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This has been awhile... sweatdrop A quick update for anyone who wants to know what's going on with me.

I'm almost 23 now, and it's almost my 5 year Gaiaversary! gonk I'm old!

I have a boyfriend of over a year and a half, as some people might know. He's 25, and we've been living together our whole relationship. We both moved yet again, so we're hoping we're going to stay put for awhile. ^^;

I'm back in school finally, taking a summer social work class as a pre-requisite for my university's social work BSW program starting in the fall. If I get in, I'll be done my BSW (Bachelor of Social Work) in 2 - 2.5 years or so.

I have my guild running still, my pride and joy on Gaia. mrgreen I don't spend as much time on Gaia now these days because I don't like the direction the site is going in, but I do still maintain my guild. The link is in my signature, please feel free to come take a look! It's been around for over 4 years now!

What else... Oh I make jewelry now, more of a hobby, but I'd love to have it as a job one day. You can visit me at http://niko-ad.blogspot.com.

I also have a Deviant Art account, where I post all of my art, photography, and jewelry. Come see me at: http://nikolitaniko.deviantart.com/


That's about it for now. Feel free to post any questions or just say hi if you'd like! *wave*

1 year.

I don't have words to describe what kind of a night this was tonight. Totally not what I expected it to be. If my ex is reading this, knock yourself out. I need to get it out somehow.

I was invited by my boy toy tonight to go see the new Resident Evil movie with a bunch of his friends. He wanted me to meet a friend of his, matchmaker that he is sometimes, and I thought I might run into my ex at the theatre, so I dressed up a bit.

The three of us got to the theatre, and...

HE was there. HIM, of all people.

It turns out my ex is a PART of my boy toy's group of friend's. And not only that, but he was with the ex of a former friend of mine. mad There's like 2 or 3 friends in common between my ex and myself, and it just reminds me of how small this town and this world really is.

He was totally shocked to see me, moreso when he saw me with my boy toy, because he has a rep of being a bit of a manwhore (which I already knew). He asked where we met, but I wouldn't tell him, and then I went to sit with my boy toy and his friend. We sat next to my ex's roommate, there's a bunch of them living together.

The movie finished (if you like lots of blood and gore, go see it), and then afterwards we all met outside to discuss what we were going to do next. We'd voted on mini-golf, but some people weren't going, so we worked out rides and left. I was a total nervous wreck, my ex triggers my anxiety and I get really shaky.

We went to the game place to play video games and mini-golf, and I tried to avoid him. He was still with the ex of the former friend of mine, whom I was told by my boy toy that they're either dating/pseudo-dating (either way, spending a lot of time together) and that was THE last thing I needed to hear. So I tried to avoid them more after that.

It was winding down a bit, most of our group was out of game tokens, and I was following my boy toy and his friend when my ex grabbed my sleeve and said he wanted to talk to me for a minute. So we stepped aside and the rest of the group took the hint and left us alone.

He actually APOLOGIZED to me, for being an a*****e and for the way he treated me while we were living together. To which I said "Yes, yes you were" and he looked a little sheepish. I didn't say I accepted his apology, or even thanked him - I know I probably should have, but I didn't want him to think I forgave easily. I was still trying to wrap my head around the apology anyways. I think I'm still a little too angry to forgive at this point, and it'll help if/when I get another boyfriend.

He asked about my classes, I asked about his mom, we kinda updated each other on what was going on. He said if I still didn't want to talk to him he'd understand, and if I did then that would be ok too, and same applied if I was going to hang out with their group of friends again. I don't know, I haven't decided if I'll hang out with them again. I really don't want to be there if he's going to be there with his girlfriend, that's like salt in an open wound right now.

He also asked me if I hated him, to which I didn't have an answer. I damn near started crying at that point, and I think he was close to tears too. Nice to know the guy still has something resembling a conscience. I said I didn't hate him anymore, and that it was a really strong word, but that I was still angry, and regretted how things turned out. I think we both were close to tears at that point because we kind of stopped talking. I said I understood we both had our problems, and that I wasn't going to take the whole blame, and he agreed it was due to both of us. He explained some of the reasoning behind why he'd been such a p***k while we were living together, which made sense, and said he'd found the letter I left him (something like 20 pages back to back of writing in which I told him off and told him how much he'd hurt me). He said he wished I'd said that sooner, and I said that due to the issues I had at the time, I hadn't been able to form it into words because I'd choke up and start crying and it would fall apart.

I really just wanted to go after that, I was confused and wanted to go somewhere to be alone and cry for a bit. ********, I still want to do that now. And I just don't know what to do. When it comes down to it, while I've gained a little respect for him after our talk tonight, I still don't trust him. And I'm scared to death of letting down my guard again and having him hurt me all over again like he did before. Nevermind having to see him with his girlfriend anytime I want to hang out with that group of friends.

So I just don't know what to do. I need a day or two to think on it. I was thinking of e-mailing him tonight but I might wait a day and see if my head clears a bit. I won't be putting him back on my MSN, I don't want him to think I'm eager to talk to him and falling all over myself to be nice again. And I still haven't figured out how to deal/cope/channel with my anger now that he's apologized, since I can't really direct it at him once he said he was sorry.

-_-;

And then boy toy was still asking me to come over and sleep with him when we talked later that night on MSN, after we both got home. rolleyes Yah, because I was totally going to bike/taxi over at 1 in the morning and sleep with someone who just wanted me to get off with. Especially in the mood I was in.

