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Kairi's Journal for RP purposes. |
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--Entirely fictional. WARNING: Contains girlxgirl interactions--
I write this now, in hopes of getting her out of my system. To put her in the past. But it might only make it hurt more. And maybe I should suffer for my secret, my deceit, my most unholy sin. More than I am now anyway. Even as much as I miss her, and with the way most of the members of the congregation, including my own mother and father, sister and brother, avoid contact, as If I have been tainted by her... Oh, if only they knew. And even without knowing, they still have become so much stricter, drive me harder, shove the studies down my throat- scripture after scripture. I will bare it, and after this, I will push the other memories away. Block them out as if this paper was a box, and my pen the key. First I must relive them as only you can the sweetest, and also freshest, of memories. Once on my paper, in my metaphorical box, the period to end the last sentence will lock the box, and then my studies- of the AP courses in high school, and the more intricate ones of the bible will bury them. That anyway, is what I intend, if I deserve any mercy at all.
I met Alex a month after I turned 12. She moved into the old house next door just after it was renovated and improved, hardly looking old anymore. She was two years older than I, and we hardly liked each other at all when we first met. And that was despite our common religion, which had been a main issue with the other family that had lived there before.
Most of us on this particular street, were Jehovah Witnesses, whether it was a 4th generation family like my own, or newly converted. They however, had been Atheists, and scoffed at our beliefs. I hated their kids too.
So, naturally, when I heard that the new family moving in was "one of us" I perked up at least a little bit, though I wasn't expecting what I got.
No, Alex did go to the meetings like her parents, and all that, but there was just something different about her, compared to the rest of us. And by us, I mean the kids on the street. There was me, Daniel, who lived across the street, and six other families that had a total of nine kids. Most of us just did what we were told because it made our lives a little less complicated- because really, it was more than complicated enough in my opinion.
We didn't exactly hit it off, and my parents weren't very fond of her either, although, they got a long with her parents alright. And because of that, we saw a lot more of each other than we might have if left to our own devices.
So, as it happens, we were nearly inseparable by the time I turned 13. We got passed the social differences- her being far more out going and bold than I, and really, I admired her a lot more than I would have liked to admit at the time.
The biggest problems arose from the things she said so nonchalant, it left me reeling sometimes. Half the time, I could hardly believe she was a Witness or that she wasn't adopted or something, looking at how drastically she differed from her parents. And yet, she was well versed in the bible and volunteered to read verses at meetings.
She influenced me a great deal, and even before I realized the change, I started to see some logic in her random statements and what seemed to me to be a contradictory belief system. At least I was good at talking little around my parents, or I might have earned a few smacks, or at least a grounding.
On my 14th birthday she got me a sketchpad, complete with paints and colored pencils- and wrapped them! Of course she didn't give it to me in front of my parents, who barely acknowledged the fact that I was 14, and took me off to the nearby orchard where she had hid the present in a tree. She made me climb up with her to get it, and even open it up there too.
I remember the way she took my hand and put a finger to her lips, winked, and took off with me trailing behind her, as soon as school had ended, to lead me there.
I tried to give them back, but she curled my fingers around the rather spectacular blue paintbrush she pulled from her pocket- as if I needed another present! But it was so beautiful.
We stayed in the tall orange tree for so many hours, just talking, until evening came and we both grew cold.
I had to hide the presents in my unfortunately thin jacket, while she put her sleeveless arms around me, and held me close, as we made our way back.
Sometimes we had sleepovers- mostly at my house, because my parents started becoming wary of the way she seemed to affect my mind. They didn't want to offend her parents however, so they didn't try and cut her out. No, they just thought this way they could keep an eye on us.
It didn't do much good when we ended up spending most of our time in my room with the door shut though, despite my mom (most likely prompted often by my dad) coming in to check on us frequently, ya know, "just to see if we needed anything."
Then each time, as girls so often do, we shared the bed, starting after one time on the floor after which Alex complained of splinters from my old wooden floorboards. Krysta, my older sister, had sleepovers like that all the time, and they shared the bed. So there was nothing weird about that, and I didn't mind at all.
At first I didn't think too much of how she would rest hand on my waist while we talked, half under the blankets until late. Then we finally would decide it was time to sleep, and I would close my eyes, while she rubbed my back very gently until her hand would eventually fall, and her arm would now rest around my waist. It was so comfortable, falling asleep in her arms.
On weekdays I would often fall asleep thinking about her, the way her hair fell around her shoulders, or how it brushed against my arm whenever we were close (which was often.) How warm her hand was on the little bit of skin that always seemed to be exposed when she held me, our bodies so close as we fell asleep the nights she was here.
It was the little things that built up. Little by little I was falling for her without even realizing what was happening. My naivety astounds me looking back now.
All I knew is how much each little moment meant to me, how much more exciting and liberating my life was because of her.
And how much everyone else seemed to become so dull. Even Daniel, who had been the closest thing I had to a best friend before she came along. He didn't like her very much though, which may have been a prominent factor. Actually, I might have been the only one that did, near home anyway. She had a lot of friends at school.
That was another thing. She would hang out with just anyone. That included people the rest of us wouldn’t even go near most of the time. It was almost weird, how she had friends on the cheerleading squad, scene kids, AND people you just KNEW did drugs even if you never saw them. I once saw her talking to this one girl who never said a word to anyone and just read all history period, the one we had together. Then the next moment she’s politely turning down a jock.
I never did see her date anyone… which makes perfect sense now I guess. But I had no idea then. I even told her several times that she should go to the dances she dragged me to with a real date, and completely didn’t get it when she said she honestly would rather go with me. It made me happy though. I was a lot happier in general. A blissful few years.
Of course we had some fights, but it was never anything too bad and we never went through an “I hate you” phase. Although, I did frustrate her a little now and then, and that was because I was still influenced by my parents, and well, the rest of them too, all of whom she did not agree with about anything. Well, them, and our religion of course. She questioned that a lot.
One time the French class had an extended field trip down by the beach for an entire weekend. There was a convention or something held on Saturday for French speakers at a hotel almost on the beach. I wasn’t in French, but Alex was, and since it was over the weekend, you were allowed to bring a friend. The catch of course, was that we had to pay twice as much as the people in the class… but it was understandable since the rooms were expensive. It also meant we were like six to a room, which wasn’t too bad since the rooms were really big. My parents wouldn’t pay, but agreed to let me go if I paid out of my own money… they probably didn’t think I would since I was really big about saving, but it sounded like fun! And so I did.
I took my camera and we got a lot of great pictures. My favorite was definitely when I came up and caught her dozing on one of the big beds. Well, that and right after she woke up and saw me with the camera so she decided to pose and make me take a “better” one.
Two people had to share a bed since their were only two in each room, and two were on the floor…. Alex fought for a bed, so we were comfortable that night. Very comfortable, since the beds were AMAZING.
Five months later, I turned 15. And that was when my life took another turn. In truth, things had been leading up to this for at least a year- So I was the only one that hadn’t seen this coming. She must have been thinking about it for at least that long.
Alex caught me in between 5th and 6th period that day and pulled me all secretly off to the side of the hall. She looked around suspiciously and then leaned in close to whisper in my ear, breath tickling my neck.
“Meet me at the orchards after school, I have an extra special surprise for you,” then she winked and ran away, leaving me staring after her. Usually we walked together after school so that was a little odd… I ended up getting kind of excited though, what was it?? Last year I got paints and a sketch pad, which I LOVED, so I wondered what could be better than that- but hopefully she didn’t spend a lot! I didn’t want that! Especially when all I had done was paint her a picture when she turned 17 a month and a half ago.
As instructed, I went straight to the orchards after school, over to what seemed to be our designated tree- the same one she had given me the paints in.
I waited maybe 10 minutes and was just starting to really wonder, when I saw her coming through the trees. She had nothing in her hands, and there was nothing in the tree, so I was a little confused. It wasn’t like I had been expecting anything today, she had made me think she had, so it caused me to become expectant despite myself.
But as she came closer, I decided I didn’t care at all. She had changed her clothes, and redone her makeup, making her look absolutely amazing. She always did, Alex never needed any makeup to look good. But the way she did her eyes, focusing in on their color and lining them in black. Her lips were glossy, which somehow drew my attention to them.
Alex sped up a little, careful of her skirt, when she saw me and then stopped only about two feet away.
“So what do you think?” she asked, twirling around with that sly smile of hers.
I had been staring, but managed to come to enough to say, “You look… so beautiful… but… why did you change your clothes… are we going somewhe-” I stopped, because I was distracted with how she had gotten even closer, that, and the look on her face that I couldn‘t quite place.
“We could go somewhere if you’d like, but not yet.” She took my hands and held them down low, looking directly into my eyes. I was caught; couldn’t even move. Maybe it was the way she was looking at me. She seemed almost nervous, but determined. Her thumbs started massaging the backs of my hands, and then she leaned down a little bit, since she was about three inches taller than me.
