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So recently I've discovered that I, Himi, am in fact a lesbian. No lie, and it's none of that "Oh men are so shitty I'm going gay!" s**t, this is legitimate, I am a flaming ********' dyke carpet muncher. :l

I've actually been struggling with it since I was young, but I didn't realize how badly I was annoyed and upset because I didn't know. Ever since I was a child I'd find myself watching some "infomercials" about certain "things." You know those Girls Gone Wild infomercials they show at night? Yeah, I'd stay up and watch those even as a young child. I didn't understand why I'd watch them, though. There was just something I liked. As I discovered the internet and anime, and along with anime; hentai was discovered. I wouldn't watch videos, but I'd play "games" and I'd browse pictures. I was never interested in looking at men, just the women. I loved looking at these pictures, and I didn't know why.

As time moved forward, I tried to stop looking at them, because I didn't think it was right. I'm a huge hypocrite, and I know it. I tell people not to cover up who they are for anyone, but here I was doing it. I finally stopped looking, and that's when I started becoming clingy to guys. I'd meet one, and I'd be all starry-eyed and I'd get jealous if they so much looked toward another girl. I didn't understand why I was that way. But the only thing I can think of is that I did it to try and distract myself from looking at girls. I never thought it normal, and I'm so glad I've changed.

Since coming to terms with myself and the fact that I'm gay, it feels like years of tension, anger, depression, and anxiety just melted away. And it feels amazing to not be so angry all the time. To think all my problems were, was that I didn't realize I was gay and I was trying to be someone I'm not. I've never been a girly person, never. I've bought dresses, skirts, heels, but nothing ever felt comfortable on me. I know you might be thinking, "Well, that's not enough to classify you as gay!" But I don't count that as the 'reason.' There are so many reasons I love woman, from the way their minds work down to their body curves.

Someone probably helped me realize this, huh? You're right. It wasn't until about a month ago when I was watching tv late one night with my grandmother, and I discovered 'RuPaul's Drag Race.' I liked it, I really liked it. The more I watched his show, the more I realized things about myself that I never knew. I'd look up his music and listen to it, and it's honestly some of the most inspirational music I've ever heard. He's gone through a lot in his life, and all that has really helped me discover who I really am. Because "if you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" All of his music, his being, quotes, everything inspired me to finally come out and be who I really am. I can't live in a shadow of what people want me to be, I honestly don't care what people think of me anymore. I'm so happy with what he's done for me, even though he knows nothing about me, that I want a tattoo of a quote of his on my chest.

I want the quote "What people think of me, is none of my business." Why? Because it's true. And not just for me, but for everyone. What people think of you IS none of your business. People's opinions change like a light switch, and you shouldn't care what they think. Even celebrities that we think are perfect, people still find flaws in them. Everyone has them and the beauty of being human is to be different. Could you imagine how boring life would be if we all looked the same? There'd be no point in anything. You need to brace and accept yourself for who you are, and not care what people think. We're all different and those differences is what makes us, us. And no one can take that away from you. What I do is what I do, and it's no one's business but my own. That goes for everyone.

Lastly what I want to say, is thank you to all my *close friends. You're all so amazing and I love you all dearly so much, you can't even begin to understand. I can tell you all anything, and I don't have to worry about being judged, laughed at, abandoned or anything. You've all given me the support I crave and the love I need to be myself. You're all so special to me, you really don't know.

*Adrian, Josh, Marc, Aaron.

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