I don't know whether I want to be friends with my ex again, whether or not to start talking and trust him, to be something resembling friends. I'd give my right arm to ask if he'd ever date me again, seeing as how we both apparently have changed over the past year (well, I have, I haven't talked to him enough to say if he has), but I'm afraid of the answer. If he said yes, I don't know if it would happen because he's got his new girlfriend and has moved on, and if he said no then I'd have my heart ripped out all over again.

I regret the way things turned out, we both do, and I miss how we used to be. I didn't just lose my boyfriend when we broke up, but I also lost my best friend.

wahmbulance MY QUEST IS COMPLETED!! wahmbulance

As of Sept. 14/07, largely in part to a very, very generous friend, I was able to complete my quest far far ahead of schedule, so a huge thank you to them (they know who they are). A big thank you as well to the user who was willing to part with her OMG and Nitemare Scarf.

But I couldn't do it without the help of everyone who came to bump, chat, donate, or just be supportive, so a very big THANK YOU to everyone who came to either one of my quest threads, or both. 1 year and almost 10 months later, my quest is over! 8D And I will never ever trade these items. xd

*dances around happily*

And now other people can benefit because I can go back to randomly donating to users now that my quest is over. ninja

Thank you to Savina for getting me this awesome art, and thank you so much to Xaitoh for drawing it!! 4laugh heart

MY GUILD IS BACK UP! biggrin Re-opened it as of July 19/07.

Sorry, I should've thought of this sooner. sweatdrop

So, I shut my guild down. Temporarily, of course, though I have no idea how long it'll be down for.

Why?

Because of this little gem, not to mention other reports I've seen for my guild:




So, it's being disabled for now so I can clean up any questionable material and stuff like that. Once it's clean, users have no reason to complain anymore.

THE GUILD IS NOT SHUT DOWN PERMANENTLY, DON'T TAKE IT OFF YOUR GUILD LIST! sweatdrop

From my guild's front page, realizing belatedly that you guys can't see it (sorry! whee ):



So yeah. If you have a question that hasn't been answered by this post, please PM me. DO NOT SPAM THE THREAD COMPLAINING ABOUT MY GUILD, the last thing I want is to start a flamewar. I'm just posting for content purposes, so people know what is going on. If s**t starts hitting the fan, I'll remove the post. Please be mature about it.

~ Nikolita

P.S - I'm sorry for not making my idea known before doing it. Once I had permission, I wanted to get it done asap to get it over with.

P.P.S - If you'd like to show your support, feel free to comment here or comment in my profile. All comments and shows of support are much much loved and appreciated. It makes me so happy to see that my guild has helped people and given them a place where they feel they can belong. heart I made the guild for you guys, after all. wink

~

Edit June 25/07:

Going to see Josh in Vancouver, the countdown begins! mrgreen heart

Yeah I know, more Josh stuff. Seriously, if you haven't heard of Josh Groban, look here and here. And then go buy his CDs!! blaugh


(I didn't make the banner, don't shoot me please.)


So yeah. Today I splurged and re-bought his newest CD "Awake", except I found the special edition, which has 2 bonus songs and comes with a DVD with behind the scenes stuff. I gave the original version I bought to my mom, so I've been looking for the special edition, or waiting until I had a credit card so I could buy the internet-only edition that has a 3rd bonus song. ninja

*ahem* Yes I'm sane, honest...

Between buying the CD and watching the DVD and listening to some of his other songs that I managed to download... I just wanted to post a bunch of his lyrics that have touched me. His music really means a lot to me, he's so talented and I find I'm just able to "connect" with his music on so many levels.

~

"All I Know Of Love", a duet with Barbara Steisand. Some of his vocals are in Italian, and I posted the english translation in italics next to the italian lyrics. And in the bracketed ( () )lyrics, those are Barbara's vocals, although she does indeed sing in many other parts in the song.





Another one of his songs I've fallen in love with is "My Heart Was Home Again", off his Valentine's Day CD (titled "With You" wink which he released through Hallmark.

He got out of a long-term relationship with his former girlfriend back in... 2006 sometime I believe. Some of the songs on his "Awake" album seem to reflect the break-up, as does this song. The verses in red font are the parts I can relate to. The song on a whole reminds me of the healing process that comes with getting out of a long-term, commited relationship, and the process of moving on.

On some level, as much as I don't like to admit it, the verses in red also remind me that deep down on some level, I do still care for my ex, even though he hurt me as much as he did. And it reminded me that I still care about the person he used to be, back when we were dating and were happy together, before things went sour. And that I can remember back to that time and still be attracted to him, and still miss him and the way we used to be.



And then there's the title track "Awake", one of the bonus tracks on the special edition CD. I listened to it today when I got home from buying it, and thought it was a gorgeous song... but I'm listening to it again now as I'm typing this, and I was crying earlier because it was making me remember some times from with my ex (yeah I know, there's a pattern here... a lot of Josh's music does that, but sometimes it's positive memories instead of just negative feelings about the break-up).

The song is special to me because when I was listening to it, and thinking about my ex, some of the lyrics were reminding me of the mornings (or late nights) when my ex and I would just lie in bed together with each other. Not having sex, not talking, just lying together with our arms around each other, or just lying down and looking at each other. I used to love those times together. It was like time paused so we could have that time with each other, and now that we're not dating anymore, all that's left are the memories of those times.

Josh sings the song in past tense too, which makes it all the more fitting. Parts in red are the bits that are making me cry. gonk




Thanks for reading and putting up with my mini-obsession. heart This is what happens when I'm single and sex-less for this long. sweatdrop

I leave you with one last Josh picture. ninja