“Remember last year? When we went up in the tree, and I gave you a present for your birthday?” she asked, in a whisper.
I nodded, looking up at her, and hardly even wondered where this was going. My heart was beating faster, and I had this feeling in my chest that I still can’t even describe right.
“I don’t have a present like that this time… But there has been something I’ve been wanting to give you… and I thought your birthday would be perfect timing.” She was even closer! My breathing was shallow, I just knew it, but all I could do was stare at her. Her lips must have been an inch or two from mine when she spoke, meaning I could feel her breath on my face. I could even smell mint, so she had probably just been chewing gum. But I wasn’t even really staring at her, no, it was her lips that my eyes were locked on. I could see even more clearly up close how they glistened. One of her hands still had mine, but the other came up to gently caress my cheek.
She must have started to lean in more because her nose touched mine, and then- we were both started out of the moment by someone calling my name.
It was Daniel, I recognized the voice instantly, but it made me jump out of what seemed like a trance.
Alex hardly moved. She turned her head as much behind her as she could one way, and then the other, looking around, but upon seeing no one, she faced me once more… and pressed her lips to mine.
It was so sudden that I was completely frozen at first, but when she didn’t pull away immediately, I responded, moving my lips against hers, so softly. It was so unexpected but I… it felt like the moment hadn’t been broken, like no one was about to stumble upon us two girls, lip locked.
She pulled away just a little after a few seconds, and after only a brief moment of what may have been consideration, kissed me one more time, which may also have gone on longer, but we heard Daniel again, and he was very close. She stepped back and whispered, “I’ll um… see you later Kairi…” then she ran off again.
I just stood there, paralyzed, staring after her despite how quickly she seemed to disappear. Daniel came upon me a few seconds later at an angle, so he didn’t notice my dazed expression immediately. But I remember exactly what he said when he did.
“Um… are you OK? Did something happen?” Concerned. Curious.
I just shook my head and lightly touched the index and middle fingers of my left hand to my lips, blinked a couple times, and finally turned to him. I had to clear my throat to reply with a hoarse “what?”
I was almost angry to discover it was something as simple as my mom and dad wanted me back ASAP to help paint the garage. And why? I was so confused and shocked, I didn’t even know where the anger came from. So I probably left him quite confused too, since he could see no reason for my obvious annoyance. Oh well. I had far more important things to think about.
In fact, it was all I COULD think about, as I worked in silence the rest of the afternoon on the garage with the rest of my family. The kiss… it kept playing over and over in my head; the emotions that Alex was usually so good at hiding, now written so plainly on her face and in her eyes. In her voice. The way she touched me. The feel of her hand in mine, and even more so, the other on my cheek. The moment when her nose touched mine, her lips but a breath away. And then the replay would skip almost immediately to the sudden moment that we connected, literally. Both of her glossy, plush, wet lips, tenderly encasing my upper lip, so that it was easy… Oh so easy… to respond in kind, my bottom lip pressing up on hers. And the taste of mint. Not too strong, no, just… perfect. It was all so perfect… in between interruptions.
I kept messing up the painting and getting yelled at, but it never prevented the next daydream. Eventually my dad just sent me inside since I was doing more messing up than helping. They probably thought I was sick or something… Who knows, maybe I did have a fever.
I went up to my room and laid down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. This however, did nothing to clear my mind. No… Alex had held me in this bed almost every weekend. And then it got me thinking even more. The way she held me. Rubbed my back. Finger nails tracing the bare skin in between my shirt and pants/shorts every time, before settling heavily on my waist. Cuddling, yes, you could definitely call it cuddling when you think about it, as we watched TV on the little screen across from my bed. She never dated, despite her many offers. She took me to dances that I otherwise would not have attended…
And me? I loved every second of it. Her attention, her affection, her smile, laughter, accepting nature and rebellious attitude. And this kiss…. The feelings it had generated deep within me, were so close to those described in the best romance novels I had ever read.
And it was all wrong. So, so wrong. None of it should have happened. How did it take me this long to even consider how wrong it all was? This realization bulldozed through me, knocking me off cloud 9 so hard, it’s a wonder I could still breathe. What had I done? I kissed a woman. The fact that I liked it aside, I kissed a woman. Twice. Willfully. AND I had liked it.
This was one of the most scandalous things I could have done, and the worse by far that I ever had, had even thought of. Those two kisses, because it was between girls, was ranked about the same as full on sex outside of wedlock, as long as said sex was between a man and a woman. Hell, pregnancy outside of marriage might not be too much worse. I wasn’t sure, since this topic was pretty taboo, and the only thing we learned about it is to never ever ever ever ever, do what I had just done. We were taught by our parents not only to stay away from people that did that, but to avoid them intentionally. No, even more than, that, we were supposed to feel sorry for them. Maybe, if we feel strong enough, we can try to save them by spreading the Word. MAYBE they can be saved, if they repent their evil ways. That notion is not reserved for already Jehovah Witnesses however…. No, I may have thought so, but I know better now….
I learned a lot more at school. In fact! This one girl, Jordan was a lesbian. Alex was friends with her! I had only heard the rumor back then…. But… Well, anyway, there was also the girls I had seen kissing in the hall. I’ll admit only here that I had stopped and stared for a few seconds, before I remembered to get the hell away from them. I had told myself it was shock at seeing that in public… but maybe that wasn’t it after all. Gay guys… I knew of some, which I dutifully avoided without a problem, except for the one that also hung around Alex sometimes. He wasn’t at all flamboyant though, which made it easy to forget he was gay… until you saw him with his arm around his boyfriend. The two teased me, probably jokingly, but I took it seriously then.
It wasn’t until my cell phone rang at almost 9 ‘O clock that I remembered…. It was Friday. And Alex was supposed to spend the night. I answered after letting it ring a few times, suddenly very hesitant.
The brief phone conversation went something like this:
Me- Hello?
Alex- Hey Kairi… I know it’s later than usual… and I usually just come right over when I’m ready, or even after school, but… I wanted to…. Give you space… and…. Ask if you still wanted me to come…?
…
…
… Kairi?
Me- Why… why wouldn’t I?
Alex- Right… Soooo, I’ll be over in 5, K?
Me- K.
Dial tone.
She had sounded so hesitant, cautious, and careful… That might have thrown me off the most. She was unsure of herself, and what she had done, of how I would handle it, and by the sound of it, if I even wanted anything to do with her anymore. That surprised me despite everything. But cutting her out… That would have been the moral thing to do then, wouldn’t it? I should have… Or stopped it. Then she would still be here. She would still be able to hold me. Especially when I cried. She always wiped my tears away, and made me smile despite myself. Especially tonight… *Here the writing got particularly messy, but still readable* I wouldn’t be alone. And I am alone. So completely alone. Is she still alone? Has she found a place to stay and sleep… maybe… someone else’s arms to sleep in? If I knew and this was the case, would I be happy for her, or bitter? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Except one thing. Maybe this is better for her, because I know this was no place for her, and that these feelings I just expressed are selfish…. But I, I could never do it. I will never do this. Never again. Maybe it’s true, what she said to me, that I am also a lesbian. Maybe I do only want a woman’s arms around me. Right now. And I won’t deny, like most of the people I know, that this is something beyond my control, but I always have a choice. Everything I do, I do by choice. Nothing but physical force is really force. After all this time, three months, I will do the right thing, and try to repent. I will attempt to redeem myself, if it is at all possible at this point, for the rest of my life.
So obviously it didn’t end there, at the two simple, purely lip, kisses. But neither of us knew that when she came over. To my great relief, she was acting completely normal… well, for her, that is. She came thundering up the stairs, and busted into my room with a vicious grin, and I knew something completely unrelated to the earlier incident was up.
This was very good, because I remember very distinctly how I was feeling before she got there, after the call. I was just about burning with anticipation and nervousness, the feeling emanating from the pit of my stomach. I felt lightheaded even, almost like I was in a dream.
Alex closed the door, and triumphantly held up a DVD case that read “Ever After.” I looked at it, and then her face, confused. Then she opened the case and pulled out the Ever After DVD to reveal a darker one beneath it.
“Underworld.” She said, still grinning broadly.
As much as I loved Ever After, I perked up a lot at that, letting other, more conflicting things fall to the back of my mind.
“You got it???” Well duh. This normally would seem not quite the victory that she was displaying in having it, to other people, but I shared in her victory celebration. Not only were neither of us aloud to see rated R movies ever, which were forbidden even with her at 17! But even the nature of PG 13s had to be checked out by our parents before they let us go… with their permission…. And this, was a definite no-no, with it being about Vampires and Lycans AKA werewolves, both of which were evil and never read about, researched, or watched.
However, both interested me, and her as well, so I was excited to be able to watch the movie finally, after everything I had heard about it. But wait… My mom always comes in to check on us!
