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Look it's me! Again.
Man, I hate when my face breaks out..

Fist Wrapped In Blood - Silverstein


Finish me off, follow the plan
break all the bonds, sever the ties
and now your mission is complete, find and destroy me.
torturing me, with words from your lips
filleting my skin, pulling my teeth
please forgive me for not being good enough.

Drown your sorrows in my pain
and it's something you can't explain.
when I'm choking on words you'll never say
and you'll never feel the same

Bound and gagged, I cannot move or speak
these things I want to say, I can't explain them anyway
so if I had it all again, if I could start from the first words I ever said
I would do it all the same.

Drown your sorrows in my pain
and it's something you can't explain.
when I'm choking on words you'll never say
and you'll never feel the same

Your joy is my pain
my fingers are yours to cut off
and my bones are yours to shatter in pieces.
my teeth are yours to pull out and my soul is yours to slowly rip apart.

I can't trust anyone I meet.
From now on, my chest feels more like
a fist wrapped in blood

Noone really reads journals on Gaia anyway. I don't think I have anything t be shamed about..

I really despise the kinetics of life. I hate them. I hate the structure and the politics and the opinions. I hate "intended courses". For years [and now I sound to myself like one of those decrepid article authors in the editorial section] I've had this dream pulling at me sleeve to just one day, get up, walk out and never come back. To just leave everything behind. More recently [within the past two years] I've subconsciously remedied myself with fantasies of suicide and self-inflicted pain. The only two ways I can get it off my mind are to either joke about it or throw it into a rather embarassing picture of one of my characters taking part in some sort of subtle bloodbath [which noone but me has even seen or will see]. I've found that no matter what compliments I'm given or no matter what good happens, there is always something not right for me, something that depresses me. Honestly, if life is real bad, I think that killing yourself to be rid of the stress is well worth 60+ years of enduring emotional and further physical pain, yet on the other hand, the 'easy way out' is selfish, a way to evade work and experience. So here I am caught in some sort of intelligent rut of how to think about things and what people will think of me. They say jokes about death are just a mask of serious feelings and a sign that someone is suicidal, but I know that I'd never have the guts to even poke myself with a knife [fear of any kind of pain or later guilt prevents me, yet I am not bound by any religion] and I can just think about it anyway and the stress is put on pause, at least for a little while.

Addy's back! blaugh heart

=[ Addy may be gone for another two months. I misses him. sweatdrop