Journal for the little excerpt of my own work that I put in there.


commentCommented on: Mon May 02, 2011 @ 01:09am
Okay, here is my rant.

Let's begin with the positives:
Even in an outrageous setting (huge explosions, all out war) the characters act realistically. The news reporter is like, "Fuch my safety, this will be the biggest story ever!" and is willing to endanger the lives of others. Unfortunately it is much like that is real life, so kudos on portraying the nature of humans. =)

Not too mention that a lot of what they say, the phrases and comments your characters make, are also realistic and believable. So again, I applaud you.

The storyline itself is enganging. You want to know: Who the Hell is this mysterious man? What is Genesis? Why does Shadow hate Genesis? Question, question, question. You made a fantastic attention-getter by writing in that style.

Now, here is where you can improve.

It needs more detail. So I would say go back through, sentence by sentence, and add in necessary words that help to describe the world they are in. Or vice versa, take some unnessary words out. Such as, "the man from Shadow saw them run and tossed the man from Genesis aside and started to chase them." You could just as easily say, "The Shadow member tossed the marked man aside in pursuit of the reporter and her colleague" or something along those lines.

So yeah. I think your main issue is phrasing and details. Whenever I am stuck with a wierd sentence (I write too) I turn to a book on my shelf, read a paragraph or two so I have an idea of how a real author writes, and suddenly I am inspired. I would recommend any Stpehen King book. =)

I really hope this helps out.



thetoastercaper
Community Member
User Comments: [4] [add]
 
 
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