Fortunately, she always had a plan. Ha, of course she had a plan. After putting the DVD in she went down to the kitchen and got everything we would possibly need, showed them to my mom, and told her we were watching a movie, and wouldn’t need anything… Didn’t want to bother her with having to traverse the stairs to help us every time anyway, right? Yeeeaaah, we were just being thoughtful. And while my father might not have appreciated it so much, my mom was definitely the lenient one, and we both thought she would go for it almost for sure. She thanked Alex for her thoughtfulness anyway. And my siblings…. Well… Alec was over at a friend’s house, and Krysta was holed up in her room. Besides, they weren’t likely to tattle over something like this anyway.
Then we just had to turn the sound down enough and we were home free. There was one difference to normality of this night. When we lay down, me on the left as usual, closer to the TV, with my back to her, she wasn’t pressed up against me with her arm around me. She didn’t even try… And I noticed. Which made the reason, and knowledge of her lingering insecurity, go rippling frantically through my brain until we got the movie started. Then I was distracted enough to forget for awhile.
By the end of the movie, which I absolutely loved, she was cuddled up to me, arm in place, anyway, and I admitted it to myself even at the time that I liked it that way. In fact, despite acting like I had been completely unaware of when the exact transition occurred, I had actually been VERY aware of it.
It was after 11 then, so we were both kind of sleepy, with it having been a school day and all. Alex got up to take the DVD out and re-stash it, while I sat up and rearranged the blankets for sleep, not movie going, which was very different for us. It was when she slipped back into the bed, and I turned the light out that the awkwardness of the phone conversation returned in full. I believe the silent and mutual conflict was, do we sleep in each other’s arms as we always had before?
Because of this, I had lain down on my back after turning the lamp off, rather then immediately turning onto my side to face her. She obviously took that as a sign, and didn’t even get close enough for our bodies to touch anywhere at all. Before long, I couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to say something.
“Why did you kiss me?” I blurted out suddenly, in a stale whisper. That hadn’t been what I meant by needing to say something.
I wasn’t looking at her, but I knew she shrugged before answering very simply, and also very straightforwardly. That was just like her though.
“I told you. I had been wanting to give you something. A kiss… Or two. I had only meant for one then… but you… you kissed me back. I didn’t know if you would… but I thought, hoped, you would. But I didn’t plan anything but promise myself I would try. Even the change of clothes was impulse.”
The way she said it definitely was not typical Alex. For one, she spoke more quietly and monotone than she normally did, even in the hushed tones we used for late night talks in the dark. So less animated, hence the monotone, but the words were also broken up, no rhythm.
We were both on our backs now, and it was awhile before I said anything else. I knew she was just as wide awake as I was when I did answer though.
“This… That… it’s wrong. You know that Alex,” I whispered, very quietly this time. But she heard it easily in the surrounding silence. And then she was clearly frustrated by my words, because she got louder.
“Why??? Why is it wrong? Because they say it’s wrong? Even you never listen to them anymore! You only pretend for them! I’ll give you that, pretending around them, because you have to, but don’t tell it to me like you believe it, when I know you don’t!”
My heart was pounding now, because I hated to make her mad, which was a rare occurrence, except when her anger was caused by the adults or religious matters mentioned by, usually, them. Also because I feared she would be heard if she got any louder.
“Alex!” I whispered urgently, in a much quieter voice.
“It doesn’t even matter! Watching Underworld is one thing, but that! That’s like, taboo to them! If anyone had seen what happened in the orchard… If Daniel had found us just a minute sooner, I can’t even imagine what they would do to us! At the very least, they wouldn’t let us be around each other anymore and-” I had gotten louder by then, and quieted myself before continuing, “- And I wouldn’t be able to handle that.”
I had been right about that too, what would happen, and my ability to cope with it. See, I already knew what would happen… Or was pretty close anyway, and yet, here I am, bitter (as an understatement), and with no clue where Alex is, with no hope of ever seeing her again.
Apparently that, most likely the last part, cooled her anger, because when she replied, she sounded more herself, less hesitant and unsure, and maybe that is what ended up winning me over. I’m still not sure.
“Kairi. I know exactly what you mean. And I do not want to ruin our friendship with this… As much as I wanted to do it, had been wanting to do it, that is the biggest reason it was so hard, and I had to promise myself to go through with it. I don’t want to lose you. And I don’t like the risk of that being forced either… We are closer than anyone I know, more honest with each other even than our parents… And now you know the one thing I have been keeping from you. But…” she turned onto her side, and I could see from the corner of my eye how she was looking at me now.
“I want more. The question is, what do you want? Not what do they think, what will they do, what do they want… what do YOU want?” and for emphasis apparently, to remind me maybe, of the fact that I HAD kissed her back, she put her hand on my cheek, and made me look at her, then proceeded to rub her thumb back and forth across my skin.
Turning on her side had brought her closer. And with my head turned toward her, my eyes were roving over her. Already, I was considering. Thinking. What did I want? I wanted her. But in what way? I loved her dearly. But what kind of love?
My eyes ran over her body, all that I could see in the dark, which was enough, with how my eyes had adjusted to the dim light coming in through the window, from the street lamps. Her flat stomach, the curves of her upper body, her neck, neck bone, curves again, lips, and her deep, determined eyes. Lips. Again, my breath was shallow, and apparently she noticed how I ended up staring at those lips of hers yet again.
Very slowly, she leaned her head in closer, the detail of her lips becoming so much easier to see, and appreciate, with the closing distance… But slowly. No sudden movement this time. She was giving me time to stop her, to move, to somehow indicate that she should stop herself. And I knew it. But I didn’t do any of those things. Yes. I wanted it. Of course I did. Why else did I day dream about the earlier kisses nonstop the rest of the day?
And this time, I was too swept up in the moment with how she came so slowly, that I kissed her back immediately. And this kiss, it was even better. Longer. And after the first few seconds, Alex put more pressure on my lips than she had before, at the same time that her hand slid from my cheek to the back of my neck, fingers slipping through the end of my short hair. This combination elicited even more of a response from me, almost automatic I think it was, because my hand moved, seemingly of it’s own accord, my finger tips at her jaw.
And then it happened. Her tongue slid across my lips, and I freaked- Suddenly realizing just what I was doing, what we were doing. I pulled back instantly, vigorously shaking my head, and reached back with the hand from her jaw to grasp hers behind my neck, pulling it away. I had turned almost completely on to my side. So now I flipped over all the way, my back to her, and curled up. Tears were streaming from my eyes, and my body racked with sobs I wouldn’t let out. Was this irrational behavior? Very.
This seemed to really scare her, but that didn’t phase me too much at the time.
“K-kairi!” her hand touched my back and I jerked, “Dontuchme!”
She didn’t touch me again.
“Kairi… Please… Stop…. Stop crying…” thinking back…. She might have been tearing up then too. She probably thought I would have nothing to do with her now, and I can’t blame her, with the way I was acting.
I didn’t stop crying, and she didn’t stop trying.
“Kairi…. Please… I won’t… I won’t kiss you again if you don‘t want me to… I just- I’m, I’m sorry!”
I had winced with the audible hiss when she said that, hence the ’I’m sorry, I’m sorry!’ But not for the reasons she must of thought. It was because I did want her to. I wanted her to kiss me, and hold me tight. And that is why I wouldn’t let her touch me. I shouldn’t want any of this!! Ok, so maybe I had stopped believing everything my parents, or the Elders say, but this… The bible said it was wrong in no uncertain terms! Man should not lie with man! And only an idiot would say that meant only males, and not be joking. That should have been enough for me. It’s what holds me to my vow now. And my family. But then…. So naive!
Eventually she did give up, and maybe, tried to sleep, but I doubt she had much success with the way I tossed and turned. An hour went by, then another, with me constantly looking at the clock in extreme frustration… after I stopped crying that is. But I just couldn’t stop thinking! Finally, it was 3:26 AM according to the digital on my bedside table, and I just couldn’t do this. I had not made the choice that lead to our fate then, but what I did next definitely impacted that choice. It could be called a foreshadowing, I guess. I only realize it looking back. Mostly. Maybe I did know then. No, maybe that was the real choice, and I was only in denial about it.
Regardless, much calmed down, aside from my restlessness, I turned over onto my side, facing Alex now. I knew she was awake, but she didn’t open her eyes. I didn’t hesitate once THAT choice was made. No, in fact, it was a relief. I moved close and cuddled up to her, nuzzling my head under her chin. My arm did not go around her, I was actually kind of hugging myself, arms crossed over my chest, but it was a very comfortable position. And… I was where I wanted to be.
A moment or so went by, and hesitantly, Alex put her hand to my waist. I didn’t move, so she started to slowly rub my back. I still did nothing, so she grew bolder, and began stroking my hair, head down to the ends, which wasn’t hard due to the length. It is what she did whenever I cried, to comfort me. And it always worked so well. It worked then too. Very well. I was content. From that time till morning, I was reserved to stay like this, and enjoy this moment, because I still told myself I didn’t know what I would do, and so, I would enjoy this while it lasted. It wasn’t long then, before I was out.
