I'm attempting to right some of my wrongs... because I've had time to think about who I'm becoming, and it's bothering me quite a bit. Superficiality rules the day. My intentions aren't clear, even to me... but I look in the mirror and feel I should fit this societal template high school's created for me.
My mom put $400 in a savings account for me... about a year ago. It's for college, I guess. Not a whole lot, I know. But we aren't exactly made of money. For the last couple of months, I've been considering taking half of it out to blow on clothes. Mostly because I don't get to. Because I feel like I should look a certain way, and I don't have the opportunity to go out and do those things, typically. I kind of wanted to invent that ability for myself. And now I realize it's completely pointless and stupid. Sure, if I get a job, I could quickly replace that $200. But are new clothes really going to get me the kind of friends I want? No, of course not. And I suppose it's more of a desire to express and present myself a certain way... to the people I already know. But it's still kind of useless. The people I know and love don't need to look at me to be reminded of who I am. And I really like it that way. It's the way it's supposed to be.
On other fronts, I've let go of a lot of close, loyal friendships that I made through middle school. Some of the toughest years I've weathered. Those people helped me get through all of that, and were some of the best friends I've ever had. When I got to high school, I just kind of blew them off completely. Which was really awful of me. And it bothers me that I've let myself become this way.
So... I'm forging old alliances. Reamping my perceptions, and trying to be more real than I've ever been. For awhile, I've just gone with the flow.
But now, I'm actually concerned with who I am a human being, and where that's going to lead me.
You can't be a true writer without understanding humanity.
And you can't understand humanity unless you accept it for what it is.
And that's precisely what I'm going to do.
phantasmagorist · Sun Jun 29, 2008 @ 11:59pm · 0 Comments |