So, when I was a kid, I was totally focused on bettering myself. I thought that if I spent years 1-18 making myself the best person I could, I would be the best adult ever. Art, writing, reading, math, socially, in every thing that I thought mattered, I tried my hardest to go above and beyond in. It worked too, there for a while. I was known for being smart, successful, friendly and easy going. I always had a strong morality compass and common sense, and I was liked by nearly everybody because of it.
But then, high school came. I was always friendly, but I'm shy around new people, and had a hard time making friends. I switched from a specialized art school to go to a normal high school because I wanted to be around normal teenagers, but I didn't know many people, so I spent more time watching than doing. I noticed that the teachers talked down to everyone, and the students tended to be completely rediculously stupid; and were expected to do as much. Yet still, I watched these students excel in school, to get their boyfriends and girlfriends, to go to all the parties, and I was jealous. I was clearly more committed to school and success while they were committed to parties and drugs, yet they seemed happier.
Seems a really stupid thought at this point. I realize now that it was very unlikely that many of them were.
Anyhow, It seemed like I was missing out on enjoying myself while I tried to be a better person. So I started acting they way they seemed to behave; making dumb mistakes that could effect my long term life in exchange for momentary pleasure.
Now, I'm afraid I lost that drive I used to have. I am intent on finding it, but I feel very lost, have spent about 6 years straying from that path.
Lillik Community Member 
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