I think Alex woke up first, but I couldn’t be sure because she had not moved much. Some time in the early morning hours, I had moved a little, and my arm had ended up around her anyway. I think she was already awake though, because when I lifted my head up… several minutes after waking, because I felt like I just wanted to stay like that forever, she opened her eyes. And smiled softly at me.
I didn’t immediately think of everything that had happened, no, for just a few moments, it was like none of it had happened, and I was just waking up from a good sleep, in her arms, as I did almost every Saturday morning. I even smiled back.
Then it hit, and I faltered, pulling away from her a little, which ended her smile just as abruptly. No freak out this time though. I told myself I wouldn’t, no matter what. I tried to organize my thoughts… and I was unmoving, her not daring to speak, as my religious values, which were very much my own after how much I questioned the rest, battled with my obvious desire.
“Kairi… I have a question for you… Do you like any boys? Is there one that stands out for you? That ever crossed your mind in any other way, but friendship?”
That question definitely threw me off guard. I hadn’t thought about this angle at all. I thought about it now though. And, since I was taking a long time to think about it, she went on.
That was when she specifically asked me about Daniel.
I shook my head.
He had asked me out a few months ago, but I had politely declined, because I just didn’t want what he wanted. I told her that.
So then she asked me what I would do if he kissed me as spontaneously as she had.
I thought about that scenario. And I knew, I knew I wouldn’t let him, if I saw it coming at all, he would end up kissing my cheek…… But… I had kissed Alex back, hadn’t I? Even before the kiss, I had been anticipating it without realizing it in the moment, as she got closer and closer….
“Kairi… I’ve known I liked girls for a long time. No one chooses to be like this, it would be stupid and nothing but emotionally masochistic, with the way some people treat you. There’s nothing I can do about it. I just am. I am a lesbian. And…….. I think you are too. You‘ve never showed any interest in any guys, nor looked at one the way you look at me, or even other girls!”
That had me speechless. It was her damn “logical” crap that wheedled it’s way into my brain years ago. It made so much sense!! And in truth…. Most of it still does. But it doesn’t matter.
When I didn’t react negatively to anything she said, only thoughtful, she put her hand on my arm, and started massaging it with the side of her thumb, very gently, raising goose bumps on the spot. Whenever she did something like that, this feeling- not quite electricity, that shot through me with every stroke. She was right. So right. Didn’t she tell me, even just jokingly, that she was always right?
But she wouldn’t kiss me again. I knew she would remember what she said the night before, and my little freak out, despite having been a very active participant- no, not despite, because of.
Instead, I kissed her. I brought my hand up this time, to caress her cheek, and hesitantly, but determinedly, leaned up. And this time, she didn’t move, but to tilt her head down, not get closer. Now it was my lips that encased her upper lip, and her bottom that came up -with no delay- to press against mine. Our lips moved on the others, and her hand resumed it’s position of the night before, on the back of my neck.
Now I couldn’t blame her.
There was no tongue, but it was long, and slow, and sweet. It was my answer, my choice.
This thing… same sex couples… They WERE harmless, weren’t they?
So that was the beginning of the end for us. And yet, I find it hard to regret now, but I do. Oh yes, I do, because as amazing as the rest of our time together was, nothing, NOTHING is worth this. I’m pathetic.
We spent the rest of the weekend together, as usual. However, there wasn’t anything very usual about it. Oh on the surface perhaps, but the entire atmosphere was changed. We went to the beach, just us, so there was no one that knew us there. We held hands, and were so comfortable together. Plus, I got to see her in her bathing suit, and right after everything that had happened…. I soaked up the scene. She kept teasing me about it, making me blush like crazy.
I still wouldn’t kiss her in public, even where no one knew us or cared, but it was something she didn’t argue. We were in a very precarious position after all, and she didn’t want any unnecessary risks either.
After that, things slowly progressed. At school, things between us were almost normal, but if one paid enough attention, there were some obvious differences, particularly in my behavior. For one thing, I stopped being so cold and distant whenever her gay friend Jake, was around, even with his boyfriend, and not so awkward when Jordan hung around us either. That was probably the most notable thing. The big difference for me though, was after school.
We started sneaking off to go to the orchards, which seemed to become our official “secret” spot. Even though a couple people knew to look for one or both of us there, we were usually completely alone. Even at 15 and 17, we still liked to climb trees, and even go from one to another, when there were strong branches close enough. We’d play tag like this, or hide and seek, yes! Even at our ages!
Whenever she found me, or caught me, she would pull me into a warm embrace and kiss me. I’d blush at first, but always retuned it in full. Sometimes we would just sit at the base of a tree, me practically in her lap, with her arms around me from behind. We’d listen to her iPod, sometimes in silence, sometimes talking. A lot of times I’d draw on my sketch pad- the one she had gotten me.
After a couple of weeks, my parents started to inquire as to where I disappeared off to all the time, and I’d simply tell them hanging out with friends. Which was true sometimes. We didn’t always go to the orchard alone. Occasionally, we’d go out with her friends, a group I finally seemed to become a part of. We went to the movies, shopping, or just hanging out at the mall. It was so much fun, to be included in all of this. I didn’t go out with her like this very much before, because I felt so awkward and out of place among her friends. But not anymore. I wonder if any of them had suspicions as to what must have seemed a very sudden change of heart for me, but no one asked.
That was only the weekdays. Now, as frequent as it had been before, we spent EVERY weekend together, usually all of it. She pretty much spent the night every single Friday and Saturday. I even got to go to her house a couple times, although my parents weren’t very eager about it. I loved it though, because her parents didn’t bother us. Which was a very good thing.
The first weekend since everything happened, things weren’t too different. True, we kissed some, but I was really paranoid about getting caught, so it was very limited. Besides, it had only been a week! I was still adjusting! Which really, wasn’t that hard.
In fact, it wasn’t at all awkward until my sister started asking questions. I was acting a lot differently I guess. I suppose my change in behavior from before Alex to before the kiss was gradual, this was pretty sudden. I used to stay home most of the week, or at least, come home a lot sooner the times I did go somewhere with Alex. And weekends, while weekends were a little bit more eventful, it wasn’t to this caliber. Now Alex and I spent most of the days out, and whenever we came back, we went straight to my room and locked the door. Still, she was just curious, so it was easy to play dumb. Being twins, my sister and brother were both 17, and therefore, not very interested in whatever I was doing. Is it weird that Alex had always preferred me over them, even though she was their age, not mine?
It was almost exactly three weeks after the first kiss that things started to get more… interesting. It was the first time we “French kissed.” I think Alex was just being more careful, because she probably remembered that it was when her tongue ran over my lips that I freaked out that one time. But this, oh, I remember it so clearly, even if it was nothing compared to later.
We were in the orchard, of course, and Alex had gotten bored, so she stole my paint brush right out of my hand when I was working on a portrait. At first, I was seriously angry as I ran after her, but it only took a few seconds before I was laughing breathlessly as I chased her up a tree. She only made it to one more before I caught her in a spot where she could go no further.
I slinked onto the branch and cornered her against the trunk. I had just barely informed her that she had nowhere to go, when she pulled me to her so suddenly I thought I was going to fall, but I didn’t, because she was holding me so tightly, lips pressed to mine. The kiss wasn’t as aggressive as her approach, but it was passionate, with absolutely no hesitation. I was startled, but fell easily into her embrace, melting into her lips. Our lips moved against each other in a familiar way, but it wasn’t long this time, before she made the first move toward more. Her tongue ran over my lips, and I shuddered, this time with pleasure. It tickled.
It was then that our tongues met. Now, I liked it, but I also have to admit that tongue kissing is also a little overrated. But just a little. The best part to me is when her tongue moved against my bottom lip. I still can’t believe we didn’t fall out of the tree as we paid less and less attention to staying aloft, but there was nothing this time, to interrupt us. I suppose it wasn’t really so long, but it was the longest kiss to me. And at the time, it seemed like forever.
When she pulled away I lay my head against her, smiling happily.
“That was amazing Alex” I whispered, suddenly sounding shy, blushing madly.
“There’s a lot more where that came from baby… if your ready” she said teasingly, and I knew she must be smirking.
I just giggled in response, but I now had something else to look forward to.
Despite that, it was still another week before anything more really happened. That made it a month after we first kissed, that we first “made out.” It was on Saturday night, right when we were about to go sleep. We had just finished playing my play station 2, with which ironically, we had been playing one of my “safe” games that were allowed by my parents.
I had cleaned up and put away the PS2 and all my games, changed, and was sitting on my bed, putting the freshly cleaned pillow cases back onto the pillows. My mom had come up only a few moments before to give them to us. They were even still warm from just coming out of the dryer.
Alex jumped onto the bed, making me bounce and drop the pillow, and then wrapped her arms around me from behind. Every time she did that, I always stiffened first, getting that feeling you get when your free falling, in the pit of my stomach. She kissed my ear and then my jaw, with her arms too tightly wrapped around me to move.
