|
sunday august 19th
its 12:39 here and i cant stop thinking about kevin i havent talked to him all day im just kinda worried but yet again im always worried. but i have been worrying of nothing im worried that kevins mad at me or i did something wrong. but im just hurt what he thought really hurt me but im fine i forgive him but then again theres nothing to forgive him for because he didnt do anything wrong. i mean i dont blame him for thinking of breaking us off im so stupid im difficult and i make him angry sometimes but he has to understand i dont mean to be so difficult and i dont mean to hurt him. i trust him with all my heart and i dont think he would hurt me he has hurt me yet and its been five months. i just dont want to get on his nerves saying im sorry for the things i said.....i am sorry i truly am but if i keep telling him that he wont think i mean it and i do. i havent given up on him yet and i never will i have been right beside him through thick and thin and i would like to be beside him for the rest of our lives.....but im young right im stupid i dont know anything right, well you may be right about me being young and stupid but i know how i feel and im going to fight for how i feel and if you dont believe me and kevin will make it...you shall think whatever you would like but i have never felt anything like this before and you know why because i can see it in his eyes. i can feel it in my heart. with the other guys....i never meant anything to them but....dirt but with kevin im his world and he is mine. and if we dont work which isnt going to happen dont tell me i told you so because im so freakin tired of hearing that i have to make my own mistakes on my own or i will never learn. but me loving kevin will never be a regret he...he is amazing he has brought joy back into my life i am starting to smile more im starting to believe in myself i know im pretty and im proud of it....i may not show it but in my heart i know i am. we may be thousands of miles away but if you really want something so bad you can taste it you can feel it you should go for it dont let anyone get in your way not even yourself yeah its not going to be easy an nothing is ever easy but thats just it the more you suffer to reach what you want in life the more worth it it will be in the end. and i want this relationship between me and kevin to work i really do i believe that me and him have something no one else has its unexplainable but its a connection in our hearts. me and him we feel the same way at the same time without even knowing it until we say something about it. i see him every where i go i see his face when i close my eyes he is the song my heart was meant to sing. when i look into his eyes i can see things i would have never imagined they are so gorgeous they may be brown but i dont care. its like you cant judge a book by its cover you have to judge the book by whats on the inside....i dont care what you look on the outside i look in your heart and when i look in his eyes i can see his heart of gold. im jealous of everyone who can hug him talk to him see him...i mean i can see him but on a web cam isnt as indescribable as in real life. and its not like net relationships havent last look at my step sister she meet her husband over the net and my dad found my step mom over the net one of my friends sisters found her husband in the 8th grade on the net. its not like its impossible because its not you just have to have the determination and the heart to go for it and if you try you best and work hard for it wait for it you will get it. i should practice what i preach but now my eyes have been opened you never know what you have till its gone i havent lost kevin yet but i came close and i never want to ever feel that ever again i felt like i forgot why i even existed i blacked out i spaced out. there must be some sort of god out there and you know why i think that because whoever it is made kevin just for me otherwise then why would me of him had to go through so much pain....every time we were with someone it would never work. well i know why we werent meant to be with anyone other than each other. i have helped him heal his broken heart and he has healed mine. i just cant let something i worked so hard for slip away through my fingers right before my eyes i have to make this right. and if i dont atleast i know i did everything i could...if i lost him i dont know what i would do. i would probably go mute never believe in love again live life wondering why i was really meant for why am i on this earth...i would probably die alone. what people dont get is that i dont want anyone else i want him and only him to sped the rest of my life with him...because he is the other part of me. i love me for me and i love him for him. i knew i could never love anyone till i loved myself well i do love myself i love myself to trust again to love again. he has opened my eyes he has shown me things i would have never seen on my own. in my heart i can feel it burning i can feel his love and i can feel mine. i just hope that he reads this and he understands how much i do really care for him. this is the best way i can explain how i feel...but its hard because its unexplainable and no one should have to know how i feel but me but i want him to know that i am real its not a dream and its not to good to be true im real and im staying by your side forever and ever even after the end of time. i love you so much kevin i hope your forgive me for all i have done. and it hank you so much for everything i could never repay you the one thing i want to thank you for the most is for loving me. i vleo you babe.
|