“What… what are you doing?” I whispered, my heart already beating rapidly from within my breast, for this was when her lips brushed along my jaw and then, my neck. She kept her arms tight around me so that I couldn’t move my arms, but I probably would have been unable to move anyway. Especially after what she said next.
“I locked the door after your mom left” she said, voice low, lips brushing against my neck as she spoke. I shivered. I shiver now, just thinking about it. Her moves, and tone of voice, was seductive; I suppose she really was trying to seduce me, because up until then I had always been so careful about how far we went. I can’t blame her for wanting more, because I never really wanted to stop either, I was just too paranoid.
She took my chin in her right hand while one arm still remained firmly around me, kissing my neck from the left side, and though I couldn’t move easily, she was being gentle, not really trying to force me. Oh, I wouldn’t have stopped her by then anyway. I had yearned for this. Her lips had brushed low enough to reach my collar bone, then her tongue slid up from the base of my neck, not stopping until she connected with my lips. It was then that she loosened her hold on me. It was just as well, because that allowed me turn around more and wrap my arms around her waist.
A couple minutes passed until she made further advances. Her hands, which had been around my neck, moved down to rest on the bed, and then she pushed herself forward. I was pushed back, until eventually, I fell back onto the pillows. Then she was over me, but only briefly, because then she was on me. I gasped when I fell, but didn’t have time to say anything before her lips were against mine again, and then I was beyond hope of saying anything. My hands came up to rest on her shoulder blades, pulling her more tightly to me.
This was so different from anything we had done before. The only time we were this close, in any similar way, was when we were cuddling on our sides at night. Now she was on top of me. I felt like I was in a dream, like this couldn’t really be happening. My heart was thudding, and yet, felt so light in my chest, and I couldn’t get enough of her lips. Her lips drifted down again, kissing my jaw, and then again, traversing the length of my neck. I turned my head to the side, and let out a sigh.
I don’t know how long this went on, but eventually, she turned off the lamp light and moved over to be next to me, though we still clung to each other, kissing just as before. Then it slowed and I pulled away, gave her another peck and snuggled up under her chin. My breathing was shallow and neither of us said anything for a long time. Unsurprisingly, I couldn’t just sleep after that. I was still to taken by the moment. The feel of it still resonating within me.
Once I started to think a little more clearly, my thoughts were a little off. I loved it, every second of it, but… How far was I going to let this go? That was… We had just advanced a level, or two, and I had to get things straight in my mind. How far was I going to go period? Even though I had been careful to go slowly, at least, I considered it slow, because I was thinking of how long we had been leading up to even a kiss. It wasn’t like we had just kind of known each other and she asked me out, like with some straight couples. No, we had known each other for nearly three years by then, and been very close. Being together was just the next step… A step we never should have taken, though I didn’t think like that anymore then.
As much as my religious views and morals had changed by then, I was still a strong believer of no sex until marriage. Which would have made sense, if she were a man. But she wasn’t… We couldn’t get married anyway, the fact that I was only 15 aside. And yes, I was a little young for all of this, wasn’t I? Alex was 17, and had had things like this on her mind for a long time. No wonder she wanted to move forward more quickly than I did. I had to appreciate how long she had been waiting for me, and how considerate she had been of my feelings.
“Alex….”
“Hm?”
“I think… are we moving too fast?” I whispered.
She started rubbing my back, probably thinking about it before answering.
“I don’t think so, but we can slow down if you would like.”
Of course she would say that. Alex was very aware of how paranoid and insecure I was. But then, at the time, it did seem all worth it. I didn’t want to be caught. But that wasn’t all. I also really did wonder if we were moving too fast. We had been “together” for a month, and had just had a very steamy make out, even if it was only the first time. If we kept moving at this rate…. How long would it be before the only next step was sex? That was when I briefly wondered just how two women could have sex anyway……. And then I pushed that out of my mind as irrelevant for the moment. Honestly, I still don’t know how that would work…
I didn’t pursue the conversation after that, but allowed myself to fall asleep, happily, in her arms, with thoughts of her soft, sweet lips on my skin.
About three weeks later, things started to get more complicated… It was one of those amazing weekends. Saturday night. About 10pmish. We had just been messing around with games and talking and being silly and loud and all that, all evening. But we ended up kissing. And she ended up on top of me again. This got a little more heated, because we didn’t turn over onto our sides.
I was comfortable kissing her now, as long as we were totally alone. However, there was something I was kind of embarrassed about. When this happened, when she was kissing my neck… etc… my breathing got so fast I sort of… made noise. It wasn’t like a moan really, but my breathing got really erratic, and I sighed a lot. I didn’t think about it in the moment I guess, but when I did realize it, I was really embarrassed…. Fortunately for us is 1) I wasn’t so loud that anyone would hear us downstairs, you would have to be at the door probably, and 2) There’s a creaky step in the middle of the stairs. That saved us, but only barely.
It was one of those moments, when my head was turned to the side, exposing my neck as much as possible for her roving lips- she had just reached my collar bone, when in between breaths, I heard it. The step. I almost freaked out then. I pushed her so hard she almost fell off the bed and I turned over with a flop, flung my hand out and pulled the lamp chain almost hard enough to snap it. I was shaking. Adrenaline pumped vigorously throughout my body, and I knew my face was probably flushed. That’s why the light had to go out. I tried, so hard, to calm myself. I forced long, slow breaths in and out of my lungs as best I could, so that, seconds later, when my mom came in, she might actually be able to think I was sleeping.
I heard Alex too. Her breathing at least, had been just as bad as mine, but we both managed to force calm breaths. My mom opened the door quietly, since she must have noticed the light was out, and looked around.
“Asleep?” she whispered, sounding confused. Not even 11 yet, and we were asleep on a Saturday night? That would be surprising. However, we seemed to fool her, and she went back out. I was practically holding my breath by then, and didn’t dare let it out until after she passed the creaky step again. I turned back over immediately, to face Alex.
“That… that… was… too… close” I whispered, trying to keep a steady tone and failed miserably. She simply nodded, and put her arm around me. We lay there for awhile, but neither of us were actually tired. We ended up getting back up. I turned the light on again after awhile and we attempted to find something less dangerous to do until we actually were tired.
It wouldn’t have been too bad if that was it. But no. It had to get more complicated. That was a close call. A “close” call wasn’t good enough.
A little over a week later, on a Tuesday, I accompanied Alex and her friends when they went to get food after school. I was notified last minute but cleared it up with my parents and had no problem tagging along. I don’t even remember where we went, some place I hadn’t been to before. We went in, got a table, ordered our food, and waited. I had to go to the bathroom, Alex came with me, and we took like twice along as we needed too, as girls often will, blah blah blah.
After I was done she splashed me with soapy water, which started a little war, and we went all out too, because no one else was in the bathroom. We were both pretty damp by the time it ended with both of us giggling like the complete dorks we were, me falling into her arms. I hugged her, then took a step back, still with my arms around her. She grinned and leaned in to kiss me, something I was all for, since no one else was around. Obviously, we weren’t going to make out in the public restroom. It was just a playful little thing that lasted like, a full 5 seconds, and about 2 seconds too long. Because Jordan walked in.
The door swung open with a “Ale-”
I just about jumped out of my skin, head jerking suddenly to look. Now, whether the girl saw the kiss or not, we weren’t in a “just really awesomely close friends” position. Alex had an arm wrapped firmly around my waist, and the other was around my back, hand coming up to hold my shoulder. And me, I had my arms locked around her neck. We both froze too. That didn’t help.
Jordan also froze, hand half raised in greeting. A few seconds passed and she dropped it.
“Well…. This uh, explains a lot.” She said slowly, then couldn’t keep a very smug smirk from spreading over her face it seemed.
Alex and I came to and stepped away from each other. I looked off all awkwardly to the side, rubbing the back of my neck, and Alex cleared her throat before speaking.
“Jordan…. You won’t tell anyone, right?” straight to the point.
“Aaaah, fiiiine. I just think this is hilarious. No, no. It’s ******** awesome. And ironic much?”
I felt even more awkward from that statement, and was blushing furiously. Alex laughed.
“I suppose. But you already knew about me. Kairi… you’ll remember how she was… it’s because of the whole Witness thing as you know.”
“Yeaaah, but still pretty hypocritical.”
“Weeell, not really. I mean think about it, she was raised to think that this was bad, and so she just thought it was…. Then ya know, when you REALLY have a reason to think about it, things change. Just please, don’t say anything, to anyone. Not to your girlfriends or whatever, or Jake, or anyone ok? We’re completely screwed if our parents, or any Witnesses find out.”
“Alriiiight then. Heh, I suppose this explains why you turned me down,” she said, and I noticed, without any bitterness. She really was pretty cool once I got to know her, after I got passed my homophobia thing… She was right though, I got passed it in quite a hypocritical fashion.
I still couldn’t say anything. I don’t know what Jordan originally came for, but she didn’t even go to the bathroom before we all three left and went back to the table. It was awkward for me after that, but Alex acted the same as always. Jordan on the other hand, was super smug. It was ironic though. I have to admit. So I couldn’t blame her. But when prompted, she wouldn’t say anything. And never did.
Things just weren’t going well at this rate though…. My mom almost caught us in the act, Jordan did, and Daniel almost had twice already. It had been like 2 months! I tried not to think about it then.
See. I tried not to think about it… But sometimes, I couldn’t help it. These times were almost always when I was alone, on a week night, trying to sleep, but with limited success. And once I did fall asleep, I usually had weird dreams, that somehow associated themselves with Alex. Of course, that made sense, since I usually went to sleep thinking about her. But they weren’t always good dreams…. And sometimes, they were too good.
Despite my late nights and groggy mornings, those three months since the kiss, were the best of my life. And the worst. They felt the best. They felt amazing. But they were too good. I should have known then, that eventually I was going to pay for what I, what we, had done.
I was so clueless when the incident happened, wasn’t I? But now, in retrospect, I think I can guess as to when and where the final mischance occurred. I shouldn’t have silently blamed my sister, because now it’s obvious that she had nothing to do with it. But it made perfect sense at the time. And besides, I still don’t know who was at fault… Well, I do. We were the one’s at fault. But I don’t know who the “tattle tail” was. I know I should be grateful for this chance at redemption, but I’m not. It would be a lie to say that I am. I preferred my sins. And perhaps that is the greatest sin of all?
Exactly five days before my whole world collapsed around me, on Monday we were to be nearly caught yet again. And this time, while it wasn’t by a parent, it was even more terrifying. This is the part that caused me to blame my sister.
As usual, Alex had come over to my house after school and we were chilling in my room, doing nothing particularly special or entertaining. Alex was reading a book and I was sketching. Then my sister came in. Neither of us had heard her coming because we each had our iPods in, meaning ear buds in both ears for both of us. Our lack of warning shouldn’t have been a problem however, because neither of us were doing anything wrong at the current moment, or so I thought.
When she came in though, the way Krysta stopped, and proceeded more slowly, made me realize our mistake. See, Alex was sitting with her back to the wall, pillow behind her, knees up slightly…. With my head in her lap and her fingers running through my hair. It wasn’t exactly the most strictly friend position we could have thought of. I suppose it shouldn’t have given everything away in that one pose, but I think my sister had suspected something odd was going on before then.
Alex’s hand stopped moving in my hair and seemed to nonchalantly go to turn the page of her book, where she proceeded to seemingly ignore my sister, but I noticed that when her hand went back down, she turned the volume down on her iPod. Meanwhile, my sister started to speak, but not about what she came for.
“Uh… what are you doing?” she asked me, but was eying us both. Yes, she thought it looked weird. I had taken one ear bud out and now I looked down, trying not to appear as nervous as I was, at my sketchpad.
“Sketching…”
She looked directly at Alex who said “reading” without lifting her eyes from the page. I wonder if she really was still reading the lines in the book, or if she was listening intently.
“Right…. Well, Alex…. Your mom called. She said you weren’t answering your cell and wants you home for dinner tonight because your aunt and uncle are arriving early.”
“It died.” Alex replied, still without moving. Then again, so that I didn’t make it worse by acting like we were doing something wrong, I hadn’t moved the second I realized the mistake. So I was still in her lap…
Now I took that as a good reason to sit up, since it was nearly dinner time and that probably meant she should leave. Alex closed her book after that and finally took an ear bud out.
“Thanks. Krysta. Bye,” she turned to me and said much more warmly, “I wont be able to do much tomorrow or this weekend because of them, but I’ll see you at school tomorrow, bye bye.” She waved to me with her fingers very cutely as a joke and went to step out passed my sister, but she was stopped by an arm in her way. Krysta was staring at her. My sister reached out very purposefully, and brushed her index finger against Alex’s lips, then brought her finger near her own face, looking at it intently. She rubbed her thumb and forefinger together with a curious expression on her face.
I think I was holding my breath.
“Isn’t this Kairi’s lip gloss?”
“Yes, she let me use it because I ran out, why?”
“… If you have none, you might want to ask her for more before your dinner… it seems there is only a smudge left and the rest has… rubbed off…”
Alex may have been playing it cool, but my face was heating up and it took all I could not to panic with the way things were going. I was hiding my face behind my sketchpad by now. This… something was wrong… Krysta wouldn’t do that! Not simply because she noticed Alex’s lip gloss was wearing off… Of course, that was not the truth. If Alex had any lip gloss on her lips, it was because we had been kissing a little bit earlier. But Krysta shouldn’t know that! But did she suspect….? I was so confused…
“Thanks for caring, but it will just come off when I eat anyway, so there’s not much point. I’ll be going now, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course, wouldn’t want you to be late now. You know, it’s probably good to spend some time with your own family, rather then Kairi 24/7 anyway. All you two do when your over is hole yourselves up in here anyway. It can’t be that interesting, can it?”
“Thanks for your concern? Anyway, bye.” And with that, Alex left while she could, which set my sister on me. I can’t blame her for leaving though, not with this weird mood my sister was in.
“So what are you sketching? Alex again?”
“No.” Maybe…
“Right well. Whatever. I just can’t believe you don’t go out more. I mean you have been more often now, but still. It just annoys me that you CAN, and don’t.”
Krysta had been caught with her boyfriend, alone, in a room, kissing. There was no sex, no nudity, and they hadn’t even been on a bed…. But that was more then enough for my father to go commando and lock her up in her room for two weeks, after a major lecture of course. One down, two to go. And no more Jason period. She was in a bad mood.
And if she suspected what was going on…. I wouldn’t have been surprised at all if that drove her over the edge enough to rat me out, even though she normally wasn’t too much of a prude. Obviously. It’s no wonder I thought it was her after that display. But now at least… I don’t think that was it. She had some kind of reputation with her friends, and she wouldn’t want them to know her sister was secretly seeing a girl. No, even her sister being best friends with a lesbian or bisexual girl, would be too embarrassing, because then they would wonder if I was too.
So if it wasn’t that… then what I wondered?
On Wednesday, Alex and I were working on a project. See, it was a joint grade thing, where all four years worked together. The seniors with the sophomores, and the juniors with the freshman. That worked out perfectly for us because it meant we could be partners.
Because of this, we got to stay the night at her house for once. We worked late, and even though I lived next door, I surprisingly got the OK to stay. We did work on it for a long time. But then we couldn’t help but take advantage of our relative freedom. Yes, her parents were home, but like me, she got the upstairs loft bedroom, and her parents were no where near that end. And they never bothered us.
 Omg A Name · Tue Dec 28, 2010 @ 01:56am · 0 Comments |
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--Continuation--
That was an amazing night. It was the farthest I had ever gone. And well, her too I suppose. She had told me before that even though Jordan, the only girl to ever ask her out, had asked, that she had turned her down. Jordan had said it herself, which is when I asked about it. So Alex hadn’t been with anyone else, despite the opportunity. Alex though.. Seemed well prepared for these kinds of things. Then, I just thought she was absolutely amazing. But I bet she researched. Alex was definitely not above porn.
That night…. We dared venture further. It was definitely a full blown make out. If I thought the first one was steamy… then… as cheesy as it sounds, that night, we were on fire. Obviously, there’s more, more I have never, and will never, attempt. But that was enough to wear me out.
We didn’t get nearly enough sleep that night, because even after we fumbled to get the lights out, it was a long time before we even tried to sleep, and longer still before we could.
I remember it so vividly… it’s one of the memories that keep coming back to taunt me. Remember how GREAT that night was? Good. Because that’s all you can do. Remember it. Remember how amazing it felt, because you will never feel anything like it ever again.
It was her idea. Big surprise. It usually was. But I didn’t even try to protest. I was excited. Her parents never came in! There was nothing to worry about! We could do whatever we wanted! BRILLIANT idea Alex. That’s what I thought. And really, I never could get enough of her. But I tried, and that’s the biggest reason this night was so different..
We got tired of the work, and still had more time to finish, so it was alright if we stopped there…. But neither of us were really that tired yet either, right? Right. She came on to me first, wrapping her arms around me… whispering in my ear… saying we were as alone as we ever were. We were safe. We could be as naughty as we wanted. Oh, how that last one made me blush; caused my heart to pulsate with rapidly increasing frequency.
She kissed the back of my neck, and slowly, oh so slowly, slid her hands up the front of my shirt. Maybe if it had been more sudden, I would have felt it was too much, but with her tantalizing slowness, I wanted it. The tips of her fingers tickled my skin, shooting Goosebumps down my arms as my shirt slowly inched up.
Her tongue ran over my neck. I tilted my head back, and to the side, feeling it’s course run over me. My hands came up to touch her soft cheeks, feel the silky skin. We came into a position where our lips met, tongues collided, and somehow, she managed to get my shirt off. She didn’t touch my bra, yet.
Just after the shirt maneuver, she kissed my shoulder blades, running her hands along my now exposed skin, and then another new thing occurred. She bit me. Hard. I never would have thought of this as a good thing, but… I… I liked it. I remember how her lips brushed down my neck to linger on that stretch of skin across the shoulder, kissing it just before her teeth sunk into me. I gasped, and dug my nails into her thighs just above her knees. It wasn’t quick either, no, it was like… like she wanted to leave a mark on me, something perhaps, she had been very careful not to do before. That probably should have worried me, because while it wasn’t in the easiest spot to see when fully clothed, it still could be… but the thought didn’t cross my mind at the time.
After she pulled away, tongue once more gliding up my neck until she reached my jaw bone, a spot she kissed before beginning to turn me around and then allowing me to do the rest. I even pulled her to me. I yearned for this.
I had on shorts, lucky her, but who knows what would have happened if it had been a skirt…. She did what she could with me, one hand up and down my legs, or again, over my stomach, while the other held her just above me. She needed the space to kiss my body. It was when she sat back, leaving me trembling with lust, to run her sweet lips over my thigh, that I couldn’t take it any longer. I loved this. Oh how I did. She drove me crazy. But it made me want her. It made me want to do things. Before, I always let her take control, and would bask in her attention and affection. But again, that wasn’t enough.
My back arched, and then I tore me leg away, and sat up. Her eyes were surprised and confused, perhaps wondering if she had gone too far, had she done something wrong? No, it was just that now I was taking the initiative. I had a one-track mind at that moment, that thought things like- her shirt, why is it still on? I pulled it up over her head and tossed it aside somewhere- immediately, I took advantage of this. Now I was the one that got to experience her. Her soft, unbelievably smooth skin, and luscious curves.
She may have been surprised, but a far cry from disappointed at my interruption. Alex, Alex was mine in this moment. I had always been hers. Right from the start, long before I realized it. But now she was mine. Maybe not all of her, but much more than ever before. I had basically ended up tackling her down onto the bed, the opposite end that she had had me, and accidentally knocked down all the pillows with my feet. But who cared? No one. We didn’t need pillows right now. Not while I was going “wild“, at least by my standards. She also wore shorts, for it had been a hot day, and I started there. I started where she had ended. It wasn’t long however, before I was attacking her torso. My mouth ran over her flat stomach, and up, brushing across her ribs.
Ah, and the best part… My lips found their way to her still mostly covered breasts, which were softest of all, but firm, and, and… perfect. I even felt them with my hands as I kissed up her neck, and finally, after so much time of other things, our lips connected with heated passion. During most of this, her hands had massaged what parts of me she could reach, such as my head, running her fingers through my hair, or my shoulders, my back. Now they ran down my sides, and I could feel her nails reverse their course. At some point the latch on my bra was snapped off and it fell loose until it was dislodged. Instead of leaving me to fumble, she did hers herself.
Her arms locked around me, and before I knew it, she was on top of me once more. We had rolled over, and were near the edge of the bed- and then it happened- we tumbled off. There was a thump, but it was muffled by the blankets that had fallen with us, and we were far too in the moment to let that deter us in anyway.
After the fall, we were both half sitting up, exploring the exposed expanses of the other’s body. Frequently then, our lips would mingle again, and again, and for how long this went on…. I have no idea. Eventually, however it happened, however it slowed, I just remember the heat, the passion, and the wonderful feel of her on me, me on her, us together- and then comfortably, contentedly, curling up together in the blankets, leaning against the side of the bed. We probably could have slept like that, that is, once we crashed, for we were just then calming down. Somehow though, we ended back up on the bed, now with only one blanket and a single pillow… And I, I slept without any, because she was my pillow. The best pillow in the world.
The rest of the week was uneventful. We finished the project, it was turned in, and we were to wait another week or so for our scores. It must have been Saturday that it happened.
As usual, we had a little escapade into the orchards. That day, Alex had sat at the base of our tree, with me in her lap. She was kind of sleepy, so she dozed, with her arms locked loosely around my waist. I read a book. We did this for an hour or so around noon. We both heard some sticks break in a way that made it sound like someone had tripped really close by. It woke Alex up, and made me turn my head very suddenly to look, but neither of us saw anything or anyone. I assumed it was an animal or something, like a squirrel.
My mom wanted some help making brownies around 1:30, so I figured we might as well go. I’d just gotten passed the good part in my book too, so it was good timing.
I stood up and stretched, while Alex did the same behind me. We thought we were alone, and wouldn’t be for awhile after this, since we were to attend a social gathering (which the brownies were for) with our parents afterward. So we shared a kiss. It was nothing too extreme, not all that long, though there was a little tongue. I giggled a little as we parted and took her hand when she offered it. We walked the rest of the way out of the orchard very close together, with my head resting against her shoulder, eyes closed, as Alex lead the way.
That had to be it. The timing could not simply be coincidence. It was the only time someone could have seen us between Saturday and Sunday.
Nothing too much happened in my room that night… some sure… but it wasn’t much, little more than a prolonged good night kiss. No one walked in. And Sunday, we went out with her friends, so we were in public, and therefore, did nothing.
Sunday evening… I had been invited a couple days ago to dinner at Alex’s house. So, when we got home from hanging with her… maybe by then I should even say, our, friends… Alex went to her house, and I was going to meet her there after checking in with my parents.
I was in a good mood that day, but the second I went into the living room in search of my mom or dad, and saw not only both of them, but my sister and brother too, sitting in the living room in silence, I halted. They all looked at me, with very serious expressions. What was going on? It was like…. Like they had been waiting for me…
They had.
My father stood up first, and was slowly followed by the others. He walked over to me and said in a very stern tone, sounding as if I had done something wrong.
“Kairi. You need to come down with us to the Kingdom Hall. Something very important is about to happen that you have to see.” That was the only explanation he gave me.
I had no idea what was going on, but plenty of things were running through my head. My heart was racing with fear. I was afraid out of my mind, terrified. His tone of voice said it all. My father never needed to yell.
We were at the Kingdom Hall in minutes, and I noticed that what seemed like everyone was gathered as if we were about to have a meeting, but that shouldn‘t be until after dinner!! I also did not see Alex or her parents.
Not at first, that is. Shortly after we arrived, and took our usual places at the front, they came out. Alex’s mother and father stood off to the side and Alex proceeded to the center alone. She saw me, but didn’t say a word. By this time, I was so confused. What could possibly be going on? If this was about us getting discovered like I feared, then why was Alex up there alone?
The oldest and most respected of the Elders stood and spoke.
“Alexandra Mariah Paisley. Someone who wishes to be named anonymous came to me earlier today and told me that you were seen engaging in inappropriate activities with a member of the same sex. You are said to have been seen kissing a woman. What say you?”
Alex cleared her throat and looked back at the Elder defiantly and replied in a strong voice, rather then weak and shaky like I know mine would have been.
“I say that your snitch is correct, and that I have kissed a woman, and more, and that I am not ashamed as you wish me to be.”
Shocked murmurs had started going around at the initial accusation, but now the noise had increased all the more. That is, until they were silenced by the other, seated Elders.
“Will you give the name of the other participant in this act that which you are accused of?”
“I will not.”
“Alexandra Mariah Paisley, are you willing to repent in your sinful ways and give yourself wholeheartedly to Jehovah our Lord, and in that, never commit an act such as the one you have been accused of, and confirmed, today?”
This was the defining moment…. Couldn’t she just say yes? I was speechless, and frozen, but my eyes begged her… They begged… But she had not looked my way once since she had seen me come in. The whole room was now silently waiting.
“No, I cannot. I am gay, I am proud, and I am done pretending to be something that I am not. If the Lord Jehovah cannot accept me for who and what I am, then I cannot accept Him as my savior.”
This caused the entire congregation to light up again, and this time, they were not immediately quieted down, but eventually settled on their own.
“Very well. It is with a heavy heart that I am obligated to disfellowship you from this congregation, and all others. May the Lord be with you, though you may reject Him. Please remember that you are always welcome in our Kingdom Hall, in the hopes that you may yet still be saved.”
Head held high, Alex did not say another word, as she stepped down to traverse the aisles with every pair of eyes on her. There was only one person in the room that I could see clearly, and it was my one and only love. Who was leaving me without a second glance. I wanted to hate her in that moment. After the first press of despair, anger stirred, but it was only directed inward toward myself. Oh how I wanted to hate her, but to no avail. I could not.
I wanted to blame her, blame her for messing with the good thing we had before she kissed me. But all I could think as she walked out that door, was the simple thought: ‘Don’t leave me!’
Don’t leave me ever. But especially don’t leave me here.
And why did I think this? It should have made no sense. At that point, as far as I knew, she had only been disfellowshipped. Most of us, including myself, would be expected to literally shun her, but surly her parents wouldn’t kick her out of the house while she still had school left! But I knew. Even if they would not force her out, she would leave. Maybe if she thought we could still see each other, she would have stayed for me. Maybe. But at that point I also knew my father would never let me anywhere near her, and she would know it too.
Would it have been better or worse, if she had been able to stay? For I found out that her parents had indeed packed her bag already. But if they hadn’t… and if she had chosen to stay… And I was never allowed to see her, except for perhaps, during school…. And I was always to be aware of her nearness… with nothing I could do about it… But always the knowledge that she was just right there… Always with some knowledge of how she was doing, and who she was with… would it be better or worse?
But how could she leave without saying goodbye? Would it have really been too much to wait around till night, call me, and have me come out for one last hug? To hold me, if only briefly, one last time? Couldn’t she have LOOKED at me when she walked RIGHT past me in the aisle???
After she walked out, I collapsed. I hadn’t even realized how much I’d been trembling as I watched her go. My father thought it was shock. I know for sure, because of the vulgar things he muttered when he helped me up… If he suspected me the least bit, he wouldn’t have said it that way. The meeting continued almost as usual, aside from being a little bit early, but I did not hear a word of it. Once it ended, I had to be led to the car. The short ride home was in an awkward, shocked silence.
I went straight to my room and barely made it up the stairs. Instead of going to bed like I had intended, I planted myself at the windowsill and watched Alex’s house. They pulled up two minutes after. I then watched them go in the house, and come back out with a big roller suitcase. Mr. Paisley handed Alex something that looked like cash, all without a word, and then… they… they simply turned their backs on her and retreated into their house. Alex watched them do so, and then turned to leave herself.
Once, for so brief a moment, she looked up at my window, and it seemed that our eyes locked. I know she saw me. She paused, for a mere split second, and then moved on. She didn’t even mouth it, goodbye, I mean. Or I love you. Or I’ll miss you. Or, or anything. Nothing.
I had sat there, staring at the upstairs window across from mine for how long, I don’t know, when I heard yelling down stairs. The phrase “Pictures won‘t corrupt her!” yelled by my mother, thrust me into desperate action . I was frantic. I dived for the shoeboxes under my bed and tossed all three onto it up top. I tore through them, salvaging what I could. I knew what that must mean. My father wanted to get rid of anything I had of Alex, didn’t he? The pictures of her… and… and my sketchpad! Everyone knew of at least one sketch of Alex in there!
The only pictures in my hand by the time I heard footsteps on the stairs, were the ones that accompany these writings. I did not have one of us together, but by then, my choices were, find one, or hide my sketchpad too.
I capped the shoeboxes and thrust them back under my bed, then I lunged for my dresser, and snatched the sketchpad from atop it. The footsteps were passed the creaky step by the time I reached my closet. I almost bruised my knees when I fell to the floor in front of my closet and wrenched open the only partially loose floor board. The floorboards of my room were reinforced. There was about 3 inches of empty space in between sturdy, springy wood that was supposed to absorb sound so that stomping would not be heard below. I had barely replaced it when my doorknob turned, which is when I flung myself onto my bed, right as the door opened.
Without even considering how distraught I must have appeared, my father’s gruff voice rang out.
“Kairi, I want all of your pictures of that girl. We don’t need filth like that in the house.”
I didn’t move. I couldn’t be a part of this.
Eventually, he started moving around the room himself. All I could think was, please, please don’t notice how that one floorboard bends up slightly. Please.
He didn’t. But he did pull out the shoeboxes, all of which were filled with pictures of us. They were mostly of Alex, but many were of both of us, and a few of me that she had taken two of.
“Kary. Start the fire.”
No. No. He wouldn’t…. they wouldn’t… They were going to burn them.
It was hours later that the inevitable desire to relieve myself drug me out of my room. Unfortunately, I happened to pass by the dead fireplace on my way back. Ashes. That was all that remained. I stopped and stared. Ashes. Ashes and the few I managed to save. And my sketchpad. And my memories. They were all I had left.
Come Monday, I didn’t go to school. But Tuesday, I was almost literally forcibly dragged. A few rumors went around about what happened to Alex. I hardly listened. I hardly ate. I hardly did anything at all.
At lunch, Jordan found me. She had sorted out the rumors and gotten the gist of what really happened. She… I pushed her away. I was cruel. And I regret it now. Now, when she wont even speak to me. But it’s better that way. She reminds me too much of Alex herself. All of her friends do, but Jordan the most. Jordan knew the truth. And for that, she tried to be there for me. She tried to comfort me. She tried to make me feel the slightest bit better. And I rejected it all. I wouldn’t let her. She pushed until I cracked, causing me to yell out at her in front of everyone. And the things I said…. Were cruel.
I never would have thought myself capable of saying such things. None of it made any sense. I called her a dyke, I called her disgusting. I called her… worse things. I took all the pain and hurt I felt inside myself, and put it on her. And after I had done so, I retreated to the bathrooms and locked myself in a stall, where I stayed the rest of the school day. I felt horrible, I felt worse then I had that morning, when I had thought I couldn’t possibly get any worse.
I couldn’t have been more of a hypocrite. And what’s worse? She must have realized I meant none of the things I said, and known I had only done them because of how deeply I was hurting inside, because she came and found me. And still, though I did not lash out so harshly that time, I rejected her all the same. I wouldn’t let her get near me, physically or emotionally.
Yes, she was gay, and she had been close to Alex, and she must miss her too, but she could not possibly understand how I felt. How I feel. Not when her liberal parents accepted her with ease the moment she “came out.” Now when she had never lived the best moments of her life in the simultaneous fear of loosing it all. Not when she was happily taken, and surrounded by friends that loved her. For her.
Not when those I considered friends now avoided me, when my very own parents acted differently the second I entered the room, when my brother and sister hush as if they had been talking about me only a moment before.
For the past three months, I have been practically force-fed the entire bible three times over. My classes for next year have been chosen for me. Every applicable AP course was selected. Every little bit of extra work taken. Every ounce of free time extinguished. Without even knowing the truth of Alex and I, I am treated as though she nearly irrevocably corrupted me, like a multitude of effort must be put into bringing my soul back from the brink of no return.
No. She could not possibly know how that feels. But I still wish I hadn’t treated her the way I did. Or that I hadn’t been so cold with my sister, because at the time, I thought her the most likely suspect. Aside from the strange way she acted around me for awhile, she did kind of try to comfort me, to get me to do things and go out; socialize. And that’s despite how her friends must now view me.
One thing that has added to my growing emptiness, was watching that bite mark she left disappear. I had never expected it to scar, but after all of that, I wished it had. And then I got mad at myself for wishing such things. After all, I wished for so many other things I shouldn’t. And despite how I’ve tried to forget, for eventually I did try… I couldn’t. No matter how my days were filled, with no time to daydream, I had thoughts of the past to keep me awake at night, and dreams to haunt me once I did sleep- both good and bad ones. And both still haunted me one way or another.
I just can’t do it anymore. I need to move on, right? That’s what she would want me to do, right? I know it is. She’s probably moved on by now. But I still hope she thinks of me… Even if it’s wrong, all wrong, and I should not think of her like I still do. I can’t help it. But I know I need to move on, somehow. I just can’t do it alone. But no matter how many people surround me, I can’t help but feel alone. Sometimes it only makes me feel more alone, particularly among the members of the congregation and gatherings such as meetings. There, I can never be more alone.
Still, my sister tries, Daniel tries, my brother, and even my mother does a little, but few others make any effort. It’s a start. I need to try. I need to make the effort. But I know I can’t do it, if I keep thinking the way I do. If I keep desperately hanging on to my memories, I will never be able to really move on. And maybe I never will, but I must put in the effort. For my own sanity, I must.
Alex. I love you. You gave me so much. Maybe it was all wrong. Maybe none of it should have ever happened. No, it should not have. But you gave me something no one else could have. And I love you, no matter what anyone says, no matter if I shouldn’t, I did, I do, but I have to get over you somehow. I will probably never truly forget, but I can pretend, maybe push the memories back. It is nothing against you, and despite everything, I hope you will always hold a little place for me in your heart. I hope that every now and then, you will think back to me and smile. You said you couldn’t blame me for pretending in front of them, but I have to try to stop just pretending, even if I’m only fooling myself for now. I doubt I can ever have with a man, what I had with you, but I’m… I’m only 15, so what do I know? Maybe I will, for now, I just hope that someday I can. I just want to be normal. So maybe I’ll have to pretend that I am, until maybe someday I really am. All these maybes. I hate it. I wish I could have some certainty in my life again. Even with you nothing was ever certain because we never knew what would happen or when. It’s been to long. I need a rock to keep me in place so I don’t loose myself completely. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Maybe I’m already lost. And maybe I can be found. Or maybe I never will. I just don’t know. Maybe I’ll even be able to think back to all of this without hurting so bad, and think it so silly that I ever felt this pathetic over a first love, in the same way that it annoys me so much to see silly girls get so stupid over their boyfriends that never really cared about them in the first place. And… and despite the way you left, which is I guess something I‘ll never understand, I know you cared.
All I can say now, is what I never got to say to you when you left:
I love you.
I’ll miss you.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Omg A Name · Tue Dec 28, 2010 @ 01:49am · 0 Comments |
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